If you ever start to feel down about the state of humanity, just remember this: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are making way more money than you.
We didn’t believe it when we saw the video of the couple we love to hate as they went house shopping yesterday in [Malibu]. They looked at two homes: the aforementioned $12 mil beach house and a 10,000 sq. ft. estate with an asking price of more than $15 mil.
So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re ’serious buyers.’
Guess this is what happens when you sell all your pride.
There are a few things we are able to gather from the latest trailer for The Hills‘ fourth season: First of all, a lot of the drama has been kept under wraps this time around, meaning the cast is getting better at keeping their mouths shut or the public has simply lost interest. Also, the cast seems to expand every season, and we have a feeling it’s not because Lauren and Audrina are simply attracting lots of friends. This show has turned into a famewhoring free-for-all. Oh, and Heidi and Spencer still suck.
Once again using her late stepbrother as justification for her ridiculous actions, Heidi Montag announced she and boyfriend Spencer Pratt are planning a trip to the Middle East to perform for the troops. Haven’t the troops suffered enough?
My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq. It???s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.
And don’t worry about how the reality show duo plans to pay for this trip ??? John McCain’s daughter Meghan (and Heidi’s supposed new BFF) will be footing the bill, says Spencer: “Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she???s going to put that together for us.”
Wonder if Meghan is aware of this.
Heidi Montag, one of the only members of Young Hollywood brave ??? or foolish ??? enough to publicly support John McCain, is quickly inserting herself into the GOP. She and Spencer Pratt dined with (in the vicinity of) George Bush at this year???s White House Correspondents Dinner, and yesterday she grabbed lunch with McCain???s daughter Meghan, who runs that blog. They ate at The Ivy, a spot where many famous people go to avoid being photographed by the paparazzi. Except, egads, the paps found ???em! And they were tres interested in what they were up to! Well, not so much Meghan, because they didn???t have a clue who she was.
• Sorry, ladies: Pat O’Brien is getting married. Let’s take a moment to honor one of the last good men with an encore presentation of his infamous voicemails. (YouTube audio NSFW) [DListed]
• Get this: Uma Thurman might be pregnant at the same time her ex-husband, Ethan Hawke, is preparing to marry a former nanny that she hired. The circle of life, Hollywood style! [Yeeeah]
• Barack Obama must be doing something right: His daughter isn’t hanging out with Heidi Montag. [HT]
• Maggie Gyllenhaal threatens to leave New York City. To be honest, we didn’t even know she lived here in the first place. [ICYDK]
• Alert the presses: Lindsay Lohan almost kisses Samantha Ronson. [PS]
• Eva Longoria got “ugly” for her role on Desperate Housewives. Except … she still looks pretty. [INO]
BUT WHAT ABOUT HEIDIWOOD? “L.A. boutique Kitson just dropped Lauren Conrad’s line. How surprising, right? ‘Sales were lackluster,’ Kitson owner Fraser Ross told us. ‘Initially it was great.’ Ross tried to get Conrad to do a personal appearance in the store but said her people couldn’t figure out a date.”
Why Heidi Montag was allowed to “create” a fall collection for her Heidiwood line is beyond us, especially considering this series is even worse than the last, a feat we once thought impossible. Not only are the clothes uninspired and cheaply made, but each outfit has the dumbest name imaginable (see “Hoodiewood”). And evidently the only pants in her collection are those awful “black skinnies,” which says a lot about the variety in her line.
And if you weren’t totally convinced that this is the worst collection in the history of clothing, here’s the description of one of her outfits, creatively titled “Signature Required”: “All you need is Heidi’s signature for your VIP entrance…in this black denim jacket and overdyed black skinnies.” If there is indeed a club that required Heidi’s signature for admission, we don’t want to be on the guest list. Ever.
WHAT A JOKE “Why were Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt at a firing range in L.A. Tuesday? ‘All the super soaker ranges were closed,’ Pratt joked to Usmagazine.com. ‘Seriously, we’re learning in honor of Heidi’s step-brother. … He loved guns and always wanted Heidi to become a great marksmen. We’re fulfilling his dream.’”
The hills are alive with the sound of M16 bursts! Yes, those are real guns Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are caressing like awed monkeys, and, apparently, there’s a lot more where those came from: “The Hills couple has been concerned about their protection and … recently spent $10,000 on weapons at the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif.” As if these two sad, strange people weren’t frightening enough!
Heidi Montag just released yet another single to the masses, because we know everyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats for more “music” from the D-list loser. This one is called “One More Drink,” in which she talks about getting wasted and going home with a guy. This all makes sense, because she hopes to glorify God through her music and claims to never drink alcohol, ever.
The great (and by “great” we mean “annoying”) thing about Heidi Montag is that she’s a mystery: Does she really believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth or is it all a big joke? And if it’s a joke, why does she insist on being the punch line?
Lately, Horse Face has gone off on a Christianity tangent, claiming she reads the Bible every day and is a “kind of non-denominational Baptist.” Whatever that means. Also? She plans to insult God through the power of her terrible music by recording a Christian album.
I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. … God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?
Because if there’s anyone who reminds us of Christ, it’s Heidi Montag. And to further prove her point, Heidi says she and Spencer Pratt plan to go be missionaries in Africa to “feed children and help build things.”
I don’t really get why she’d use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me.
I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.
How big of you, Spence. It’s a shame nobody can forgive you for going through life as the biggest d-bag in America.
I’m feeling honest today, so I’m about to do something therapeutic: I’m coming clean about some things I’m ashamed to admit that I enjoy. As part of my job, I have to be judgmental and critical ??? but sometimes I just want to confess my undying love for the celebrities and shows the public majority views as repulsive. So here’s my list of six things I’m embarrassed to reveal. Admitting my problem is the first step to recovery.
Good news, y’all! Heidi Montag has released yet another single, and, according to Spencer Pratt, it’s “the greatest song of [his] life.” The song is titled “Fashion,” and Heidi even throws in a little French to make the song even more high-class. A sample of the lyrics, for those too self-respecting to listen:
I’m too fabulous / I’m so fierce that it’s so nuts / I live to be model thin / Dress me, I’m your mannequin
Seriously, this has to be a joke. No sane person could listen to this travesty and actually say, “Hey, let’s put this out for public consumption.” Right? … Right?
OK, so this is another Hills post. But before you start shaking your fists and cursing my name, let me state for the record that I truly feel in my heart this is worthy of a posting, if only for the pure enjoyment of watching David Letterman make fun of Spencer Pratt for six minutes. To make matters worse, Dave gets so annoyed by Spencer that he resorts to visiting Heidi in the green room, where the interview grows 10 times more awkward than previously imagined. By the end of it all, I’m still left wondering: With The Hills on hiatus and no LC sex tape rumor to promote, what the hell was Spencer doing on Letterman in the first place? CONTINUED »