Friday was the anniversary of Anna Nicole Smith's death, and her hangers-on are still finding ways to sell her out. It's like looking into the future, except instead of Larry Birkhead it's Kevin Federline, and instead of Howard K. Stern it's Sam Lutfi.
Anna's former bodyguard, Big Moe, is the latest to give his story and share new "shocking" details, like the fact that Larry Birkhead is probably gay. Duh.
'Because of how Larry looked, she figured, oh my child would look great,' Big Moe told Access Hollywood's Tony Potts. 'Blonde hair, blue eyes, you know, "Go great with me and my baby will come out beautiful."'
'So basically, from what she told you and what you’re telling me is that Anna looked at Larry as a sperm donor to get a really beautiful child?' Tony asked.
'That's it,' Big Moe said.
Big Moe also claims Anna told him that due to his 'lifestyle' there would be no strings attached.
'What's his lifestyle?' Tony asked.
'Well, she told me that, you know, he was a homosexual,' Big Moe said. 'She knew deep down that he didn't want to be with her.'
Look, we're not doubting that Larry plays for the other team, but just because a guy didn't want to touch Anna Nicole with a 10-foot pole doesn't mean he's gay.
[Source]
Welp, it's getting weirder:
An explosive tell-all book about Anna Nicole Smith's sad demise alleges the two men who battled for custody of her baby girl and control of her fortune were gay lovers.
The bombshell allegations about the steamy relationship between the former Playboy Playmate's longtime companion Howard K. Stern and her baby's biological father, Larry Birkhead, come to light in "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death."
And it gets better…
CONTINUED »
The gravy train carrying litigious salon-goer (like, even more than chicks, I bet) Larry Birkhead came to an abrupt halt recently, when OK! magazine severed ties with the famous father amid rumors of Birkhead's underhanded custody dealings with supposed foe Howard K Stern.
"My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all," editor Sarah Ivens said in a statement yesterday. It is strongly rumored that "Blonde Ambition," written by Rita Cosby, will indicate the two men, who both claimed to father the baby, struck a backroom deal.
"The newly obtained allegations are detailed, shocking and potentially incriminating," the magazine's publicist said.
Sorry, Ivens, but if you're just now learning that Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern (and Anna Nicole Smith, for that matter) "tricked us all," you deserved to get duped.
[Source]
The inaugural Someone Haiku went absolutely swimmingly! We had entries aplenty, a bold venture into a completely different genre and a response so flippant I'm not sure if it's sarcastic or just of British origin; it may be both.
Sadly, while most of the entries were of value, one must be considered most valuable, and today our victor is jim, with this:
Publicity drives.
Stupidity thrives, Wahler
is irrelevant.
Well done, sir. You may e-mail me here to claim your prize.
Today's Someone Haiku subject will be the breaking news that DNA evidence has proven Larry Birkhead to be Dannielynn Smith's father, thus relegating Howard K Stern to Rumpelstiltskin status.
Not only is Dannielynn a bad name, it's three syllables. I look forward to today's poems. Remember, you may also enter here. Good luck. To the victor goes a t-shirt!
[Source]
• Britney's ex fling looks exactly like the kid from oft overlooked Josh and SAM, and he talks like an idiot. [DListed]
• Stern says he won't try for custody when it's proven he's definitely not the baby daddy. [TMZ]
• Guess what: Brandon Davis feels entitled! [ASL]
• Avril Lavigne needs 10 bathrooms to handle all her bullshit. [ICYDK]
• Shape thinks outies are ugly. [INO]
• Kate Beckinsale sounding like a scumbag by claiming she wants Queen Latifah's body just for the boobs. [IDLYITW]
• "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs" [NYT]
• David Arquette pissing out the name of his new movie. Incidentally, this is also how he did his daughter's birth announcements. [Defamer]
• Howard K Stern is still being villainous. [ASL]
• Now Borat will have his very own kid to fuck with. [PopSugar]
• Finally, Catholicism may actually be preventing molestations, or at the very least delaying them for 40 days. [Jossip]
• Probably best not to take your inspiration from Britney, Avril. [HT]
• Well, these crazy kids just might last! [HR]
• Jessica Biel staying true to her craft and just showing her ass like everyone wants. [Egotastic]
• A very circuitous TMZ diss from the always prophetic Janice Dickinson. [CB]
• Which TV actor has herpes? Keep in mind that studies have proven that herpes makes you a better actor. [Jossip]
• Anna Nicole's cause of death will be revealed Monday. (Cue Howard K Stern yanking on his shirt collar and going, "GULP!") [INO]
• Carmen Electra's coming out? Wasn't she already a lesbian with that Navarro chick? [HT]
• Dropping rape charges in a MySpace flame war? It's a pornstar divorce. [ASL]
• Warrants out like a Fox-y! [TMZ]
• Get out there and get that Madonna designed, cheaply made line. [PopSugar]
• Dueling widows (cue the banjos). Howard wins for black on black on black. [People]
• Not kosher, Anna Nicole. [TMZ]
• Sexy Avril Lavigne is like carefree Osama. [Egotastic]
• Jodie Foster's whale tail. You read that right. I thought she was better than this. [ICYDK]
• Philip Bloch proving stylists don't know shit. [Jossip]
• The Olsens have designed a $175 shirt for Barney's. Sources tell MollyGood that this a secret government Stupid Test and that if you buy it they sterilize you. [Us]
• John Galliano has bottled the true essence of his pirate mustache. [ASL]
• It's all the Coldplay. It's making her dreary. [ASL]
• Idol babe allowed to stay because she's not fat and black like the other one who did porn. [DListed]
• Aren't women not supposed to share bathing suits? [Egotastic]
• The entire security team that escorted Diddy's son to the lap dance party has been fired. [Glitterati]
• Carrie Fisher is the number one nerd crush. [ICYDK]
• Mama Pitt taking out the adopted babies. [PopSugar]
• Howard K. Stern, literally pimping. Maybe he's tainted the profession enough that rap stars will stop thinking it's cool to make women give you their money. [INO]
• Idol taking nudes on the World War II Memorial in our nation's capital. Best not to let your grandpa see this. NSFW [ONTD]
• "Touch her boobs? That's assault, brotha." [Egotastic]
• Surprisingly, Deal or No Deal producers don't really respect the briefcase girls as talented individuals. [Glitterati]
• Rose McGowan, do you have any idea how tiny that bandage is compared to how glaring your plastic surgery is? [INO]
• Visiting mom in rehab is one of life's simpler pleasures. [ICYDK]
• World's most coveted paperweight. [Jossip]
• Stern having his bluff called really, really loudly. [TMZ]
• Some research discovered that sororities are shallow. OK, big deal, right? But I bet you didn't realize how shallow. This article's depressing. [NYT]
• Jewel gives up the poetry, starts really capitalizing on her sex appeal. [HT]
• Howard's borrowing money from his parents to live. That's, of course, when he's not being escorted to the Bahamas on private jets. [DListed]
• Desperate housewife has twins. [Glitterati]
• You guys are just taking "skinny bitch" the wrong way. [People]
• "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father." [IDLYITW]
• J Lo's coming to American Idol to show the contestants that they too can go from nothing to materialistic diva. [INO]
• Federline and Brit's mom have joined forces to make a worrying, menthol-smoking super-sitter. [ICYDK]
• Wikipedia banned as source material. Interesting step in the technological age. [NYT]
I always knew things moved slowly and circuitously in Florida, and I assumed that it was just because the general citizenry was mildly hypnotized by the heat. They don't go about important stuff in the same manner, right? Wrong.
Yesterday, ending a very lackadaisical day of court proceedings, Judge Larry Seidlin offered Howard K. Stern the services of a private jet he had secured for him.
Originally, the judge had said that Stern would only have to stay for one day in court, but then told him, "I like having you here," and asked him to stay until Wednesday, even offering to fly him back to the Bahamas on a private jet that he claimed to have ready at a moment's notice. (Earlier, Seidlin said that he had procured the services of two jets, one owned by a local sports-team owner and another by a local heart doctor.)
Judge Seidlin practically begged Stern to come back, saying, "Please don't embarrass me by not showing up."
Who knew court was so luxurious? If you're in Florida, don't try to get out of jury duty, I hear the bailiffs give nice back rubs and the court reporters are also bartenders trained to make fantastic daiquiris.
Click here to see a very, very, very creepy video of Anna Nicole Smith displaying the effects of methadone on what I can only describe as an already stunted intellect.
The Gacy-esque face paint, drug-induced vacant stare and inability to recognize when being taken advantage of all help give rise to the point that maybe this was no longer a life worth living.
PS She's preggo in this video.
[Source]
• Cuh-reepy celeb minis. [Worth1000]
• Ill will: Howard K. Stern is gonna make a killing. :( [TMZ]
• Britney Spears' baby's eyes. GO CRAZY! [PITNB]
• Harry Potter casts a gratuitous ass-shot spell. [DListed]
• Probably couldn't take her mind off the hateful droves of cig tossers. [PopSugar]
• Tyra really making strides for black Americans by putting on a bathing suit and standing around. Magnificent. Praise her. [IDLYITW]
• The dude wears shiny, expensive suits. Why have a stylist you're going to stiff when that's what you wear. Next time just go to www.moneyedandobnoxious.com, Foxx. [ASL]
Speaking of Anna Nicole, check out these pictures that Splash News is publishing. They're from a Jeff Foxworthy roast in which Anna Nicole plays the part of a "redneck Marilyn Monroe." She sings "99 Bottles of Beer," drinks herself into oblivion and passes out on the floor. What a stretch.
Oh, also, Anna Nicole's baby isn't kidnapped yet:
Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl Dannielynn will be staying in the Bahamas after a judge slapped Howard K. Stern with a court order forbidding him from taking her out of the country.
After an impassioned plea from Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, Justice Stephen Isaacs granted a request for an injunction preventing Stern from whisking her away from the island
• You're in luck, Kiefer. Chicks dig depictions of violent rage. It's probably due to evolution, though. So, don't get too full of yourself. [ASL]
• Misogyny on the The L Word: "It's an entire show of women. And the amount of egos and insecurities and cattiness that can go on with a bunch of women - that's what you get." Uh oh! Don't kill the messenger. [Glitterati]
• Ummmm…wouldn't eating this cookie be kinda like making fun of taking communion? [INO]
• Booooooooring Olsen stuff. [HT]
• Ivanka v. Paris. We all lose! [TMZ]
• Jay-Z sells a different kind of Coke nowadays. His parties are now more boring because of it. [RD]
• We're looking at you, Stern. [WWTDD]
• Paparazzo profile in the Times. [NYT]
• Aniston's boobs and old nose. [Egotastic]
• Who woulda thought Howard K. Stern would be the one to defile the name Howard Stern? [INO]
• Wonderland working wonders. [PopSugar]
• Kylie's a li'l bundle of class. [ASL]
• My "diet doctor" hates my ice cream doctor and my mozzarella sticks nurse. [TS]
• FBI losing guns and sensitive information. No big deal, as conflicts worldwide remain at an all time low. [CNN]
• American Idol contestants are giving street cred to a cappella groups at colleges nationwide. [TMZ]
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