OUR OBESE NATION • Tired of missing up to 45 seconds of According to Jim every time you want to order a Cheesy Meat Lover's Bacon Craver's Ranch Sauce pizza pie? You're in luck: "You can now order a pizza through your television. In a new promotion with TiVo Inc., Domino's Pizza Inc. will begin taking orders using only a TV set from customers who have broadband TiVo service. When a customer forwards through a commercial for Domino's, TiVo will flash a pop-up advertisement that asks the customer if she would like to order a pizza, then direct her to a Domino's ordering screen."
OUR TRASHY WORLD • Hey, angry blog commenters, if you thought we were "insulting the first fam" (oh, the irony in that quote!), put this in your pipe of indignation: "Hope Toast" on eBay. "Keep it real with Obama Hope toast! Barack Obama has miraculously appeared on a piece of toast I was preparing for breakfast. … Nothing has been added to the bread - no butter or oils."
THAT'S TOAST YOU CAN BELIEVE IN!!!!
After 80 years of selling garbage adorned with the characters of a viciously anti-Semitic cartoonist, the Walt Disney Company has arrived at a conclusion: sticky kids and country folk in Donald Duck t-shirts don't have lots of money for the taking, elitists do. And elitists don't like their overpriced, useless crap to be covered with Goofys. Move over, Vera Wang, and say hello to Disney Couture!
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Here, in 136 words, is all that's wrong with America:
Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether. According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes. School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day. So the district decided to call off school the Friday before the game. And Clarke County is not alone; the schools in nearby Madison and Oglethorpe counties also are taking the day off.
As if it weren't already too much of a propaganda channel programmed to let us baby killers on the coasts cram our ideas of fun – fashion, haute cuisine, gays – down the throats of the red states, Bravo is now cooking up a show whose pomposity handily trumps Top Chef and Proj Run: "'Polo,' a docu-series about polo players and their significant others."
How exciting! Now, as the economy slows to a trickle, everyone with time to waste from losing their jobs can cozy up to their TVs and watch a show about young rich people in love who play a tremendously expensive game to the delight of older rich people. Doesn't that sound like your idea of fun? You'll finally be able to use "chukker" during Scrabble.
Oh who are we kidding, you won't be able to afford cable or Scrabble by the time Polo airs. Forget we mentioned it.
What is going on with Australia? We thought they were just fun-loving, rough-and-tumble party animals with a taste for bad beer, but we're quickly learning that perhaps the old saying holds true: once a nation of convicts, always a nation of convicts.
A month ago we told you about this kid, who broke into a zoo in the early morning and smashed reptiles to death with a rock before feeding them to a crocodile. Now, there's this:
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SAM JOE THE PLUMBER CONSIDERING RUN FOR HIGH OFFICE He's not even a licensed plumber and he's a tax cheat and a maniac, but Sam Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher said today on Laura Ingraham's radio show that he's considering a run for Congress in 2010. Because what better place for cheating, unqualified liars than the government.
Oh goodness. Bono was hired as the newest Op-Ed contributor to The New York Times starting in 2009, despite the fact that Irish gent will be paid zero for his services. Which, technically, is all they are worth, since Bono will inevitably use the columns to preach the same old, same old stuff he usually does: Africa, poverty, blah blah blah.
So, Sam Joe the Plumber, the beefy goofball from Smalltown, Ohio whom John McCain invoked about 666 times during the last presidential debate? A big fraud who may be nothing more than a shoddy plant from the McCain campaign!
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Heyo! Some dusty old man finally used a really country derivative of the word "nigger" at a Sarah Palin rally in Ohio:
When you've got a nigra running for president, you need a first stringer. He's definitely a second-stringer
(emphasis by me, the NIGRA)
And here's the best part: This hatred and more, much of it directed at Muslims, was all filmed by Al-Jazeera! Nice work, Americans against terror.
Listen to the rest here.
Remember earlier when we were all, "Hahaha! Colin Powell dances funny!" and left it at that, because all we were talking about was a stupid picture of an old guy dancing? Here's the ever-wearying Fox News' take on that very same, seemingly meaningless photo:
Colin Powell showed off his hip-hop moves at an 'Africa Rising' celebration in London Tuesday, fueling speculation that the former secretary of state is about to endorse Barack Obama for president.
[Source]
What is it about this tool in a fuzzy hat that makes girls swoon and men bow down at his feet? The guy at left is Mystery, as you may or may not know, and he has his very own slot on VH1 called The Pick Up Artist. It's also my current favorite reality show on television (yes, there are things I like more than The Hills). Sure, it's not exactly a masterpiece, but the premise is strangely addictive: Mystery takes nine guys who have terrible luck with the females and turns them into "pick up artists." Sounds skeezy, but it's actually quite heart-warming: Turns out not all males are cocky d-bags who just want to get some action at a bar at 2 a.m. Who knew?
So Mystery teaches these guys how to approach women on a day-to-day basis without looking like a creepy pervert — and, somehow, it works. The show is in its second season and I still can't get over how enlightening it is, even after multiple episodes. Of course, some men are being enlightened as well — and have even tried to use the techniques on me and my friends. Here's a hint, guys: It only works if you don't sound like you're reading off a cue card.
Anyway, last night was the premiere episode (which will likely be rerunning all week, for those of you playing along at home), and each contestant got the makeover treatment. My early favorite (and new crush): Matt Radmanovich, the 26-year-old property manager from Redondo Beach, Calif., whose only girlfriend dumped him after he flew to England to surprise her (aww). He has a large gap between his front two top teeth and a forest of chest hair that could keep anyone warm in the winter — and he cleaned up beautifully. Check him out after the jump.
Oh, look! Not content with being just xenophobic or just racist, insane McCain-Palin supporters out to work their resentment into a frothy rage at the Republican nominees' rallies are now killing two birds with one stone.
Take the gentleman at left, who brought with him to McCain-Palin's Johnsontown, PA event a funny effigy to roast. It's a monkey named Little Hussein. Isn't that hilarious and issue-based and what politics is all about?
Click through to hear what this sugar bag sounds like while cackling.
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See those maniacs at right? The ones a-hootin' and a-hollerin' about how, if they had their own country, the blacks and gays and A-rabs wouldn't be able to take their women and bars and money, respectively? Ironically, those clowns calling for a Southern nation in America seem to have a lot more in common with the North than they think. The far North, that is. And you know we wouldn't be talking about the crazies in Alaska right now if it had nothing to do with witchy ding-dong Sarah Palin.
THE MALLEABILITY OF CHILDREN We've updated our post on the Sarah Palin Parking Lot. Go back and watch part two of the footage, complete with a child who's been taught to hate.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK "Less than a week after the federal government had to bail out American International Group Inc. (AIG), the company sent executives on a $440,000 retreat to a posh California resort, lawmakers investigating the company's meltdown said Tuesday. The tab included $23,380 worth of spa treatments for AIG employees at the coastal St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles even as the company tapped into an $85 billion loan from the government it needed to stave off bankruptcy."
Thomas Jefferson's possible replacement is a winking, stammering anti-intellectual saying "doggonnit" when discussing policies that affect the lives of millions, and you need more proof we're in our last days? Fine, you asked for it.
Under here, the most horrifying story we've read in weeks.
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Is it elitist to believe candidates for the second highest office in the land should not be giving "shout outs" during their one and only opportunity to face down their direct opponents? If so, then we're elitist.
After the jump, what the polling data says in the wake of last night's showdown.
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Editor
