Remember when, like a freshman crushing on the senior star quarterback, Scarlett Johansson went around telling everyone who would listen that she and very important person Barack Obama had a blossoming e-mail relationship? In deference to those who don't recall, a couple weeks ago, the curvy Tom Waits impersonator told reporters she was "amazed" that Obama always found time to reply to her messages, which presumably went something like, "You're the best!!! And smart! Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be blonde. Did you know I'm from New York, the birthplace of Harlem? That's one of the reasons I can sympathize with your black bros and hos. Love you! Peace."

But, oh, how humiliating: Barry says Scarlett's lying!

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Disaster! Lauren Cleri, the honest whore who ruined her marriage on national television by admitting to infidelity and coveting other men, is even more evil than we expected: her cuckolded husband is a sweet, selfless rookie in the NYPD. (The 9/11 dudes!)

The poor bastard, Frank, is an officer in the Bronx, and surely finding it difficult to hold his head high around the precinct. "It's not very easy to overcome," he told the New York Post, "We've had our issues. Unfortunately, now they're not just our problems."

Along with emotional trauma and a huge chip on his shoulder, Frank's got a gun!