Here, in 136 words, is all that's wrong with America:
Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether. According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes. School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day. So the district decided to call off school the Friday before the game. And Clarke County is not alone; the schools in nearby Madison and Oglethorpe counties also are taking the day off.
In case you're still of the belief that Soulja Boy is nothing more than a young, benign rapscallion trying to find his way in a tricky world, once again, let us assure you: Soulja Boy is a pox on not just the music community, but also the black community.
Don't take our word for it, let the young embarrassment himself convince you:
Gwyneth Paltrow's newest project, GOOP, sounded terrible from the beginning; however, our fearless leader, David Hauslaib, valiantly signed up for the advice-dispensing newsletter. The verdict: "It's insufferable."
This month's inspiration is devoted to natural ways to improve your life, like sleeping. "Sleep eight hours or more each night," the newsletter advises. "Do what you have to do to get to sleep; there are plenty of natural agents that work." Yes, because the reason most Americans aren't sleeping is because they have bad cases of insomnia. It has nothing to do with the fact that everyone is too darn busy to catch eight full hours of sleep. Thanks, Gwyn!
Click here for the full GOOP October newsletter and prepare to be enlightened.
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Ooooooh BURN! Sarah Palin, the gun-toting ice bride who as of late has been calling Barack Obama "Barack the Wealth Spreader," seems to have forgotten that the policies of the Ice Planet Hoth, over which she governs, are rife with the very same socialistic practices she claims to hate soooooo much.
This from elitist Kuran The New Yorker:
The state that she governs has no income or sales tax. Instead, it imposes huge levies on the oil companies that lease its oil fields. The proceeds finance the government’s activities and enable it to issue a four-figure annual check to every man, woman, and child in the state. One of the reasons Palin has been a popular governor is that she added an extra twelve hundred dollars to this year’s check, bringing the per-person total to $3,269. A few weeks before she was nominated for Vice-President, she told a visiting journalist—Philip Gourevitch, of this magazine—that “we’re set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs.”
SHARE THE WEALTH???!!!! NEVER, YOU COMMIE PIG WOMAN!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE PALIN'S IN THE TANK FOR OBAMA AND HIS COMMUNIST MUSLIN ANGRY BLACK CHRISTIAN BROTHERS??!!
MAN SHOOTS TEEN FOR VANDALIZING MCCAIN SIGN "Angered that two neighborhood teenagers knocked over a John McCain sign on his lawn, an Ohio man allegedly grabbed a rifle and fired three times at the duo as they sought to drive away from his Warren Township home. Kenneth Rowles, 50, was charged with felonious assault in connection with the Saturday afternoon incident, which resulted in one boy suffering a minor bullet wound."
Well aware that things aren't going well for their guy, Sarah Palin and a bunch of angry Iowa Republicans got together in Des Moines yesterday to whine about Barack Obama. While the vice-presidential nominee went on a crazy cat lady rant about how Obama's policies would make it so that the things a person buys aren't theirs (a lie, by the way), one of her supporter's decided to cut the chit chat and get right to the heart of the matter: "he's a nigger!"
Palin says nothing of the slur, a move that's cowardly at best and a tacit agreement at worst.
Video after the jump.
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Elisabeth Hasselbeck was invited to introduce Sarah Palin at Florida rallies over the weekend, presumably because the McCain camp knows Lissy is the best attack dog available who still believes the nonsense the right wing has been spewing. This time around she defended Palin's wardrobe, saying it doesn't matter how much money she spends as long as she wears that tiny flag pin, the sign of a good president or vice president. This was an obvious dig at Barack Obama, who is clearly a terrorist who wants to blow up America because he chose not to wear the flag pin. Genius, this lady. The most laughable aspect of this is Elisabeth's hypocrisy, claiming that Democrats refuse to focus on the REAL ISSUES when day after day she sits on The View and spews that Bill Ayers/terrorist agenda.
Luckily, not everyone is buying this foolishness: Alaska's top newspaper, the Anchorage Daily News, has officially endorsed Obama, calling the state's governor "too risky": "Gov. Palin's nomination clearly alters the landscape for Alaskans as we survey this race for the presidency — but it does not overwhelm all other judgment. The election, after all is said and done, is not about Sarah Palin, and our sober view is that her running mate, Sen. John McCain, is the wrong choice for president at this critical time for our nation." Elisabeth, care to offer a rebuttal?
Caught Gucci-handed by America's spiteful, Jewish, gotcha media, Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is struggling to do damage control at rallies across the United States.
Fingered by Politico last week as a hypocrite who hates elite people but loves elite clothing constructed by European homosexuals, Palin showed up to events in North Carolina and Florida yesterday in an outfit quite different from the finery she had worn to previous campaign stops. In frumpy mom jeans and earrings her mother-in-law made, Palin insisted that the $150,000 worth of designer clothing she received from the RNC is one big non-issue: "This whole thing with the wardrobe, I try to just ignore it because it's so ridiculous … Those clothes, they are not my property, just like the lighting and the staging and everything else the RNC purchased."
Hahaha. She's comparing $50,000 shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus to "staging" expenses! What an amazing lady who's really out to fight for the little guy and not lie like the rest of the jerks in Washington.
Fancy or not, we hope Palin's got a warm jacket for the trip home November 5.
Hulk Hogan, on son Nick's stint in prison and how it turned him into the second coming of Xenu:
He was on a roll. He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything. He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what's important in life. He knows what's real, and what's not real.
And before he went in there, he was accountable, and he was responsible. And I think that's what he found out in jail, the most important thing. He understands what is real life. You know, it's about helping people, being positive, moving forward.
That last paragraph doesn't even make sense. Nice try, Hulk.
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Whoa, who knew John McCain had a brother? Has Joe McCain been hiding this entire time because he is volatile and cantankerous? Just like his brother?
One last question: Isn't this sort of exactly the plot of the Chris Farly/David Spade vehicle Black Sheep?
Sarah Palin, bless her heart. In all honesty, she seems like a friendly lady who means well and just loves her children — but that's the problem. She has no business sitting up in the White House, assisting the Commander in Chief. If you have any last doubts about that, listen as Sarah explains the duties of the job to which she is applying: She has no idea what they are! The Vice President is not in charge of the Senate and can't "get in there" to make policy changes as she sees fit. Read up on this stuff, Sarah. It may come in useful — but Xenu willing, it won't.
Could Lucifer play a role in this presidential election? It may sound crazy, but one of the candidates in this race has publicly praised, even emulated, a writer-activist who himself paid tribute to Lucifer. That’s right, Lucifer, also known as the Devil, Satan, Beelzebub—you get the idea.
-Total moron James Pinkerton, writing on the Fox News Forum. Guess which candidate Pinkerton says has a close personal relationship with Satan's BFF?
Dean McDermott, the father of three who is currently in Tori Spelling's clutches, has something to say to the people who cleverly compare him to deadbeat and professional hanger-on Kevin Federline: "I take that as a compliment." No, seriously, he said that with a straight face.
Someone said when I first stared dating [Tori], I was K- Fed junior, they meant it as an insult. They thought I was after Tori for money and stuff. They thought that K-Fed was after Brit for money and stuff lalalala … and you know what? I said, ‘I take that as a compliment.’ I take that as a compliment, because every time I see K-Fed he is always with the kids. He seems like a really good dad, so it’s like, ‘Thanks for the compliment.’
Bwa! He seems like a really good dad? Really? Are we comparing him to Crazy Britney circa 2007 or perhaps a drugged-out hobo on the street? Are we grading on a curve? We desperately need to know, because no sane person would take being compared to K-Fed as a compliment. Something's not right with poor Dean.
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Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "Don't look inside my butt crack cause I haven't wiped it in a while." — Johnny, The Island
America's favorite nightmares, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, paraded around LA Wednesday to scare people into voting for Barack Obama.
Spencer wore the glorious shirt you see at left while Heidi sported a tiny tank top that read, "Read My Lipstick: Vote McCain-Palin." Read my lipstick: No.
Props were also involved: A shotgun, a bottle of beer and a copy of You Can Profit From a Monetary Crisis. Somehow, we imagine this is not helping.
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Heather Mill's, the one-legged ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, spent most of this spring fighting in a bitter divorce settlement that left her way richer than she was before she met the Beatle. The former porn star was awarded $48.6 million, an insane amount but still only a fraction of what Mucca originally asked for ($250 million).
You guys remember this right? She poured a cup of water on her husband's attorney's head after it was all over? Super fun!
So what has Heather Mills been doing with all her cash? Keeping a low profile so to not attract any more press? Saving her money for a rainy day?
Haha, what, why would you ever think that:
NEW INSANE GOP ROBOCALL QUESTIONS OBAMA'S 'RADICALISM' "The Republican National Committee is sending out another round of automated anti-Obama calls that, somewhat remarkably, include segments from a controversial program that recently aired on Fox News. In text messages sent to voters, the RNC instructs recipients to call a number to 'know the facts' … Once dialed in, callers are read the standard text of the robocalls tying Obama to former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers. Then participants get a dose of the fair and balanced. The recording that viewers hear next is the final section of the 'Obama & Friends: The History of Radicalism' special program that ran recently on Fox News. That show, quite famously, featured Sean Hannity interviewing Andy Martin, an 'Internet journalist' who once called a judge a 'crooked, slimy Jew' and advanced the conspiracy theory that '[w]e have not seen a valid Obama birth certificate.'"
The View was awesome yet again this morning, thanks partly to Elisabeth waking up on the wrong side of the bed and also because of Whoopi's absence. Poor Barbara Walters had to mediate between Joy and Elisabeth, which was ineffective and led to one of the more intense shouting matches we've seen as of late.
The tension begins around the 4:00 mark, where Joy attempts to explain why Sarah Palin's likability has plummeted, which — of course! — Elisabeth takes personally and uses as an excuse to announce her respect for George W. Bush. Yeah, seriously. She believes W is the reason America has stayed safe from terrorism for the past seven years, but implies that the country will be blown to smithereens under an Obama presidency. Even Barbara takes issue with this, which leads to an even more glorious moment of Elisabeth getting snippy with her boss.
The segment ends — after much screeching — with Elisabeth offering Joy more "Obama kool-aid," because she's that mature. The only person who escaped this argument unscathed? Sherri Shepherd. What a strange, strange world this has become.
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