THAT WAS EASY • "According to the British press, Madonna, 50, and [Guy] Ritchie, 40, reached a settlement over money and their kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, 8, and David, 3. … Madonna will keep the bulk of her estimated $500 million fortune intact, though Ritchie was entitled by law to a share of it. Additionally, Rocco and David will split time between the U.S. and London, while Lourdes, whose father is Carlos Leon, will live with her mother."
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What in the sam hell is Madonna wearing? We get that she's going through a breakup and all, but couldn't someone at least have had the common courtesy to tell her that, although Kabbalah-approved and spiritually sound and all, this outfit is like something out of a nightmare?
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GOOD ONE, 'FRIEND' "You heard Alex Rodriguez was in the audience at Madonna's L.A. show Thursday. Now we hear he's thinking about following the divorcing Mrs. Ritchie to South America next month when she tours Brazil, Chile and Argentina. 'Maybe she'll teach Alex some songs from Evita,' quipped a friend."
RITCHIE RECEIVING THREATENING TEXTS FROM MADGE "Madonna has been taunting Guy Ritchie with dozens of weird text messages. Director Guy, 40, showed crew on the set of his latest film Sherlock Holmes one which read: 'You’re going down.' He said he found his estranged wife’s behaviour odd, but that he is used to it by now. And he confided in one pal: 'This is her idea of a joke – but it’s not funny. Imagine what it was like living with her.'"
Who here is surprised by the fact that Madonna and Guy Ritchie had a contract listing rules to abide by during their marriage? After visiting a counselor two years ago, Madge hung up the contract in the couple's New York home and, if her husband every broke the rules, she would say, "Contract, Guy, contract." Cause that's not annoying at all.
It's a wonder Guy survived this long, especially upon viewing the rules (after the jump). CONTINUED »
• Hilary Duff's new music video: "It's like a cutesy chipmunk, putting on lingerie and trying to sex you with their eyes." [DListed]
• Guy Ritchie wants custody of the children he has with Madonna. Will he let them eat sugar and wheat? [Yeeeah]
• Heidi Klum's new "Got Milk?" ad is actually pretty adorable. She can do no wrong. [HT]
• Only in NYC: Tomorrow morning Michael Jackson fans who have entirely too much time on their hands will attempt to break the world record for the most people doing the "Thriller" dance at once. [INO]
• Jessica Simpson is still trying way too hard. [PS]
• Tara Reid clears up a common misconception: "I'm not perfect." [ICYDK]
MADGE'S RABBI WANTS DIVORCE KEPT HUSH HUSH "Madonna is facing a major fall-out with her kabbalah leaders who are demanding an immediate out of court settlement to her divorce from Guy Ritchie. Rabbi Berg, the most senior kabbalah member and her spiritual leader, has instructed her that the ongoing mudslinging and prospect of a court battle between the sect's two most high-profile members could badly damage its image. Berg has now given Madonna a 24-hour deadline to come back to him with a plan to mediate towards a swift divorce resolution using a round-table of kabbalah leaders chaired by him."
You're the world's biggest pop star, in the middle of a global tour, and all you want to do is avoid the press so you can spoon with your new Major League Baseball playing boyfriend. Such is the thicket of Madonna's life. Except standing in the way of these grand plans is the obnoxious press, filled with their anonymously sourced items painting you as the self-absorbed persona you practically branded yourself from the beginning. So just who is leaking all your personal details to the media?
GUY RITCHIE IN TEARS OVER T-SHIRT "Guy Ritchie is 'in pieces' after seeing a photo of his son Rocco in a T-shirt supporting Alex Rodriguez's New York Yankees baseball team, a source tells Usmagazine.com. The 8-year-old was photographed sporting the shirt Monday in New York City. 'He's actually been crying over it,' says the source on the set of Ritchie's upcoming drama Sherlock Holmes."
• Guy Ritchie is slowly going crazy. Marrying Madonna will do that to you. [DListed]
• Lindsay Lohan has now set her sights on Chace Crawford. Wait, what happened to being a lesbian? [INO]
• A look at Hollywood's toothy kissers. [CityRag]
• Mary-Kate Olsen got in a minor fender bender. No tiny trolls were injured in the process. [PS]
• Tom Cruise has officially turned Katie Holmes into himself. [ICYDK]
• Faith Hill should never look this good in a bikini. [Yeeeah]
PALTROW COMES TO MADGE'S AID " Gwyneth Paltrow is helping her friend Madonna through breakup of her marriage. The actress told reporters that she's supporting the pop star following Wednesday's announcement that she's separated from filmmaker-husband Guy Ritchie. 'She's a very good friend. I'm supporting her in all the ways that I can. I'm just there for her. I speak to her a lot.'"
• By popular demand: The other clip of Sarah Palin's Saturday Night Live appearance. [Yeeeah]
• Jennifer Aniston is reportedly pregnant with John Mayer's baby. We'll wait until the National Enquirer confirms this before we believe it. [INO]
• Guy Ritchie on sex with Madonna: It's like "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." [CityRag]
• Tara Reid reminds us of the dangers of too much plastic surgery. [ICYDK]
• Suri Cruise tries to make a run for it after Tom forces her to pose for pictures. What a dad. [DListed]
• Dakota Fanning performed with her high school cheerleading squad over the weekend while her new movie debuted at the box office. Just like us! [PS]
Yohane Banda, the man who allowed Madonna to adopt his child and then used the situation repeatedly to bask in the media spotlight, is back at it after hearing news of the singer's divorce from Guy Ritchie.
Instead of offering up a respectable "no comment," the father has this to say:
I am still a poor farmer with nothing to offer, but maybe he'd be better off back with us. This woman, Madonna, told me herself that David was beautiful and made her happy and she promised to take care of him. Now I see him in a big bewildering crowd in the street with people pushing and shoving, and many cameras around, and without a mother and father to hold his hand. I'm feeling bad for him.
OK, we tend to agree that celebrity children shouldn't have to put up with the paparazzi madness, but what good can come of Banda publicly wishing David was back in his arms? The child deserves better than being treated like a winning lottery ticket.
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First we told you that Guy Ritchie stood to make $100 million plus from his divorce with Madonna. Then came word that, no, Ritchie wants "not one penny" of Madge's fortune. But if that's true, then why has Madonna acquired the services of Fiona Shackleton, Britain's shrewdest divorce attorney?
Today, new information about the still unfolding drama says that not only is Ritchie going after Madge's millions, under British law, he stands to see about 250 of them. If he's successful, his would be the most expensive celebrity divorce in recent history.
After the jump, some more ungodly settlements.
Look what we found! A picture of Madonna and Guy Ritchie appearing like they actually like each other. Enjoy it while you can, because the divorce proceedings are already starting to get nasty. A look at what each divorcée is saying about the other, after the jump.
MADGE ALREADY A VINDICTIVE PSYCHO "… Madonna couldn't resist launching a thinly veiled attack on her soon to be ex husband Guy Ritchie as she took to the stage in Boston last night. Before she sang 'Miles Away', which Madonna previously claimed was inspired by Ritchie, she told the audience: 'This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do.'"
KEEP YOUR STINKIN' MONEY! According to The Sun, we spoke too soon when we speculated that Guy Ritchie would probably wrangle away around $100 million from estranged wife Madonna's coffers: "THE marriage of Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been dogged by bitterness and recrimination for YEARS — and any notion that they have battled to save it is a myth. The couple are said to be just days away from finalising their split. And Guy has told lawyers he wants 'not one penny' of her estimated £300million fortune."
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