I'd like to be a president [known] as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace.
THIS CAN ONLY END WELL • Hills loser Heidi Montag on her mother's reaction to the Speidi elopement: "I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle.' She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that. I don't know when I'll tell her."
Worried about overeating this Thanksgiving? Us Weekly has you covered — the magazine just scored an EXCLUSIVE!!! cover story on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's surprise nuptials, set to hit stands later this week. Yeah, you read that right. Speidi finally got married, putting an end to their months-long fake engagement. Heidi says she "couldn't stop crying" the minute they said their vows in a secret ceremony in Mexico. There were reportedly no guests in attendance, because the couple makes everyone — even family members — ill with just one publicity-inspired kiss.
And, in case you were wondering, the gays still can't tie the knot because it will ruin the sanctity of marriage.
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America's sweetheart Kanye West took to his blog this weekend to rant about the fact that he doesn't listen to rap music in his apartment. Fair enough. But the most interesting moment came at the end of his post:
SIDEBAR: I USE ALL CAPS CAUSE I'M LAZY NOT MAD. I TYPE WITH ONE HAND AND HOLD THE PHONE WITH THE OTHER.
Finally someone is speaking out about this. We can't begin to describe the strenuous feeling that washes over us every time we have to move our pinky finger over to hold down the Shift key. And, while we're at it, moving our thumb to hold down the space bar in between words is pretty tiring as well.
GOTTHATSQUIDBRAINS!!!!
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Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "Crawling on the floor is really hard on your knees, but you can make a really great entrance that way." — Holly, The Girls Next Door
Yesterday on The View, the Reverend Mike Huckabee, political loser and sanctimonious miscreant, said something totally astounding: that blacks are more deserving of civil rights than gays because they've endured more violence. Seriously. He said that.
Asked by co-host Joy Behar why it would be bad to do away with the traditional "institution" of marriage, whereas it was fine for blacks to want to do away with the traditional "institution" of segregation, Huckabee responded: "But here is the difference. Bull Connor was hosing people down in the streets of Alabama. John Lewis got his skull cracked on the Selma bridge." Nice talk, REVEREND!
Here's why Mike Huckabee is a disgusting, ignorant hatemonger…
Oh that liberal elite media and its terrible sense of humor! Everyone needs to get their heads checked, because Stephen Baldwin was simply making a hilarious joke when he said he would leave the country if Barack Obama became president. According to our least favorite Baldwin brother, "The liberal Democrats who didn't get that I was joking need to lighten up." Here's a thought, Steve-O: Perhaps everyone knew you were joking but, deep down, secretly hoped that you were serious and would pack your bags after Nov. 4.
The Jesus Freak (minus the Jesus) also takes issue with — surprise! — gay marriage: "If they legalize gay marriage in all 50 states in my lifetime, I'll get a Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on my butt to go with the Hannah Montana one." Even more of a reason to help out the gays.
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Try "until she watched him announcing his resignation." Says Dupre, still trying to milk some popularity out of this whole ordeal six months after it happened:
'I mean, ask a lot of 22 year olds,' she said. 'I was wrapped up in my family, my music. I knew the name, but the face … I'm not really a TV person,' she told People.
CLASSY LADY • "Mary Delgado, The Bachelor season six winner, was arrested and charged with public intoxication, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct in Del Rio, Texas, on Saturday night. … Delgado was asked to leave Lorina's Cantina, but refused, saying it was her 'constitutional right' to remain at the bar as long she wanted. Law enforcement was called to the scene and she was taken into custody."
Tim Robbins' self-righteousness is quickly becoming the only reason I'd ever vote Republican. You know, just to piss him off.
This Huffington Post rant is naturally in regards to Tim Robbins having his constitutional right to vote taken away from him…because he showed up at the wrong polling place and made such a scene that the police where called. Of course he could apologize and admit a mistake, but nope. Shawshank Redemption here is going to dig himself in a little deeper.
FAMOUS BILLIONAIRES HAVE PROBLEMS, TOO • "Billionaire Internet entrepreneur and onetime Dancing With The Stars contestant Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading. The Securities Exchange Commission alleges that in June 2004, Mamma.com Inc. invited Cuban to participate in a confidential stock offering after he agreed to keep the information private. Less than four hours later, he learned the company was planning to raise money through a public offering and that the stock price was about to fall. To avoid losses in excess of $750,000, he allegedly instructed his broker to to sell all of his Mamma.com stock."
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Jay Newman, the pastor of St Mary Catholic Church in Greenville, SC, is asking parishioners who voted for Barack Obama to not present themselves for Communion until they've gone to confession and asked for forgiveness for cooperating with "intrinsic evil," "lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."
After the jump, this rotten, corrupted bastard Newman's letter of explanation:
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Kanye West needs to get his diaper changed or something, because this is the second day in a row that the rapper has indulged in one of his infamous rants. This time, he's back with his I'm The Greatest theme.
I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade, I will be the loudest voice. It's me settling into that position of just really accepting that it's one thing to say you want to do it, and it's another thing to really end up being like Michael Jordan.
There were people who had the potential to do it but they went on vacation, so when Justin [Timberlake] went on vacation I made albums. And it just came out to be that.
Yes, Kanye. It's a good thing Justin Timberlake stepped out of the spotlight so you could sneak in. If that former boy bander wouldn't have taken a vacation, there was no hope for anyone. Just look at that threatening face.
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Sarah Palin was on The Today Show yesterday with secretly-roasted Matt Lauer to discuss how annoying it was that Katie Couric asked her about what newspapers she read in Alaska:
To me that was a little bit annoying. Because I'm like, what do you mean, what do I read in Alaska? I read the same things that you guys read in New York. And there in LA and in Washington state. What do you mean what I read up there? But anyway, just– just some annoyance, that certainly I'm sure showed through. And, you know, perhaps that annoyance that showed through would have led some to be annoyed with me watching the interview.
Except, erm, hate to stop ya there Sarah, but we have this thing called YouTube now, and you can see for yourself that's not the question the Couric asked you.
A Republican congressman from Georgia said Monday he fears that President-elect Obama will establish a Gestapo-like security force to impose a Marxist or fascist dictatorship.
…
Broun cited a July speech by Obama that has circulated on the Internet in which the then-Democratic presidential candidate called for a civilian force to take some of the national security burden off the military.
…
"We can't be lulled into complacency," Broun said. "You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I'm not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I'm saying is there is the potential."
Christina Aguilera, on comments that she steals her style cues from Lady Gaga:
You know, that’s funny that you mention that. This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect.
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The persecution of "witches" throughout the African continent continues.
Far worse than Thomas Muthee, Sarah Palin's spiritual adviser who famously ran an old lady from his village in Kenya after deeming her evil, is the story of the "child-witches" of Nigeria. Convinced by insane, stupid, greedy clerics that their children are being possessed wholesale by demons, Nigerian parents have taken to abandoning boys and girls as young as five after torturing them for their sins. The innocents who have survived their attacks now clog the West African nation's refuges.
If there's one question we ask ourselves daily it's, "What does Rumer Willis want to do with her life?" Everyone is desperate to know the hopes and dreams of the spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Thankfully, she's talking about it:
I would love to be the killer in something or be crazy. … I remember watching Air Bud one year … and it was the last five minutes of the movies, and they're playing in the big game, and they're losing, and I'm all like, 'Dude, this sucks. I know he's gonna win.' I want to see the bad guy win. I want to upset people.
Ah, yes. We knew it was only a matter of time before the woman who starred in such cinematic masterpieces such as The House Bunny and Striptease and played "Smoking Girl" in Whore would take the next step in her career and play a psycho killer.
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