LOCKLEAR CHARGED WITH DUI TWO MONTHS LATER • "Heather Locklear has been formally charged with driving under the influence of drugs in connection with her September arrest, the Santa Barbara, Calif., District Attorney's Office said Monday. The misdemeanor charge filed by the DA's office specifies that the drugs in question were 'prescription medications.' If convicted, the actress, 47, faces penalties ranging from a fine to up to six months in county jail."

Dave Moore and Bill Manville put together a nice little article summing up why addicts of the famous variety don't always recover after trips to rehab. Now, to be fair, rehab isn't exactly 100 percent effective for regular civilians, but the success rate is drastically lower when it comes to celebrities. And here's why:

People like Heather Locklear are so sheltered by agents, lawyers and studio publicists — that even if they attend a 12-step meeting, they are still 'stars.' It is difficult for them to experience the healing powers of anonymity and group morale.

Makes sense. Let this be a lesson to all of you: Celebrities who become addicts are simply screwed. Best of luck!

Try to think back to earlier this week when Heather Locklear was arrested on suspicion of DUI. She looked crazy, but TMZ is saying that the woman who reported the crime in the first place is even crazier — she's a former Us Weekly staffer. Yeesh.

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly's computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear in the Montecito area. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn't even moving at the time.

After calling 911, Ishkanian took the next logical step: She called a paparazzi agency to take pictures of the event, because why wouldn't Heather want to document this memory? But this isn't helping Locklear one bit: Officials said that Ishkanian's actions don't take away her credibility as a witness. Just her soul.

• Aubrey O'Day's dog was probably better off at the shelter. [DListed]

• Good news! Hollywood has come up with yet another unhealthy way to lose weight. [INO]

• Photos of Heather Locklear's arrest. She still looks crazy. [CityRag]

• Amy Winehouse went crazy and attacked some people. So basically, a typical weekend. [Yeeeah]

• Dennis Quaid is disgusted with Meg Ryan and her need for attention. [ICYDK]

• Katie Holmes has lost all of her attractiveness — now she's just plan scary. How sad. [PS]

[Source]

Did everyone have a good weekend? Heather Locklear did: The actress was arrested Saturday night in Santa Barbara for driving under the influence of what cops believe to be drugs. A resident called police after witnessing Heather "driving erratically"; when police found her, she had parked her car on a state highway, blocking a lane. Sounds perfectly normal to us.

After being tested for drugs and alcohol, law enforcement reported that alcohol was not involved. She was released without posting bail — but not before delivering one of the most terrifying mug shots of all time. Good one, Heather!

WE FORGOT SHE WAS IN REHAB"After successfully completing four weeks of treatment for anxiety and depression, Heather Locklear is back home. 'Heather's feeling really great,' says a close friend. 'And she looks beautiful, just radiant.'"

• I don't know who's luckier: Will Smith or David Letterman? [Celebitchy]

• Jessica Alba's new baby glow hasn't made her any less of a Debbie Downer. [PS]

• After years of putting up with Denise Richards, Heather Locklear has entered a treatment facility to assist with psychological issues. It's about time. [DListed]

• DMX was arrested for the third time in two months. Don Imus, care to comment? [ICYDK]

• Chris Brown's mother confirms Hollywood's worst kept secret. [INO]

• Selfish prick Al Sharpton figures the best way to protest the acquittal of the three police officers who killed Sean Bell is by "shutting down" New York City, home to 8 million people with lives and issues of their own. Thanks, Al. [SH]

• "One actor asked the woman why she loves [Clay Aiken] so much, she answered the only way a crazed Claymate would answer, 'He is the Savior.'" [DListed]

• According to the gays, Ugly Betty is the best comedy on television. Blue Collar TV was robbed again! [PS]

• What does Elizabeth Hurley do? Is she a model? Is she a zombie? [HT]

• James Bwunt huwt his wittew fingew! [INO]

• The Iceman is melting. (We don't know how we do it. It just comes to us.) [ICYDK]

• Heather Locklear was caught momentarily making an unattractive face. Now everyone's making fun of her. Being famous sure is awesome, huh? [Yeeeah]

• Reese Witherspoon has cut out her plastic bag consumption, which is nice of her. [CityRag]

Upstanding citizen Richie Sambora was charged with DUI after being pulled over last night in LA and failing multiple field sobriety tests. But it gets better: Sources say 10-year-old Ava, Richie's daughter with Heather Locklear, was in the car at the time — therefore Richie could possibly face child endangerment charges.

Between a drunk driver and a potential suicide case, Ava should just get a new set of parents.

• Nice one, mom. [SOMGWTF]

• Really, Angelina, how does a mother of four stay so thin? Oh, by only having one. [DListed]

• High fashion puts it this way: "Black chick's asses are too fat." [SH]

• I guess Locklear really deserves that "40 and Sporty" shirt. [HT]

• Billy Ray Cyrus is releasing a new album. My achy, breaky musical sensibility can't believe this shit. [ICYDK]

• Keep in mind that these were taken the day after her DUI arrest. Clever girl! [Yeeeah]

• Wilted Rose. [CityRag]

Motorola celebrated its 8th Birthday last night and the stars were out en force (to get some free stuff, natch). Christina performed for the crowd which included Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Donald Faison, AJ McLean (is he on that new VH1 show where a group of old boy banders try to hit it big again? Does that mean we'll be seeing a lot of him? Can he stop with the eyeliner?), Ivanka Trump, Jesse Metcalf, Nicollette Sheridan, Heather Locklear and a completely ecstatic looking David Spade.

Guys, I have something admit and, yes, I'm going to gossip blogger hell for this but…how do I say this…I think Paris Hilton has been looking pretty lately. Her outfits (Halloween notwithstanding) are cute. Her hair is (fake) pretty. Please, someone send me a recent picture to snap me back to reality. It's getting hard to live with myself.

[Source]

• Natalie Portman visited wounded soldiers in the Middle East. No joke there. [Egotastic]

• Don't try to be a catty vengeful bitch, Nicole Richie, Kristin Cavallari, like, owns, catty vengeful bitch. [OAN]

• Heather Locklear needs a break from David Spade, just like the rest of us did after being beaten over the head with Joe Dirt. [A Socialite's Life]

• Lionel Richie visited a doctor who told him that Nicole isn't anorexic. Unfortunately, that doctor was Nicole with a fake moustache on. [MSNBC]

• Nick Lachey is finally ready to bring Vanessa Minnillo home for the weekend to watch him watch sports. [Celebrity Nation]

• If Lance Armstrong is Matthew McConaughey's sugar daddy, does that mean all those pics of the two hitting on girls were a sham? For shame. [Celebitchy]

• President Bush runs out of people to give positions to, randomly chooses Clay Aiken. [BWE]

• Cameron Diaz goes for the dark hair to match her nasty attitude. [TMZ]

• H to the Hot Pants, J to the Z-ee…I'm not very good at that. [DListed]

• Ever want to get your hands on a picture of Michael Jackson frolicking with Peter Pan and Rainbows? Today is your lucky day. [The Superficial]

• Planetary system to Pluto: You're Fired. [Junkiness]

• Okay, so these pictures of Brody Jenner and Nicole Richie friends as kids are pretty f-ing adorable. [Perez Hilton]

• Get a glimpse into David Spade's life: Heather Locklear's undies. [A Socialite's Life]

• Bill Clinton has become any other old man, he falls asleep in public and probably drools on that clueless kid next to him. [BWE]

• Hey Michael Lohan, I think Katie Holmes is stealing your ideas. At least she finally has a way to communicate. [GotA]

• Speaking of which, tonight will probably be the last night I accept submissions in the MollyGood Michael Lohan Prison Art Revampimation Contest (in which everyone is a winner). So knock a few back and get on that paint program, darlings. [MollyGood]

• The Johnny Depp wax figure is pretty spot-on, but the Keira Knightly one is way off. Don't they know her jaw is more epic than that? [I'm Not Obsessed]

• Jeff Goldblum skews young, and apparently skeletal, with Nicole Richie. [WWTDD]

• Jessica Simpson and Zach Braff? Indie girls everywhere die a slow death at the concept of their leader pursuing the cheerleader they could never be. [Perez Hilton]

• Heather Locklear can't learn from her own mistakes, replaces ex-husband Richie Sambora tattoo with very new boyfriend David Spade-based tat. Genius. [Popbytes]

• The Emmy nominations are out, and apparently cancellation is the new key to success. [PopWatch]

• Please start calling Lindsay Lohan by her Kaballah name: Rose. As pure and gentle as she is. [Velvet Hot Tub]

• Lindsay Lohan is 20 going on you friend's 45-year-old mom who's always awkwardly drunk when you go over to do homework after school. [The Superficial]

• Don't bring your man-purse around Andy Roddick. Seriously, he thinks that's girly as hell. [DListed]

• Heather Locklear appears to have done a pretty decent job shaping up David Spade. They don't even look absurd together. [JustJared]

• Finally you can see inside Brad Pitt's house without feeling like a stalker. [A Socialite's Life]

• This Star Jones vs. the View catfight may just be the best thing to happen to Star in years. [Us Weekly]

• Scarlett Johansson is overwhelming, both with her body and her mind. [Egotastic]

• Mary-Kate Olsen is taking it back with her fashion sense. Like way back. Like biblical times back. [DListed]

• Joe Simpson's Creepy Dad Gossip Trading card appreciates in value every time he forces a daughter into cosmetic surgery. [Gallery of the Absurd]

• Speaking of which, watch Ashlee Simpson's new face perform in her new video before they force it to be removed. [Faded Youth]

• David Spade is amazed that he scored a woman as hot as Heather Locklear. The world agrees. [Celebitchy]

• Victoria Beckham is everyone's guilty pleasure. Criticize all you want, but she looks hot in those shorts. [Hollywood Tuna]

• Amy Poehler has some advice if you're ever in New York. Somehow she left out 'be sure not to eat anything, lest it have calories.' [CityRag]

• Madonna won't sleep in the same room as Guy Richie because she can't be around the AC. That, or she can't stand looking at his face. [Hollywood Rag]

Listen, guys, Denise Richards is totally not a horrible bitch. She didn't mean to go for her best friend's husband right after they split. She wasn't even best friends with Heather Locklear, just, like, really good friends for the past few years. And, and, Shut the fuck up, Richards, you're just making things worse. Someone get this fucktard a publicist so she stops talking to the press and further destroying her reputation. This weekend after her performance at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge anniversary, she sat around looking vacant (above) and ran her mouth about her relationship with Richie Sambora. People has the story:

"The thing with Heather, that's been hard," she tells Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing Monday night. "You know you can't help who you fall for and that friendship, unfortunately, was done and wasn't salvageable."
…
In the interview, she insists that her relationship with Sambora, 46, which began shortly after Locklear filed for divorce from the Bon Jovi guitarist, was "the last thing I was looking for," adding, "it's true when they say things happen when you least expect it."

In terms of her relationship with Locklear, Richards says they were never "best friends" as has been reported. "People have gone on – 'Would you date your best friend('s husband)?' " she says. "You know, she wasn't my best friend. She was a close friend in the last couple of years. I hadn't known her my whole life (like) people (are) portraying this."

Still, Richards admits, "(It's) been tough having people think that I'm such a crappy friend."

She also insists that Sambora and Locklear's marriage was over – as was her own union with Charlie Sheen – before she and Sambora got together. "We didn't meddle in marriages and anything like that."

See, Denise, it's not that everyone thinks you're a crappy friend, everyone knows you're a crappy friend. I'm also not sure how exactly she and Sambora didn't 'meddle in marriages' seeing as neither couple is technically divorced yet. I am splitting hairs here, but it sounds like she is one delusional tramp-tramp. Maybe she is just taking a page from the Bill Clinton Book of Romantic Ambiguity–you say 'extramarital sexual relations,' I say 'harmless BJ in the Oval Office,' you say 'home wrecker,' I say 'stumbling across my soul mate in my good friend's bed.'

[Source]

• Did Jessica Alba get breast implants? Or was it double-sided tape? Or childhood illness? Well, that god awkward real quick, didn't it? [WWTDD]

• Ashlee Simpson's face is still totally unsettling. Ugly duckings everywhere need a new role model. [Hollywood Tuna]

• "Hey kids, meet your new daddy, David Spade. He won't molest you for at least a couple more years."–Heather Locklear [Hot Momma Drama]

• No matter what she's doing, even asking an airline employee a question, Nicole Ritchie looks like an idiot. [The Gilded Moose]

• I'm not sure what is more terrifing, Vivica Fox's face or Tyson Beckford's goatee. [Hollywood Rag]

• Always remember, Paris isn't the only Hilton who can get drunk and make a fool out of herself. Nicky does her part, too. [PopSugar]