So let's talk about Britney: For the Record, shall we? We'll admit that we were counting the hours until it debuted last night on MTV (no life alert!), and it did not disappoint. The entire hour and 10 minutes was captivating, but not in a good way — poor Brit tugged at our heartstrings during most of the show, especially when she broke down in tears and later when she explained her former crazy ways:

I just remember I did not want to be at home because, like, my babies represented home. That was my home, with them. And every time I went home, it was like, 'Oh God, I can't be here.' So when I was in my car and when I was driving I was going somewhere.

Other highlights from the documentary included her father, Jamie Spears, singing "Womanizer," a frightening paparazzi scene in NYC and a guest appearance by Madonna, who spouted some Kabbalah nonsense about how a healthy response is to ask what you were thinking. Yeah, we don't get it either.

When all is said and done, it's quite obvious that Britney is not happy with the current state of her life and feels that nobody is listening to her. MTV tried to tie it up with a pretty little ribbon at the end with a quote from a friend about how Brit's desire to perform is back, but we still walked away feeling incredibly disturbed. See what you've done, America?

An LA judge decided yesterday that Britney Spears' father, Jamie, is to have long-term control of his daughter's assets, estates and business affairs. Britney will not be able to regain hold of her fortune until a team of experts, who are currently continuously monitoring the pop star, deem her mentally stable enough for the responsibility.

On December 2, Britney Spears, mother of two, will turn 27 years old.

All those rumors about Lynne Spears' parenting book, Through the Storm, detailing Britney's sex life and drug use turned out to be false. Obviously. Lynne knows not to bite the hand that feeds her. But Britney, in a rare moment of wisdom, has still cut off contact with her mother:

While the book doesn't dish on Britney's sex life or drug use, it blames all of Britney's problems on her daughter's former managers. Spears — who already considered her mother a siphon on her purse — is 'upset' about the book, spies said, especially when she feels Lynne herself caused so many of her problems and issues.

We'd have to agree with Brit on this one; while we'd normally get onto her for not accepting part of the blame, it's not really a 14-year-old girl's responsibility to make sure her mother isn't whoring her out. And we applaud her for recognizing that Lynne is still doing just that.

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A year after Britney Spears' infamous OK! magazine interview that wasn't, the singer returned to show off her newly acquired basic social skills. Among the self-aware realizations include her desire to keep her kids out of Hollywood: "I'd just as soon they have a more normal childhood," Brit says, scoring points for mothering skills and the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Her father, Jamie, also spoke to the mag, presumably because that's the only way he got a piece of the paycheck:

Kevin [Federline] is all for everything. He wants her to have 50/50 custody. He wants them to raise these kids together. Kevin’s heart is right.

[My relationship with Britney] is new for both of us. She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot.

Alright Jamie, we'll give you a pass for the Kevin comment because we, too, reached a point where K-Fed seemed like Father of the Year. But you should probably stop talking to the media and get back to work — Brit still has a long way to go.

JAMIE'S STICKING AROUND "Britney Spears will be under the conservatorship of her father Jamie until December 31, it was decided in court Thursday. 'Ms. Spears is reluctantly agreeing to extend the temporary [conservatorship],' L.A. Superior Court Commissioner Reva Goetz said after the hearing."

All has been quiet on the Britney front when it comes to her emotional recovery, which means it's time for people to start making up stuff. The latest rumor claims Brit suffered a mental breakdown after witnessing sister Jamie Lynn give birth.

After flying back to LA with her father Jamie, Britney spent the following days slowly breaking down and becoming "dazed and distant." Jamie finally found her one night naked on the bathroom floor, "crying hysterically and mumbling to herself about wanting a baby girl." A "source," who was obviously not there at the time, has all of the details of this incident:

Seeing her little sister give birth was too much for Britney. It made her realize what a mess she’s in. She’s insanely jealous of Jamie Lynn having a girl because she’s always been desperate for a daughter. Jamie found her sobbing her heart out and repeating: 'It’s not fair, Dad, it's not fair.'

If this is indeed true (and we highly doubt it is), then no wonder Jamie Lynn's hair was so gray for her OK! shoot.

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Mel Gibson isn't the only person interested in Britney Spears' love life as of late: TMZ has been keeping tabs on the pop star and her secret rendezvous with a mystery man. Sadly, that mystery man is all too recognizable — it's Adnan Ghalib, former paparazzo and Spears hanger-on.

TMZ's "sources" have reported that over the last few months Adnan has been entering the gated community where Brit and father Jamie live, but no one can say exactly what's going on. But we can! Adnan missed the spotlight, Britney missed her enabler, and it was time for a special reunion. And yes, there are text messages involved.

We know they have been texting back and forth, at times complaining that Daddy Jamie is too 'controlling' by trying to put the kibosh on the relationship.

But here's the deal. Daddy Jamie's job is to be controlling — that's what a conservator does. And, sources tell us, Jamie's concern over his daughter seeing Adnan is not just his opinion — the doctors who are treating Brit have told him it would be a bad thing for Brit to hook up with the dude.

Well, duh. If any doctor in America were to recommend that Britney associate with Adnan, someone needs to look into revoking that medical license.

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No, it's not Halloween: Amy Winehouse's beautiful face greeted a young girl who stopped by in search of an autograph. Despite the obvious concern for this little girl, we are also troubled that the man in the picture is identified as her father, Mitch. Hey, Mitch, you think you might get around to controlling your disaster of a daughter?

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• On last night's Denise Richards: It's Complicated, our heroine got into an argument with a reporter and proved why she should be America's Sweetheart. Think of the children! [DListed]

• Barack Obama's resignation from Trinity Church: Your thoughts. [SH]

• Seth Rogen may or may not have smoked weed onstage at the MTV Movie Awards. Of course he did. [Us]

• Britney Spears pulled out of a deal to promote a line of imported furniture because Jamie was afraid Brit was just being used for publicity. Which … is kind of the point, no? [PS]

• The obviously sober Amy Winehouse on her husband, Blake Incarcerated: “He’s gorgeous as f–k. Haven’t you seen him before?” [ICYDK]

We'll be the first to admit that Britney Spears has shown great strides in progress since her father kicked Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib out of her life, but would it kill Jamie to hire a full-time stylist for his daughter? It's hard not to feel the urge to shower after looking at pictures of her. Also, someone needs to tell Brit that sucking in her cheeks does not make her look any skinnier or saner.

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Jamie Spears has been forced to quit his catering job so he can continue to save Britney from herself, because taking care of the crazy is indeed a full-time job. Daddy Spears is now being paid $10,000 in back pay and a $2,500 weekly salary. Some might say it's out of line to pay someone for being a father; we say give him whatever he wants — there's not enough money in the world to make us deal with the antics that are sure to be happening in the Spears household.

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GOOD INFLUENCES "Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are currently en route to Costa Rica on vacation together. … We spotted them leaving on a private plane to the Central American state early this morning. Sources tell us that Mel is taking Britney and her father Jamie for a mini-vacation."

Guess what? Amy Winehouse was arrested. Take a minute and let your shock subside. Perhaps you should have a seat.

The troubled singer was taken into custody in London on suspicion of assault after voluntarily going to a police station for questioning. The incident of interest took place after a late night out, when Amy reportedly headbutted a guy who was trying to help her hail a cab outside a bar. And just in case we didn't get the "I'm crazy" memo, she went on to punch a different man in the face.

Um, where are her parents? They can no longer use the excuse that Amy is an adult and they have no control over her health — Jamie Spears squashed that theory months ago.

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Sure, Britney Spears seems to be getting her life back on track. But would it kill Jamie to burn that tacky green tank top she's been sporting every day as of late? We're convinced she wears that more than those awful cowboy boots.

Also of note: She's wearing a bra! Hooray!

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Does anyone remember Larry Rudolph? He is the manager responsible for the Britney Spears America fell in love with, and he also played a role in her 2007 trip to rehab. Brit, of course, shunned him — twice — because why trust a guy you've known for years when Sam Lutfi is around, alerting the paparazzi to your every move and pissing on your mother's grave?

Here's the good news: Jamie Spears has convinced Larry to give Brit another chance and take her under his wing. We're not sure what Larry's asking price was, but we'll even pitch in a few bucks if he can turn the former Mrs. Federline back into America's favorite Catholic schoolgirl. Because let's face it: Nobody really cares if Britney's mentally stable so long as she gets back to being the picture-perfect pop star of yesteryear.

Here's hoping the third time's a charm.

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A top photo agency head is claiming the paparazzi's relationship with Britney Spears is weakening. "Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen [photographers] covering Britney," according to BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. "Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus." Elterman says the reason is because these Britney regulars want something "new and fresh," which sounds a lot creepier considering Miley's underage.

Seems the paps aren't interested in normalcy, and instead are preparing for the next breakdown waiting to happen. So when Jamie Spears said he was going to get all the bad influences out of Brit's life, he meant it.

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Jamie Spears is just like us: He doesn't want to see a picture of Britney's vajayjay ever again. And to make sure the world doesn't suffer the same fate, he has taken drastic measures:

A source said: 'Jamie makes sure to ask Britney if she has underwear on before she goes out.' The singer’s assistant, Brett, also reportedly reminds the pop wreck to wear underwear and a bra.

The source added: 'Britney tries to ignore their requests, but her dad is adamant and insists she change if she’s falling out of her top.'

So Jamie has left his job behind to be in charge of making sure his 26-year-old daughter is wearing underwear. We're not sure whether to be creeped out or thankful.

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Steve-O, one of the Jackass crazies, has reportedly been placed on suicide watch at a mental health center after threatening to take his own life.

He was taken to the emergency room on Sunday afternoon. After drug tests, he was checked into the Thalians Mental Health Center — known for doing crisis intervention — where he was put on a 72-hour hold. That has since been extended to 14 days.

'Steve is stabilized on meds at this point,' the source told Star. 'He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body.'

The situation escalated over the weekend when Steve-O, 33, e-mailed suicide notes to several friends, blaming a broken romance. … But he caused a major scene in the hospital, says one insider.

'Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one.'

A family member revealed that Steve-O suffers from bipolar disorder and is currently "in his extreme mania."

Sounds like Steve needs some Jamie Spears in his life.

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