Hulk Hogan, on son Nick's stint in prison and how it turned him into the second coming of Xenu:
He was on a roll. He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything. He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what's important in life. He knows what's real, and what's not real.
And before he went in there, he was accountable, and he was responsible. And I think that's what he found out in jail, the most important thing. He understands what is real life. You know, it's about helping people, being positive, moving forward.
That last paragraph doesn't even make sense. Nice try, Hulk.
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Good news, Brooke Hogan! Your delinquent brother, Nick, will be released from prison three months early due to good behavior. Well, he may have been behaving appropriately, but the rest of the Hogan family failed at that aspect. Will they be receiving any sort of punishment?
The littlest Hogan will be back on the streets Oct. 21, so let this be a warning to all of our Florida readers: You have four weeks; pack up all your belongings and run.
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Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "Why are the camels yelling at me?" — Bjorn, Exiled
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "This wiener just pushed on my head all day long." — Molly, Sunset Tan
The Hogans have this weird disorder where they cry for sympathy and privacy and yet constantly seek out the media to further embarrass themselves. Denise Richards suffers from the same affliction, as do half the famewhores in Hollywood. Nothing newsworthy has been happening in the family lately — Nick's still in jail, Brooke's still parading her stupidity on television, Hulk and Linda are still divorcing — but the patriarch just has to talk to Us Weekly, this time about his estranged wife:
Without a doubt, this one is the most formidable opponent I’ve ever run into. You talk about dirty tricks: Brass knuckles, steel knuckles, cheap shots, tripping people up. I’ve never seen anybody in the wrestling business that has more dirty tricks than she does! I guess I taught her well.
Well, that most certainly wasn't a waste of time. Thanks, Hulk.
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There are some things we never want to hear, and discussion of Brooke Hogan's sex life qualifies as one of them. The desperate reality star tries to "coyly" avoid the topic of whether or not she's a virgin but quickly surrenders, leading us to believe that Brooke has a death wish. You know Hulk is going to be out for blood.
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "Like, I really don't feel bad for homeless people." — Brittany, Queen Bees
We've given up thinking the Hogans have functioning brains, because there really is no reason for the YouTube clip above, which features Brooke Hogan prancing around in lingerie at a Miami club this weekend. Sure, she has a reality show to promote — but surely there's a better way than slutting around a stage and assaulting us with her singing of "Hey Big Spender."
Just when our cold heart was starting to soften for Brooke Hogan, she had to go and screw it up. We were beginning to think this poor girl is handling herself the best way possible after being raised in a family as disastrous as hers, but that sympathy quickly waned during this Access Hollywood interview in which she's presented with yet another one of Nick's despicable jail phone calls.
Despite their newly-acquired negative public image, the Hogans have consistently insisted that they are genuinely concerned about John Graziano, the victim in Nick's car crash nearly a year ago. To prove their point, Hulk fronted a charity — which collected $60,000 last year — to raise cash for John's medical care. The only problem: The Grazianos say they haven't received a penny.
Graziano's attorney tells us that they haven't seen one red cent from "The Freedom Group," a charity that Hulk just happened to become the towel-waving spokesbeast for … a week after the crash.
To make matters worse, the Freedom Group recently canceled its biggest fund-raising event of the year because nobody wants to be associated with the Hogan family drama.
It was a nice thought.
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Brooke Hogan has graduated from making public accouncements via her MySpace blog to whoring her family problems out to the newest issue of Us Weekly. In Hollywood, that's considered a step up. We just wish she would keep her mouth shut and allow private things to remain private — like the fact that she is no longer on speaking terms with her mother. Also of note, Brooke still doesn't grasp the concept that her little precious baby brother Nick actually committed a serious crime. The police didn't just lock him up for fun, as much as you and your family try to convince yourselves otherwise.
An excerpt from the interview, after the jump. CONTINUED »
It's times like these we're grateful 911 calls are public record: An audio was just released featuring Linda Hogan and our new favorite dispatcher ever, who gave the Hogan matriarch some tough love. See, Hulk was evidently stalking Linda (driving by her house while reportedly being prohibited by a court order), so she decided to follow him around in her vehicle for a while. As you do.
The dispatcher was clearly not amused, wondering why Linda would be following around a guy who has frightened her to the point of filing a restraining order. Dude, don't bother trying to figure out the Hogans' thought process. It's really not worth it.
To listen to the tape, click here.
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Unsuccessful in their attempts to garner public sympathy via MySpace and Larry King Live, the Hogans are now making public threatening messages that the family believes are from Frank Graziano, the brother of the man left in a vegetative state after getting in the car with Nick.
Sure, the messages are cause for concern, but they were played on the radio this morning by host Bubba the Love Sponge, who just so happens to be a close Hogan family friend. This is obviously more of a publicity issue than it is about safety.
Also? We can guarantee the culprit isn't a member of the Graziano clan. The mystery man threatened to piss on the family's grave — it's obviously Sam Lutfi. Case closed.
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Hulk Hogan took to
Unfortunately for us, Brooke Hogan has yet to write another award-winning MySpace rant, but she is still giving ill-advised interviews in which she lets us in on the Hogan family drama. Nick has been given the week off, as the current topic is mother Linda and her 19-year-old boyfriend.
I’m totally freaked out. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support. … I went to school with [my mom's new boyfriend]. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).
I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It's crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best.
You know what doesn't help your situation, Brooke? Speaking to the media about concerns you should be sharing with your family. We can start with that. Next week, self-awareness.
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A new low has been reached in the world of reality television, this one featuring an absolutely stunning array of bad things: modern country music, Playboy, professional wrestling, Hulk Hogan and former child stars.
Danny Bonaduce, Dennis Rodman and Dustin "Screech" Diamond are heading into the ring to compete in CMT's upcoming reality series "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Championship Wrestling."
Also on board are Todd Bridges ("Diff'rent Strokes"), super-heavyweight boxer ButterBean, Trishelle Cannatella ("The Real World"), Erin Murphy (Tabitha Stephens on "Bewitched"), Frank Stallone, '80s pop star Tiffany and Playboy playmate Nikki Ziering.
They will compete to be named "Celebrity All-Star Wrestling Champion" based on their performance in various challenges that will include mastering complex wrestling moves, talking trash and working an audience.
Whoever wins, sadness reigns!
All that whining finally paid off: Nick Hogan has been transferred out of solitary confinement and is now in a communal cell with three other juvenile inmates. Unfortunately, he wasn't released from jail and he still hasn't won his lawsuit against the sheriff's office for releasing his phone conversations, so prepare for even more whining from the family as they discuss how terribly difficult this whole situation is on them via telephone.
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The Hogans have been keeping us busy lately, and, true to form, today has not been lacking in absurdity. The family filed a civil lawsuit against Pinellas County Sheriff Jim Coats for placing Nick in solitary confinement, but another legal battle involves the public release of phone calls from the jail, which is causing Nick "extreme emotional distress."
Surely the maternal Linda Hogan can help us make sense of all this. Why wouldn't the press be sympathetic to the family's plight? In a jailhouse phone call made public, she explained to Nick the ways of the world: "Everything's public record. Is nothing sacred anymore? Everyone's out for the money."
Well, she would know.
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