So in case you haven't heard, tonight is the season four premiere of MTV "reality" hit The Hills. Over the last three seasons it's become fairly obvious that there's rarely anything real about the show except for Spencer and Heidi's douchiness, so we've compiled our five favorite fake moments in the history of The Hills. Feel free to add your own if they didn't make the cut.
LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER "Apparently the 44-year-old mother of Audrina from The Hills downed margaritas and flirted with 21-year-old Jason Wahler at a party her daughter also attended. Just in case you were wondering where Audrina got her savoir faire and excellent taste in guys."
In what will truly be the worst hour in the history of television, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are set to appear on Tuesday's episode of The Tyra Banks Show. And, because they don't know how to discuss anything else, the topic of conversation is Lauren Conrad.
Spencer offers to take a lie detector test and claims he is "1,000 percent" positive that a sex tape featuring Lauren and ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler exists. Did we suddenly travel back in time to one year ago? Who cares? Of course, neither Spencer nor Heidi has actually seen the tape, because Spencer claims he "would rather throw up." Oh, please. You know Speidi would be watching that on repeat if, in fact, it did exist. Those two are so obsessed with her it's pathetic.
Heidi agrees, saying the tape was not a rumor: "From what I have heard from confirmed sources … her ex-boyfriend was going around trying to sell it. … I am not sure she has it anymore, but from what I've heard … I am not really allowed to elaborate." And she wonders why Lauren refuses to give her the time of day.
[Source]
All hell broke loose at the Horton Hears A Who! premiere Saturday in LA. The movie's tag line — "After all, a person is a person, no matter how small" — attracted a mob of pro-life protesters. Because if there's anyone who needs to quit with the abortions, it's kids under the age of 10.
Jason Wahler then showed up on the red carpet, presumably as a "pro-choice" argument.
[Source]
Laguna Beach alum Jason Wahler, best known for being Lauren Conrad's loser ex-boyfriend, is also gaining a reputation for being a racist.
First things first: Jason went to rehab last year for his drug and alcohol addictions — and for sharing some of his favorite racist terms with a police officer.
Also good for Jason: After he left rehab, he immediately proposed to his college student girlfriend. This is obviously a new step in the program.
Now comes news that Wahler has been banned from his fiance's apartment building.
The ban is the result of Wahler's use of racial slurs against a security guard on February 10 at Conquest's Tuscany. 'He called him the N word,' a source tells Us [Weekly].
A Conquest rep adds, 'Jason Wahler's racist remarks were uncalled for. He is no longer welcome in the building.'
Jason is saying none of this ever happened. Um, why else would the apartment building ban you? Wait … don't answer that.
[Source]
• Obama's thoughts on the gays and the church and the Democrats and…just a whole lot of prevarication. [Queerty]
• Celebrity non-justice. [DListed]
• Dick in a cell. [EBG]
• More court dates than romantic dates makes Britney a crazy lady. [PS]
• Charity fashions! [INO]
• Dr Kevorkian movie. Killer. [ICYDK]
• Petra Nemcova at a charity event. Graceful. [HT]
• The 17-year-old virgin. [Yeeeah]
• "Benicio Del Toro or Wolf Man?" [CityRag]
Consummate tower of rage, Jason Wahler, is engaged to this Aryan ische!
Wahler's rep confirms to TMZ that Jason proposed last weekend to his USC tennis star girlfriend, Katja Decker-Sadowski. We're told he picked out the four-carat (holla!) emerald cut diamond ring at XVI Karat in Beverly Hills.
Prior to the wedding, it's unlikely Wahler will divorce himself from his racism, homophobia and self-hate, so Katja should expect a full house and a whole lot of bruising.
[Source]
Jason Wahler, the hater (literally) from Orange County—seen here with his ex-gf/Laguna Beach costar LC—has followed the lead of every drunk asshole in Hollywood: He's checked himself into rehab.
"Jason's in rehab, and he's getting help," said the relative, who declined to give her name.
"He's doing well, and he's going to be a new man," she added. "There was a deal made [with prosecutors]."
Wahler, 20, was due to surrender to Los Angeles County jail last week to serve a 60-day sentence for a September 2006 assault case, but a judge delayed that in lieu of rehab.
From: Cord Jefferson
Date: May 10, 2007 5:19 PM
Subject: Re: "…he's going to be a new man."
To: Relative Who Declined to Give Her Name
RWDTGHN,
No he's not.
Best,
Cord
Apologies for the site issues today. We're working (read: on the phone yelling at people) to remedy everything as soon as possible. Thanks for being patient.
The show must go on, of course, and I'm pleased to announce that bedbugsandballyhoo strikes again as winner of Friday's installment of Headline on Your Shoulders:
Cameron Switches Sides After a Night In Paris
It's tough to beat an entry that, in only eight words, hints at lesbianism, famous sex tapes and a wardrobe change. Well done!
Today's HOYS will once again address The Hills' most turbulent waste of skin, Jason Wahler, whom, as Us is reporting, was caught chugging vodka and pointing a revolver at his head. How troubled genius minus the genius!
Headline this!
[Source]
Yesterday's Headline on Your Shoulders got a mite indelicate, didn't it? But I suppose that's to be expected when cups runneth over with both breasts and liquor.
bedbugsandballyhoo wins with this mutedly ribald entry:
Selma Speaks Candidly About Events Leading Up to Her Pregnancy
Cheers, bedbugsandballyhoo!
Let's keep our minds in the gutter for today's HOYS. Headlines today should focus on the story that Hills lame-os LC and Jason Wahler have dodged a bullet and had their sex tape shelved by the company that had purchased it with the intent to distribute because it was hardly hardcore. A TMZ source called the tape "very vanilla." But isn't everything in The Hills?
Gawker ran "Lauren Conrad Sex Tape Deemed Flaccid" for this one. Top that!
[Source]
Today, the New York Times asked, "Is it too late to bring civility to the web?" If Joe Rogan is any indication, yes, it is. But, in the hope that a short-tempered 40-year-old calling a heckler half his age a "cunt of man" isn't a Zeitgeist defining moment, I think we should all continue to do our best to keep the web genteel.
So in an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, today MollyGood will be ushering in a new feature called "Someone Haiku;" because what's more civilized than poetry, motherfuckers?
Each day—using 17 syllables or less—you'll get the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that's washed up on the shores of MollyGood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that's devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.
The best submitted poem will be posted in Someone Haiku the following day, and the winner will certainly glow with satisfaction.
If you don't know how to write a haiku, a very basic tutorial can be found here (five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second, and five in the last).
This first installment of Someone Haiku will focus on Jason Wahler, "star" of The Hills who was recently taken into police custody before calling his arresting officer a "nigger," a "faggot" and a "poor fuck."
Too bad for Jason, but lucky us—nigger, faggot and poor fuck are only two syllables each! Here's a sample to get you started:
Can you hate someone
and also not care 'bout them?
What a poor, poor fuck.
See? Simple enough. Leave your entries in the comments section or e-mail them to me here. As this is the very first Someone Haiku, the author of today's best haiku will receive a MollyGood t-shirt, so that they might share their pastimes with the world while being slightly more stylish.
Good luck 'ku-ing, all.
[Source]
It's been a rough month for Jason Wahler (of Laguna Beach and The Hills "fame") and the fuzz. Just three weeks ago J-Wahl was arrested for a slew of silly things in New York and this weekend he got in a bit of an altercation with a tow truck operator (see, this never would have happened in the old timey car). TMZ reports:
For the second time this month, "Laguna Beach" star Jason Wahler has been arrested. As Perez Hilton first reported, the LAPD arrested Wahler on Friday at 5:30PM for misdemeanor battery and set his bail at $20,000. According to LAPD documents, he was released Saturday afternoon.
According to police, Jason and a female companion, Kristen Deluca, were involved in an altercation with a Department of Transportation officer and a tow truck driver. There was a physical altercation and police were called to the scene. After police arrived on the scene, Wahler and Deluca were both arrested for battery.
The reality show star was busted three weeks ago in New York and charged with one count each of disorderly conduct, possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and bribery. According to the court documents, Wahler was obstructing traffic by standing in the street and creating a public disturbance. Officers then attempted to handcuff the 19-year-old, but he resisted. When they performed a search on him, they allegedly found cocaine in his pants pocket. Wahler then allegedly tried to bribe officers into letting him go.
A quick search on this Kristen Deluca character comes up with this gem of a website (NSFWish, and I'm sure very NSFW if you snoop around). I guess she's got an arrest to add to that resume of hers.
LC never would have let him sink this low.
* I know, I know, I've used these pics before. I just loved this moment so much.
This photo, taken the night of the arrest clearly proves that he was not, in any way, on drugs. Not. At. All.
Tragedy has struck the most gifted of the gifted and talented club of Laguna Beach, Jason Wahler. He who breaks hearts without ever having to speak a full English sentence thanks to the strength stored in his chin strap of facial hair was arrested on September 1 in New York City. E!'s Kristin reports:
From isgoodhere: What's the latest on Laguna Beach? Any scoop?
And how. This one is pretty sad. A rep at the NYPD confirms that Jason Wahler (Lauren's ex, who appeared on Laguna Beach and The Hills) was arrested in New York City on Sept. 1, at 4:34 a.m. He was charged with three counts of bribery, criminal possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. So, if you're wondering how he took that breakup with Lauren, well, you may have your answer.
Watch with Kristin: Television news, gossip and spoilersFrom francesca: That's too bad! I really like Jason. Do you know what he's been up to since The Hills?
Korbi is in tight with the LB peeps, and she tells me that since breaking up with LC, Jason's been living with a couple pf different friends and is now allegedly living on Jordan and Brian's couch. Andy Milonakis still lives with them, too.
I assume Jessica paid his bail.
Wow, that sounds like the most depressing apartment ever. Where reality tv stars go to die. And by die, I mean make fart jokes.
[Source]
Lauren and Jason in happier, more old-timey car times.
Oh, the horror. Us Weekly is reporting exclusively that Lauren Conrad (LC if you're Naughty) and Jason Wahler (or J-Wahl if you want him to actually respond, not the sharpest, that boy) are dunzo. Yes, the dramatic young reality television stars who held on through thick, thin, and the end of the season one of The Hills, couldn't ultimately make it work.
And to think, they seemed to communicate so well. Er, maybe one time Jason uttered a complete sentence…so there's that. Lauren had this to say for herself:
“Yes it is true, Jason and I are no longer together, but out of respect for his privacy I am not going to discuss the details of the breakup,” she says.
“Even though I am on a reality based show and I live much of my life in a fish bowl, I think anyone would understand that I need to keep some of my life private.”
Sources tell Us that it was Conrad who broke it off with boyfriend Jason Wahler. “He had been going out to clubs, flirting with girls, staying out late,” says a pal of Conrad’s.
“She wanted to focus on school and her career and was ready to move on. She feels really good about her decision.”
A second source adds she had a JASON tattoo covered up at the Hart & Huntington tattoo parlor at the Palms Casino resort last weekend when she and fellow Hills star Heidi Montag were visiting Sin City.
Well, it's a good thing Lauren didn't turn down a once-in-a-lifetime (or a season, whichever) internship in Paris to stay in Los Angeles and live with Jason this summer.
Oh, wait.
Somehow I assume he'll be back around by season two. If we're lucky their reconciliation will involve more of J-Wahl's dad's car collection.
In other Laguna news, Us also lets us know that Kristin Cavallari re-dunzo-ed Facehumpy Brody Jenner. Yawn.
It's the simple pleasures, really, that make life wonderful. Like this: Andy Milonakas planning a strategic boob-grab of Heidi from The Hills, who has no connection between her head and her body, or her head and anything for that matter, and probably would never notice.
Or the unbridled douchebaggery that is Jordan and Brian (pictured here, also of The Hills).
Or the fact that LC's little sister may take down the whole Laguna/Hills empire with as she apprears completely void of charisma.
Or the portion of this weeks The Hills episode in which Jason is very obviously and hilariously doing something illegal in the bathroom during his birthday dinner. (One minute he is his normal unable-to-complete-a-full-sentence self and the next he's wanting to be social? It's a helluva drug.)
Happy Canada Day.
Editor
