Miracles do happen, especially for the rich and famous!

Dancer, actor and terminal cancer patient Patrick Swayze has been tapped by a team of British surgeons to undergo a possibly life-saving procedure. Although Swayze is currently smoking away his final days here in the States, the doctors of the Royal Free Hospital in London think he's a great candidate for a radical new medical technique that involves reworking a patient's veins. Performed for the first time in December, the surgery is expected to save hundreds of lives per year.

Why Swayze wasn't offered this treatment by his American doctors we don't know. We thought medical professionals toiling under socialized regimes like that of the UK were working with rusty spoons and a textbook.

He's! Going! To! Die! You muckraking knobs! Stay out of his last moments on earth and let him puff in peace.

British actress Samantha Morton has revealed that two years ago she suffered a stroke so serious she needed to relearn to walk. Until now, the Oscar-nominated Morton had kept this incident hidden from the press, thereby making even bigger fools and liars out of everyone in Hollywood who swears they can't buy sneakers without cameras up their nostrils.

Dirty Dancing star Patrick Swayze has five weeks to live, according to a shocking new report…

The actor, 55, was reportedly diagnosed in late January with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs.

For the past month, the actor and dancer has been traveling to Stanford University’s prestigious cancer center in Palo Alto for radical chemotherapy, but his doctors are no longer optimistic that the treatments will be successful…

Bear in mind that this news comes from the National Enquirer, which has been wrong many times before.

CYST OFF "Naomi Campbell was hospitalized in Sao Paulo for the removal of a small cyst, her publicist said Tuesday…Campbell underwent successful emergency abdominal surgery, gynecologist Jose Aristodemo Pinotti told the Agencia Estado news service. 'I cannot reveal what Naomi had, nor how serious her condition was, but I can say I operated on her yesterday and that she is completely cured,' Pinotti said."

A bartender serving drinks at punker Ashton Kutcher's birthday party at Manhattan "hot spot" Socialista on February 7 has tested positive for Hepatitis A. The New York City Health Department says all guests in attendance could have contracted the virus and should be properly vaccinated. Besides Kutcher and his wife, Demi Moore, at risk are Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Salma Hayek and Bruce Willis.

Hepatitis A is borne mostly through food or drinks contaminated with the feces of an infected person. Lucky for Madonna, Kutcher and Moore, their constant intake of Kabbalah bullshit ensures they have a high tolerance for this sort of thing. The others should seek treatment immediately.

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Bottom-rung tabloid OK! is learning the hard way that people get upset if you run fake cover stories about their "cancer scare."

TV doctor Eric Dane says he was "mortified" when he saw that OK!'s February 18 cover story intimated he had cancer. The actor is even thinking of filing a lawsuit, says Us Weekly, basking in the fallout of their competitor's destruction.

To be sure, Dane did have some malignant cells burned off his lips with liquid nitrogen, but that just means he's gross, not terminal.

ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE From Page Six's "Sightings" section: "Two dozen wounded soldiers from Iraq, on leave from the Walter Reed military hospital in DC, at the Hustler Club, showing their appreciation to the saintly strippers by branding them with Marine Corps stickers on their breasts and derrières."

Britney Spears' enabler and famed grave-pisser Sam Lutfi has admitted to Us magazine that, on the night of her most recent committal, he fed the pop star a "handfull of pills."

"I said these pills are working wonders, they are miracle pills," he recalls. Spears, Lutfi says, agreed that the meds were helping her sleep.

Handfulls of pills don't help you sleep; handfulls of pills help you pass out.

FATAL COCKTAIL "'Mr. Heath Ledger died as the result of acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,' medical examiner's spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said in a news release." The ME found five different kinds of prescription drugs in Ledger's system.

GRAVE MISTAKE "More than four years after his death, John Ritter's relatives are taking their $67 million lawsuit to trial Tuesday, claiming the actor would have survived if two doctors had recognized his heart abnormality and not treated it as a heart attack. The procedure for treating a heart attack is the 'exact opposite' of what a patient with Ritter's condition would have undergone, according to legal papers filed by lawyers for the plaintiffs."

TOTALLY COMMITTED "…expect that sometime tonight, papers will be signed at UCLA extending Britney Spears' stay at the psych ward — by 14 days. It's an internal process — done without a court order. But we're told it will indeed happen, and that's not surprising given her mental health."

TAILSPIN "Sources at UCLA Medical Center tell TMZ Britney Spears has been classified as 'G.D.' — Gravely Disabled. That is a huge and dangerous deal. That means the patient is unable to take care of basic needs, such as the acquisition of food, clothing or shelter. Being G.D. is one of the criteria for involuntary commitment…Britney accused her mother of sleeping with her boyfriend…[she] screamed, 'The only reason she's admitting me is because she wants to be alone with her boyfriend! She wants to sleep with my boyfriend!!' Britney never said exactly who she was talking about."

• This is the cover of the decade. [YouTube]

• Let the backbiting commence. [DListed]

• She won! Holly Madison won! [EBG]

• LA makes everyone a little depressed, not just these two. [PS]

• Katherine Heigl was voted the world's most desirable woman by a bunch of men who obviously lack vision. [HT]

• Here is Teri Hatcher laughing at a friend on crutches. Enjoy. [INO]

• Justin Chambers from Grey's Anatomy checked himself into the same psych ward holding Britney Spears. Group just got more interesting! [ICYDK]

• Breaking: Celebrities have obsessed fans. [CityRag]

Big news: while you were sleeping, Britney Spears was once again being involuntarily hospitalized as a danger to herself and others. Nobody left her alone like castrato harbinger Chris Crocker warned, and finally it all got to be too much.

The situation unfolded thusly: Following some weird interaction they had over the phone, Britney's mother started the evening worried that her daughter might try to kill herself. Britney did not try to kill herself, but if she did nobody could really blame her, which is perhaps why her psychiatrist made a house call later that night. Lacking confidence in her abilities, the psychiatrist called the police and told them Britney's "downhill behavior" and reckless driving made her fear for the pop star's safety and the safety of those around her. An absurdly large fleet of police escorts and ambulances fueled with taxpayers' money were dispatched to haul a calm Britney – codenamed "The Package" – to the UCLA Medical Center's psych wing, where she will remain for an undetermined amount of time.

Crazy, huh?

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IN SICKNESS AND IN HELL The cadre of hyenas and pimps at TMZ is reporting that Britney Spears has started to undergo treatment for her litany of mental illnesses, the most dangerous being bipolar disorder. It's a major step for the starlet and it was not easily made: "Britney has seen doctors who have been referred by other doctors, plus doctors who have been referred by celebrities Britney knows, and doctors referred by her lawyers, family and friends. We're told the process has been excruciating for her, partly because her disease is severe." Of course, TMZ isn't about to let that "excruciating" pain get in the way of its cameras, which are currently broadcasting live from Spears' front door. Let the healing begin!

BAD MEDICINE "Did Dr. Phil practice psychology without a license? That's the basis of a new complaint filed against the television personality, who has already faced an onslaught of criticism since visiting Britney Spears at Los Angeles' Cedars-Sinai Medical Center…McGraw is also accused of violating the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. The complaint alleges Dr. Phil practiced clinical psychology without a license and further violated doctor-patient privilege by discussing the pop star's case with the media."

The completely comparable WASP Gwyneth Paltrow has been hospitalized, Us reports! Her condition and symptoms remain uncertain, but an eyewitness reported seeing her "slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin."

New York magazine presumes her illness is a consequence of her restrictive diet, a leafy mix of raw and organic salads and juices. Organic Avenue, the purveyor of the healthier-than-thou goods seen being taken to Paltrow's hospital room, thinks that is poppycock: "Oh, no…There's actually quite a bit of food there, it's just all raw and organic." Mmmmm, anemia.

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