Because we've all gone mad and everything is now absurd, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain will each appear on WWE program Monday Night Raw tonight, the eve of the important Pennsylvania primary. In prerecorded messages, the three wealthy candidates will attempt to convince fans of professional wrestling that they like Frito pie and bitter gun nuts.
NICE ONE, DEMS "Republican Sen. John McCain has erased Sen. Barack Obama's 10-point advantage in a head-to-head matchup, leaving him essentially tied with both Democratic candidates in an Associated Press-Ipsos national poll released Thursday. The survey showed the extended Democratic primary campaign creating divisions among supporters of Obama and rival Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and suggests a tight race for the presidency in November no matter which Democrat becomes the nominee."
Is this the perfect candidate? And is it odd that we find her him it slightly beautiful?
According to a publicity stunt conjured by the New England Historic Genealogical Society, presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton can claim as cousins an odd assortment of famous people. For instance, Clinton is a cousin of permamommy actress Angelina Jolie. Interesting, but not implausible. That is, until you consider the NEHGS's finding that Clinton's rival, Senator Obama, is related to Jolie's longtime partner, Brad Pitt.
Also said to have familial connections to Senator Clinton are Celine Dion, Madonna and Alanis Morissette. Perhaps fittingly, Barack can call six US presidents "cuz," including James Madison and George W Bush. And maybe he gets his oratorical skills from another distant relative: Sir Winston Churchill.
Conclusions:
• Racists know very little about history.
• Politics has never mattered when the lights are off.
• The Obama camp needs to play up that Pitt connection.
• Demi Moore has a great new beauty treatment: Allowing leeches to prey on her. Which works out nicely, since she's with Ashton Kutcher. [PS]
• Amy Winehouse cleaned up her act! Just kidding, she looks like hell. [DListed]
• Priscilla Presley's face is all messed up because it was injected with "silicone used to lubricate auto parts." We're going to pretend that's also what happened to Jocelyn Wildenstein. [TMZ]
• Genealogists believe Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie and Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt. You know who else they say Barack is related to? George Bush. [Yahoo]
• Britney knows talent when she sees it: American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook, this season's Sanjaya, was signed to Spears' label many years ago and was even mentored by the pop star. We can see that worked out. [INO]
• Denise Richards legally dropped Sheen as her last name; still no word on what she did with her dignity. [Us]
Oh, politics! White Senator Hillary Clinton's people are today scoffing at a claim they darkened black Senator Barack Obama's skin tone in a new attack ad. The image on the left shows Obama in last week's Ohio debate, while the image on the right is a screen grab from the Clinton ad. Hmm.
"You are playing with complicated technological mediums here," Clinton campaign spokesman Jay Carson told the New York Post. "Coloration in every single screen shot looks different…It looks different in every single place."
Oddly, Carson later stated that the darker image of Obama wasn't even taken from a Clinton ad: "We don’t know what is up there, but it is not our ad." That, of course, is a total fucking lie, which you can see for yourself on Clinton's Web site.
We're having flashbacks to 1994.
Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in primaries in Rhode Island, Ohio and Texas last night. Obama won only in Vermont, though he also currently leads in the as-yet-undecided Texas caucus. Nevertheless, Hillary, rightfully so, talked some shit:
“No candidate in recent history — Democratic or Republican — has won the White House without winning the Ohio primary,” Mrs. Clinton, of New York, said at a rally in Columbus, Ohio. “We all know that if we want a Democratic president, we need a Democratic nominee who can win Democratic states just like Ohio.”
Despite Clinton's victories, Obama maintains a lead in elected delegate support.
If you're lost, you're supposed to be.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is back from maternity leave, and she is fucking pissed! What's got her rankled now? That feminazi tramp Gloria Steinem and her poncey support of Hillary Clinton, that's what.
Drunk off the power bestowed upon her by millions of liberal arts college coeds and The New York Times, Steinem recently shot off at the mouth and said she's glad Mrs Clinton isn't trained to kill like Republican white man and POW John McCain. Hasselbeck, who lives for shit like this, jumped on the comment during The View's "Hot Topics" segment, calling Steinem's words a "despicable mischaracterization" and "evil," the go-to word for crazies not good at arguing. Sad, because for a moment there, Thin Lizzy actually had a valid point.
The second half of this clip is Hillary Clinton speaking in last night's debate against Barack Obama. Watch as she unabashedly lifts her closing remarks from pretty-boy quitter John Edwards. It's getting scandalous!
• Here's Amnesia Sparkles – the drag queen responsible for making Cord "Cordless" – explaining how this Sunday's Oscars will be like sex with a black man. As you might guess, it's NSFW. [Queerty]
• Idle Americans are prepared to again fawn over American Idols, many of whom will soon become idle Americans once again. [DListed]
• That's not the breast place for a tattoo, Christina. [HT]
• A silvery Rihanna awaits your approval here. [INO]
• "I'm the Hillary Clinton of the Oscars." [ICYDK]
• Go organic! It'll make you feel like a new person filled with alien spirits! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [CityRag]
• Hey! More and more people are discovering that we have too many goddamn golf courses in this country. Cacti of the American Southwest, we've made the first step. [NYT]
• You will? [Jossip]
• Lindsay Lohan's breasts as art? [DListed]
• Javier Bardem doesn't seem too excited about his impending Oscar. [PS]
• What does Hilary Duff do these days? [HT]
• "A Joker action figure modeled after Heath Ledger’s character in The Dark Knight is going to be released. There are two versions…one with a rocket launcher and another with a knife." [INO]
• How can a premiere happen so many times? [ICYDK]
• Here are some homes much too large for the people inhabiting them. Suck it, homeless situation. [CityRag]
HEY, HEY, HEY, GOODBYE After spending tens of millions of Mormon bucks from his own coffer on his campaign, Mitt Romney's dropping out of the race for the White House. Ever graceful, he called the Democrats cowards on his way out the door: "If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror." Later, D-bag!
With Barack Obama last night losing so definitively with minorities of both genders, Gawker today gathers stories from various media sources into one stinking but unavoidable cesspool of an explanation: even other minorities hate black people.
Writing in the New Republic, John Judis surveyed academic research on Latino attitudes toward blacks and cited, to take one example, a sociology study at Duke that found "58.9 percent of Latino immigrants, but only 9.3 percent of whites, reported feeling that 'few or almost no blacks are hard-working.'"
And this from Daniela, a Latino NPR listener in Los Angeles: "To have a black president would, I don't know … what that would do. I don't know, the black community would just rise up and would feel like it owned the entire country!"
Don't worry, Daniela, the black community will never own the entire country. We're more sure of that every single day.
Celebrities make too much money. Subjective, sure, but probably true. Truer still is that very often those fortunes are wasted in inglorious, ill-planned blazes.
But sometimes the millions serve a higher purpose; sixth homes declined in favor of the public that makes a celebrity a celebrity. Yet where are those figures in Star and the National Enquirer?
Screw Birkin bags, time for money that counts: political donations.
CONTINUED »
SOMETIMES BEING RIGHT IS LONELY "The striking members of the Writers Guild are disappointed they aren't getting more support from the supposedly pro-union Democratic presidential candidates. The bitter scribes say front-runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are afraid of alienating their well-heeled supporters in Hollywood, folks like Alan Horn (Warner Bros.), Peter Chernin (Fox) and Bob Iger (Disney)…All of the Democratic presidential candidates have issued statements in support of the strikers, but only John Edwards has appeared in person to picket and speak with the writers…"
Celebrities make too much money. Subjective, sure, but probably true. Truer still is that very often those fortunes are wasted in inglorious, ill-planned blazes.
But sometimes the millions serve a higher purpose; sixth homes declined in favor of the public that makes a celebrity a celebrity. Yet where are those figures in Star and the National Enquirer?
Screw Birkin bags, time for money that counts: political donations.
CONTINUED »
O IS FOR OUSTED "Ellen DeGeneres ousted Oprah Winfrey as favorite television personality in a poll released Monday. The popular entertainer catapulted from the No. 8 spot last year to push Winfrey into second place. Winfrey had reigned the Harris Poll's favorite television stars list for five consecutive years." Does this mean Obama's going to lose to Hillary?
Editor
