With a recent spate of indefinite Hollywood pregnancies solidifying the numbers, it's safe to say unmentionable baby bumps are at an all-time high. With that, let's look back at the best ones ever, because that's what people do when things are popular.
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"Michael Lohan is a heartless, two-timing louse…" begins Page Six's lead story today, which details a past love of the Jesus-ier Lohan parent. Virginia Bertolino, 41, whom the Posters tellingly describe as "sexy," says she loved the sex she and Lohan had, but hated the "other man" (some would say woman. You'll see what we mean, and it's outrageous!).
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• So is Perez Hilton a 10-year-old girl or just a "cunt"? [YouTube]
• Our new hero: "Senator Ernie Chambers of Nebraska filed a lawsuit against God last week for causing 'widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants." [DListed]
• Now Pamela Anderson just gives it away for free. [HT]
• Angelina says she's only slept with four men. She must be forgetting that men named Billy Bob count as four or five. [ICYDK]
• Kanye West: "[Black people's] biggest advantage is that we wear gold jewelry really well." That does it: Kanye West doesn't care about black people. [INO]
• Despite what you'll read here, Jared Leto's actual diet is being in a shitty enough band to starve. [Yeeeah]
• Paris Hilton storms the gates of Valtrexia Palace, demanding they release their abundant treasure. [CityRag]
Even God wants a peek from time to time, he just has the benefit of not needing to rely on the mirror on the shoe. Plus his wrists don't fit in cuffs if things go awry.
More from McPhee's new movie after the jump.
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Praying to the fashion gods is even stupider than praying to a vengeful God.
Lots more fierceness after the jump.
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This from today's Page Six:
The Lohan family circus gave its latest performance in Long Island Family Court yesterday, when Michael Lohan dropped his demand that estranged wife Dina be tested for drugs before she can have contact with Lindsay's kid sister and brother, Ally and Dakota. Michael told The Post one of the deciding factors came when Ally, 13, told him, "Daddy, I love you. I'll love you more if you'll drop that motion."
If God ever gets bummed, I bet it's over sentences like that last one.
As people of all denominations the world over mourn the loss of Tammy Faye Messner and use her life to think introspectively about what their faith means to them, some failed citizens are taking this news to mean that God may not even exist. Look to the video above for one such instance. In it, Paula Abdul ponders, "Where's God when you need him," before breaking down into one of the most irritating displays of unbelievable fragility ever caught on tape. While she doesn't mention Messner's death at all through her blubbering, one has to assume that the loss compounded stresses already plaguing Abdul, and that this grown woman's not uncontrollably sobbing and losing her religion over a soured deal to participate in the fucking Bratz movie!
[Source]
Tammy Faye Messner, who gave what would be her final interview to Larry King last Wednesday, passed away on Friday after battling cancer for over 10 years. Throughout her life, Messner suffered the philandering and imprisonment of her first husband, the imprisonment for fraud of her second husband, woeful financial issues, a drug-addicted son and the expanding cancer that would eventually kill her. And yet through it all she exuded kindness, grace, dignity and faith; leaving one to wonder where God was when the most undeserving of his flock endured several lifetimes of pain in only 65 years.
Maybe your back hurts all the time because God never intended it to support that much weight. Stop eating so much and it might be a little easier to summon the strength to stand up, fat ass.
While I'm sure her sins encompass all seven of the deadliest ones as well as some of the lesser crimes against God and humanity (ie spitting, not flushing, bogarting the J, etc), it looks as if Courtney Love is being physically punished for sloth.
Evidence after the jump.
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Eva Longoria and Tony Parker made it official in Paris today. They were wed in a civil ceremony officiated by the city's mayor. In a sacreligious but rational move, French law requires couples to marry before city hall even if they plan on also exchanging vows before God. Tomorrow the couple will throw a now unnecessary and lavish wedding in anticipation of being paid $2 million for the photographs the event shall yield. Along with that check, the already wealthy Mr and Mrs Tony Parker should also expect tomorrow's affair to amass close to two million whispered "Why the fuck did we get them a gift?"s.
More under here.
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Robbie Williams has leaked an excerpt of a new track and it sounds as if the once drug-addicted pop star has turned to the Lord to help him through his troubling times. Things get especially interesting when Williams says he's getting raped and fucked while periodically calling out "Jesus really died for me, I guess Jesus really tried for me." Something tells me this tracks isn't going to make a dent in the Christian charts.
PS Someone should remind Robbie that as of late God hasn't been all that helpful to rape victims.
An interesting thing about Penelope Cruz not many people know is that when in her proximity, everyone's attractiveness decreases by five full points. In this photo, you're seeing Rosario Dawson and Justin Timberlake suffer her presence. That's why she's afraid to fly; she's worried that God will feel so ugly he'll (she'll?) crash her plane out of spite.
There's a few more after the jump.
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Initially, you may have a difficult time guessing who this demure cherub in the floor-length frock is. But odds are once you hear the Southern accent it will hit you like a ton of wasted talent.
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If you thought Rosie O'Donnell was bad, get a load of Star Parker, a black ex-welfare recipient whom admits to having four abortions and an erstwhile addiction to crack. After becoming a born again Christian (of course), Parker is now former self-loathing; she stands in rigid opposition to welfare, abortion and crack abuse—though that last one is probably for the best.
Try to contain your laughter when Parker claims in the clip above that God's time is so different from ours that maybe the world is only 5,000 years old. Then try to contain your rage when during the clip below you realize that a crackhead whom for years benefited from the graciousness of the US Government and its taxpayers is now completely unwilling to bestow the same kindness on her fellow citizens in their times of need. This lady makes Elisabeth Hasselbeck seem rational and well-read. Is it too late to get Rosie back?
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During an exclusive collect call this weekend, a seemingly Tookie-esque Paris Hilton revealed to Barbara Walters that she has found God and is a changed woman.
"I'm not the same person I was," she said. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance."
"My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail."
"God," she said, "has released me."
True: "I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute."
False: All that other bullshit.
[Source]
In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day—using 17 syllables or less—you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.
Today's Someone Haiku winner is starkitten:
Lindsay’s dead carcass
won't bring in any money.
Pure ain't pure at all.
Nicely done, starkitten.
There's a very good Someone Haiku story after the jump.
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Look at this! Nelly Furtado looks exactly like those racist-ass depictions of Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp; the ones that sang in broken English ("Do you hear what I hear, a baby cry? Where we finding baby there's milk near by.")
Stuff like this let's you know that, if God is real, he's got a very subtle sense of humor, and he doesn't mind if most people won't get his jokes. If God wrote a TV show it would get canceled.
[Source]
Editor
