Beach blanket belligerence!

A group of paparazzi and the Malibu surfers who attacked them last weekend – to protect the privacy of Matthew McConaughey, say the surfers – have taken to Web site comment boards to taunt and threaten one another with promises of future attacks. What began as just standard American race-bating has become promises of a photographer vs surfer beach rumble, set to go down this Saturday. Unfortunately, we don't think there's enough time between then and now to come up with a way to knock Southern California into the briny depths, so, if you're in the area, go and watch these idiots smash each other's hollow heads like so many tan jack-o'-lanterns. And take pictures!

After the jump, some of the really witty verbal jabs.

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Because he's an imbecile and increasingly insignificant and a drug addict (in that order), Rush Limbaugh needs to say outlandish, off-color nonsense if he is to remain even in the extreme periphery of the public eye. This is a fact of which Limbaugh is quite aware, which is why he's using photographic evidence of an uncontacted Amazonian tribe to remind everyone he's a bigot.

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The Real World: Hollywood premiered last night, and it's safe to say every single one of the houseguests are tools.

From left: Greg aka PretyBoy, who was voted into the house by the idiotic Internet community and refers to women as "associates"; Dave, the dumb jock who will get in every girls' pants; Kimberly, the Jessica Simpson wannabe; Brianna, the former stripper who has a warrant out for her arrest for beating up her ex-boyfriend; Joey (hiding in the back), the hot-headed guy who works out obsessively; Sarah, the girl with a boyfriend who kissed someone else on the first episode; and Will, the one who started to prove us wrong until he decided he couldn't talk to Brianna anymore because she strips and then kissed the girl with a boyfriend.

So who do you think was the biggest tool of the night?

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Adnan Ghalib and Kathy Griffin went shopping at Victoria's Secret on Rodeo Drive yesterday. If you can't tell it's a set-up, then you are beyond hope.

And Kathy: Really? We knew you were desperate, but this is just depressing.

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Brandon Davis, the guy who's famous for looking greasy and calling Lindsay Lohan a firecrotch, showed off more of that winning personality last night in LA. Click through and watch with pride as he calls one pap the N-word and another the F-word. Is it any wonder he and his equally disgusting brother are famous among Hollywood circles?

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I can handle [the spotlight] better now, and I'm wiser. At my age, you give up your thighs but you gain wisdom.

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BOYS WILL BE BOYS "A violent fight broke out at a Hollywood hotspot last night — one guy was stabbed in the stomach and he's in critical condition. It all went down at the nightclub Mood. Cops tell us the victim was stabbed inside the club and then made his way outside and collapsed in front of Geisha House. … We're told the fight started when two men fought over a girl, and ended with one stabbing the other. Eight people have been taken in to the cop shop for questioning."

How 'bout a big Bronx cheer for Kim Kardashian, whose famous ass is not, as many believe, full of silicone, but deceit!

Although Kardashian claims to have been burgled of over $50,000 worth of goods at JFK, the Armenian star of both hard and soft pornography has not notified any authoritative bodies with jurisdiction over the airport, including Port Authority police and the NYPD. And the Queens district attorney "has [no] report of a theft."

Officials suspect the whole thing is a sham for publicity. That is different from "this is officially a sham for publicity," but not by much. Go back to LA, liar!

As one might be able to ascertain from this video, stupid person Bill O'Reilly now sends out cameramen to hound Rosie O'Donnell at her book signings and demand answers to questions she claims are not based in fact. Once his toadies have obtained the footage, O'Reilly bravely sits in his studio and discusses "Rosie's Rage." Well played, William.

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Because we're running out of things to throw every time she flippantly calls someone a "faggot" or belittles entire groups of people, we here at the Jossip Initiatives offices have begun searching for new ways to put up with Ann Coulter. Here's the best one yet:

Is Ann Coulter an Anti-Semite? Possibly, but first and foremost, she’s an opportunist. Which is to say, she’s also, at least to a certain degree, a capitalist. So rather than indulging her by buying what she’s selling (in this case, intentionally incendiary remarks about religion) put yourself in her pointy, high heeled shoes for a moment and reconsider this from an economic standpoint. What we have here is a glorified case of supply and demand—so long as Coulter’s critics keep chomping at the bit for a chance to tear her down in the press, she’ll continue to maintain some semblance of relevancy and, worse still, legitimacy.

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If you thought that Nas Nigga thing was bad, shock your senses with this: Black comedian Katt Williams arriving at the BET Hip Hop Awards with a fucking noose around his neck! And this with two members of the Jena Six also in attendance (because brutalizing racists now gets a person invited to glamorous awards shows!). M-Fer, I want some more irony!

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Amazing that this guy's penis size is the first thing women mention when they profess his attractiveness, huh?

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Click the photo above to watch an interview Tyler Perry and Janet Jackson did in support of their new movie, Why Did I Get Married. While the conversation should have been absolutely boring, one of the brilliant reporters decided to ask Jackson about her "wardrobe malfunction." A timely question considering the incident of which he speaks only happened about four years ago. As one would expect, he gets no response, awkwardness is shared by all and, once Perry and Jackson are dropped from the live feed, the man bravely proclaims he expected some answers. Hard hitting!

A Floridian friend of mine was recently driving a Lamborghini that wasn't his down Ocean Drive and inadvertently turned onto a one way street. Thinking it just a slight mistake, he went to put the car in reverse and turn, and that's when he realized he didn't know how to shift into reverse. Panicked, he started jamming sweaty fingers into the shifting system on the steering wheel – to no avail, of course, because Jeebus frowns on hot-dogging – as camera-wielding tourists descended like vultures and began snapping photos and cackling. He ended up having to call the owner and ask how to reverse (turns out there's a red button under the steering wheel). My response: "That's what you get for being an idiot and driving a goddamn Lamborghini. Who even gets in those things?"

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• "…you really need to see is this clip to reaffirm, as I’ve said all along, that this is the best show on television." [BWE]

• I'm certain this woman is so very, very miserable to be around for even six seconds. [DListed]

• Lovely baby humps (bumps? lumps? rumps?). [INO]

• Why the gun eye? [ICYDK]

• Joaquin Phoenix with luggage that belies his hippie name. [PS]

• So, no real selling points left that aren't appendages, then? [HT]

• Sounds like she gave up the fight fairly easily. [Yeeeah]

• Amy Sedaris cooks with bong water! Food Network: Trillion dollar idea! [CityRag]

Model and Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli, speaking about fleeing Israel's female conscription:

"I don't regret not having been drafted . . .because I made out big," she told an Israeli paper. "Why is it good to die for one's country? Isn't it better to live in New York?"

Unfortunately, Bar, quite a few people from this country actually died in New York not too long ago, so it wasn't better for them. And now, a whole lot of pageantry stemming from that New York incident has resulted in many other people dying abroad for this country. But, y'know, just keep being a stupid model.

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Just in time for Dannielynn Birkhead's first birthday, further evidence surfaces suggesting that her father, Larry Birkhead, might not always have her best interests in mind. To be sure, deciding to impregnate a self-destructive, zonked-out husk like Anna Nicole Smith like he did proves that he didn't have the baby's best interests in mind from her genesis, but new testimony from his former bodyguard claims it's worse than you think:

"Larry and I went to Nassau for over a week in January of this year. One day he said he wanted to go to Daniel's grave, ostensibly to pay tribute to him on his birthday. But it turned out he had another idea. He said, 'We're going to meet two guys from Splash [Photo Agency].'

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money."

After three takes, that should have been the third sign, guy.

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