I'd like to be a president [known] as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace.
In some completely WTF? news, President Bush yesterday commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Fugee associate John Forté. Forté has been in jail since 2000, when he was arrested at a New Jersey airport in possession of $1.4 million worth of liquid cocaine.
Arizona State University is a place where scantily clad women can suddenly appear and convince two cadres of frat guys to star in a porno. So it wouldn't be surprising if the little in-joke hand sign among ASU students was "The Shocker." Alas, despite appearances, the gesture Arizona State fans throw in support of their Sun Devils is the "pitchfork," which distinguishes itself from its vulgar cousin with the separation of the index and middle fingers.
But for a moment, squint your eyes and pretend that George W Bush is seen here givin' the ol' Shocker with the Arizona State Track Team. How many times do you think someone had to say, "No, Mr President, those two fingers apart," and he would just go, "Hey, Dick, lookit this. Dick, lookit! Heh heh heh"?
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To our surprise and delight, there are consequences for carving great chunks out of the world's progress.
As you'll remember, some great news out of last week is that no publishing company is interested in paying good legal tender for stinky ol' George W Bush's memoirs, a sale that's been a foregone conclusion for most other modern ex-Presidents. Today, more great news: President Bush is being both ostracized AND emasculated by book publishers, as his wife, Laura, is reportedly fielding all kinds of multimillion dollar offers for her memoirs.
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The Obama family has already been given delightfully awesome nicknames, and by "nicknames" I mean code terms the Secret Service uses to refer to members of the family, although since this is already leaked on the Internet it's not so much a "code" now and just more of an "awesome nickname," so my original point stands.
Anyway, all the Obamas have names now beginning with the letter R, and they are way better than those of the Clinton family, who were referred to as Eagle (Bill) and Evergreen (Hillary), or the Bush family which was Tumbler (George W.), Tempo (Laura) and Sheepskin (George Sr.).
If you guys ever want to use your ham radios to listen in to your Secret Service station, get ready for President-Elect Renegade.
For all the jokes about President Bush being borderline retarded that have been made in the last eight years, you would think that the man would leave well enough alone once he left the White House and stopped being the world's chief source of ridicule.
But no. Our 43rd commander-in-chief wants to publish his memoirs as soon as he gets out of office, despite the fact that no one is buying books in this bad economy, and no one wants to buy a book written by the guy who gave us this bad economy. So that's a double neg.
Seen this yet?
The treatment President Bush has received from this country is nothing less than a disgrace. The attacks launched against him have been cruel and slanderous, proving to the world what little character and resolve we have. The president is not to blame for all these problems. He never lost faith in America or her people, and has tried his hardest to continue leading our nation during a very difficult time.
Our failure to stand by the one person who continued to stand by us has not gone unnoticed by our enemies. It has shown to the world how disloyal we can be when our president needed loyalty — a shameful display of arrogance and weakness that will haunt this nation long after Mr. Bush has left the White House.
After the jump, the Mollygood response.
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SF SHIT PLANT WON'T TAKE BUSH'S NAME "San Francisco voters have turned down the chance to rename a local sewage plant after President Bush. Voters rejected Proposition R, a lighthearted attempt to memorialize the outgoing president at the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant. The measure's supporters say calling it the George W. Bush Sewage Plant would have been a fitting tribute to the 43rd president. They blamed Bush for a long list of national woes from the Iraq war to the slumping economy. … The White House had declined comment on the measure, but other Republicans have denounced it as childish and stupid."
Another former Bush staffer has publicly endorsed Barack Obama, and this time around the guy isn't black! There goes every stubborn right-winger's excuse as to why a Republican could possibly switch over to the Democratic ticket for this election.
So the traitor, former Bush press secretary Scott McClellen, isn't exactly a huge coup for the Dems: He published a tell-all about his time in the White House earlier this year, and he was highly critical of the war in Iraq, even calling it "a serious strategic blunder." According to McClellen, he's voting for Obama because "he is the candidate most likely to change Washington." We don't really care either way, we're just happy to see an answer to the crazies' flawed logic that Colin Powell only switched sides because he's black.
Does anyone else get the sense that these Weekend Update Thursdays only work because of YouTube and Hulu and the ilk? Because it's doubtful anyone watches this program on its own, but it is really convenient to have bite-size clips of it ready in the morning. Sort of like SNL itself? Discuss.
Anyway, Will Ferrell gave his promised cameo on the show last night, with a marked return of his President Bush character. It was funny! Especially when he referred to Sarah Palin and Barack Obama as "the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy."
See for yourself, after the jump:
The View was awesome yet again this morning, thanks partly to Elisabeth waking up on the wrong side of the bed and also because of Whoopi's absence. Poor Barbara Walters had to mediate between Joy and Elisabeth, which was ineffective and led to one of the more intense shouting matches we've seen as of late.
The tension begins around the 4:00 mark, where Joy attempts to explain why Sarah Palin's likability has plummeted, which — of course! — Elisabeth takes personally and uses as an excuse to announce her respect for George W. Bush. Yeah, seriously. She believes W is the reason America has stayed safe from terrorism for the past seven years, but implies that the country will be blown to smithereens under an Obama presidency. Even Barbara takes issue with this, which leads to an even more glorious moment of Elisabeth getting snippy with her boss.
The segment ends — after much screeching — with Elisabeth offering Joy more "Obama kool-aid," because she's that mature. The only person who escaped this argument unscathed? Sherri Shepherd. What a strange, strange world this has become.
Trust us, there's going to be no grieving at Jossip HQ on January 20, 2009, George W Bush's last day as president. Nevertheless, we'd be lying if we said we weren't gonna miss the guy's uncanny ability to instantaneously become a tremendous spectacle.
That in mind, we've created a gallery of Bush the Second's greatest and most laughable hits in front of the world's ever-watching eyes. Here's to hoping that cameras continue to follow 43 for decades to come.
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The moment things began to turn around in Iraq is when the USO deployed Jessica Simpson.
-President George W Bush, who's still finding the humor in this bloody, endless, godforsaken war
Perhaps the best part of any presidential debate/State of the Union/political speech is the great fun in creating drinking games for the appropriate speakers. In college, every time George Bush would smirk, everyone would take a drink. Every time he stuttered, another drink. And terrorism mentions warranted a shot of whiskey.
So in preparation for the debates tonight, a lot of blogs have begun formulating their pre-fab list to getting wasted when Sarah Palin and Joe Biden take the stage.
Comedy Central's Indecision 2008 has perhaps the best rule yet, and we have a couple suggestions of our own.
Magical tool David Blaine is pulling every excuse out of thin air for his failed stunt Wednesday night. First it was George W. Bush's fault (well, everything is, really). Now it's Mother Nature's fault, because she had the audacity to ruin his plans for "the most amazing ending for a stunt ever" (his words, not ours) with high winds.
Blaine said his grand finale of diving from a platform 44 feet to the ground while attached to a harness didn't go according to plan. He was supposed to jump and, at 10 feet, be swept away by a bunch of helium-filled balloons. Instead, he dangled awkwardly for a moment before disappearing in an ascent into the night sky.
Blaine said ABC, which aired the event in a two-hour special called David Blaine: Dive of Death, had encouraged him not to dive because of high winds. 'I wasn't going to let everybody down, so I just jumped, and somehow the guys with the balloons made it work, and they pulled me slowly up and I went over into the park and they pulled me down,' he said.
He went on to add that he knew the stunt had failed when his friends called him afterward to ask what happened because they were confused. DB? Those aren't your friends. That was every American idiot who sat through your ABC special. Don't get the two confused.
Hey, remember when David Blaine failed at pulling off a stupid publicity stunt? And then, instead of admitting he's just a starved-for-attention loser, he blamed the country's biggest idiot?
This racism is killing me inside! Yessir, the Republicans have done it again. They've gone and called Barack Obama, the well-educated, distinguished Senator running for President of the United States, "uppity."
Speaking with Politico, an anonymous (of course!) Bush insider used the tainted term while going over his keys for a McCain victory in November:
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Charlie Gibson's interview with Sarah Palin last night confirmed what many already feared: That for all the McCain-fueled vitriol towards the media for portraying her as some sort of dumb hockey mom, she doesn't know more than the Mighty Ducks when it comes to foreign policy. Palin did as expected: She dodged questions, filled her answers with vague postulating, and eventually forced Gibson to explain to her just what the hell he was talking about. Though big ups to Charlie for holding his own, and making sure viewers were aware that she didn't have a clue on what, say, the Bush Doctrine is, before he had to tell her about it. To be fair, George Bush would have probably been queasy on the question too.
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