Let's be honest: Celebrities are usually only interested in sports if it will guarantee them a photo op. Saturday night's NY Giants celebration party was no different, with the guest list consisting of a couple A-listers, some people we've heard of but haven't seen in awhile, and then a few who made us go, "Who?"

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This upsets us for reasons we can only feel, not describe:

…as he browsed at Kari Feinstein's suite at Social Hollywood in LA last week, [Jeremy Piven] was forced to come clean about the identity of his "brunette and curvy" lady friend because he didn't know her size. He finally told the clerk the dresses were for [Dita] Von Teese…Von Teese's lawyer, Keith Fink, told us Piven has seen her performance and he shyly said hello to her when he ran into her at an LA newsstand right before he bought the dresses. "She is single, and she's not dating, so he should step up to the plate because there's a lot of guys interested," said Fink.

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Last evening marked the 59th Annual Emmy Awards (which I've heard were unyieldingly boring). Although they remain one of the least merit-based awards in history, the Emmys are one of the sharpest, and that should count for something.

After the jump, the gowns! Oh, the gowns!

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According to today's Page Six, Jeremy Piven has no qualms about publicly berating his mother!

Spies at Nobu Malibu spotted Piven having "a very loud argument" with his own mother Friday night. "It was so venomous, the entire restaurant could hear them. I don't know what they were arguing about, but it was loud," said the onlooker…

Classy, Ari, though methinks you're, as they say, barking up the wrong tree. New research has proven that male-pattern baldness is related to genes inherited from both parents, not just from one's maternal side.

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Bruce Willis is one of the finest role models in America for this simple fact: he went bald with grace and dignity you won't generally see in an actor. Normally, balding screen stars cling to their thinning locks like children to recess. They'll wear ridiculous wigs and shitty hats, and they'll try to distract your attention from their head with colorful diversions. Fuck all that.

Bruce said, "Yippie-kay-ya, motherfucker, I'm getting rid of it." That's a manly thing to do.

I'm not saying hair's not an important part of a person's aesthetic, but sometimes it's gotta go. It's like your grandmother.

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• The new Sandy and Danny are just as annoying as you remember musical theater nerds being. [JJ]

• Interesting read on being gay and pro. [Radar]

• So, does this mean that she had done 10 pounds of coke? [DH]

• Jeremy Piven resorting the last-ditch effort of every paunchy, balding clown: "Don't you know who I am?" [NYDN]

• Wynonna's in a tizzy 'bout that whole molestation thing. Hope she's not Catholic! [ASL]

• Undercover Brother is an overt fuck up. By the way, that's what someone deserves for owning a fucking million dollar car. [HR]

• Is TMZ making out next to the tennis courts with Britney? [Gawker]

• They better not cut out Rose McGowan with a damn grenade launcher leg. [DListed]

• Gwen Stefani's coming to American Idol, even though she would be voted off as a contestant. [Glitterati]

• The National Enquirer's beating the medical professionals to the punch and calling Anna Nicole's death. [IDLYITW]

• Why is the Doritos girl still around? [INO]

• Dita don't tan. [ICYDK]

• Halle glowing (radiant?). Whatevs. [JJ]

• This is why you can't seat Piven front row at the fashion show. [CityRag]

• Bonnie and Bonnie arrested on charges of giggling while robbing. [DListed]

• Piven getting some self-respect back by ditching that bad toupee. [CityRag]

• Hewitt's only comfortable emphasizing her breasts in the safe confines of a tasteful…bra commercial? [Egotastic]

• Rehab works if you go for more than 24 hours. [Glitterati]

• Even I thought I was kidding when I said Victoria had dyed her hair to look more LA. Turns out that's exactly what she did, making the joke boat take a turn into the sea of sadness. [INO]

• Jolie-Pitt clan's getting a kid from Vietnam. This will be their first adopted child to have American lineage. [Jossip]

• Nicole Kidman learning castration techniques for her new film. She said she had plenty of practice being married to Tom Cruise. [ICYDK]

• A woman arguing against women's sexual revolutions. [NYT]

How about some humble pie with that morning coffee? Here's some gems of a fan accosting Jeremy Piven while demanding an autograph. The fantastic thing is that he's operating under the assumption that Piven is Luke Perry, and he keeps referring to him as such. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That face above looks like being kicked in the crotch feels.

Even more amazing is that the autograph seeker has no idea how many bouts of Schadenfreude he has inspired. He's just excited that the new shorts his granddaughter loaned him have brought him such wonderful luck. Go show all the old dogs in Cambridge what a specimen you've become, guy.

Ever get the feeling that stylists don't really know their clients and that they're just giving them whatever the hell they've gotten over the past week that they don't want for themselves? If not, these pics might make you think about that, and also question whether or not stylists are even beneficial in the grand scheme of entertainment.

Since Hollywood has accepted "personal stylist" as a reasonable occupation, what's happened is that we've got a whole gaggle of celebrities who have somebody picking out their clothes for them. They literally have people dressing them like their mommies and daddies used to. Can you see how twisted that is? Couple that with the fans and the absurd amounts of money offered to them for doing things like "making appearances," and it's really no big surprise when you've got divas acting out on the set.

That all being said, I'm not certain that a stylist picked this ensemble out, but does anyone really want to look like the Black Crowes besides the Black Crowes?

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So, what a surprisingly lame and tame Golden Globes, huh? Seeing as the whole premise of awards shows is just people who make movies telling their friends how fucking awesome they are, for those of us not working in films, it's tough to watch all these people kiss each other's asses and thank their agents without hoping for Anna Nicole to stumble to a mic with a Percocet-induced weepy rant. But everyone was being gracious and classy. What gives? I was even able to stomach Jamie Foxx and his bullshit strut for more than five minutes.
Not only were there not any Abdul-esque meltdowns, but what should have been the night's funniest acceptance speech from Borat turned into a really awful and graphic description of Sacha Baron Cohen having balls and ass on his face ("rancid bubble?" Yuck).
Anyway, as an homage to the Globes, I've created my own award: the Miseries. These are my awards for the Globe attendees who, in the face of global (Global?) adulation, are still able to remain noticeably uncomfortable, selfish and/or bitter.

The nominees are:

• Jeremy Piven's mother, who should seriously consider taking Cusack's side in the Piven/Cusack rift

• Bill Paxton, who plateaued as Chet in art-house flick Weird Science

• Clint Eastwood, who "can't stand this glitzy horse shit"

• David Spade, who is desperately in need of a new, fatter, funnier sidekick

• Chloë Sevigny, who doesn't function well outside of the Lower East Side or Connecticut

• Angelina Jolie, who doesn't function well outside of barren, war-torn nations

Ultimately, I think David Spade wins. Dude hasn't been really commercially successful in years, Heather Locklear just broke his wittle heart and his best friend/acting partner, Chris Farley, still can't be replaced. Now, they're making him wear a tuxedo? I'm with you, David. Be glum, chum.

• Now all you have to do, Tara Reid, to sell that you're sane by not looking like you're about to snap and kill us all. [INO]

• Matt Leinart thinks Britney Spears is fat. [popbytes]

• Thank you, Claire Danes, for cheating on that Crudup bastard with a gay guy. Mary Louise Parker will be (probably still pretty f-ing angry but) proud. [Jossip]

• Britney's stylist must feel such shame. [DListed]

• Shut up, Piven, we all know you're the asshole here. [A Socialite's Life]

• Julia Roberts likes to have the babies in twos, thank you very much. [PopSugar]

• Bury him. [Junkiness]

• And probably all of them, too. [TMZ]

This is my vote for MySpace Tom's new default photo. Just him and Rupert Murdoch looking smug (well, to be fair, Rupe's just kind of looking old, but Tom looks smug). . Caption: We're fucking rich.

Last night the barely famous were out with a vengeance at the MySpace Presents Rock for Darfur Party Benefiting Oxfam America. (Speaking of MySpace, wanna be my friend? Shameless plea for love while talking about a party supporting a good cause? Sign me up.Sigh, this never works.) Everyone looked less-than thrilled to attend the event, but, on a brighter note Kimberly Stewart looked nice. Weird.

Also, can someone please remind Jeremy Piven that he is. Forty. One. Years. Old.

I'm not sure what is more disgusting: Paris Hilton's wig or Steve-O's inappropriately manhandling that poor woman's breasts.

That snake is probably ashamed to be associated with these shenanigans.

At least Piven knows better than to get near that thing. It's taken him many many moons to have a successful career and legit invites to events like this, he's sure as hell not risking losing that at the hands of some bastard reptile. Plus, he's got on his fancy leather cuff. Not to be messed with.

• Diddy should take more care when dressing his all-girl super-group Danity Kane. Ixnay on the Otpantshay. [DListed]

• At least Kevin Smith owns up to the quality of Clerks II, and his lovemaking. [Yeeah]

• Is Janet Jackson getting married? Is she even engaged? Does she have any idea? [WWTDD]

• Tom Cruise finally regained control of TomCruise.com, so he finally has his rightful corner of the internet to spead his crazy. [A Socialite's Life]

• Jamie Foxx ain't saying Carmen Elektra isa gold digger…you know the rest. [Faded Youth]

• No amount of staring at the cake will make you not 41 and rapidly turning into your own despicable television personality, Jeremy Piven. [BWE]

• You will go into club when Lindsay Lohan tells you to, Sean Lennon. What an odd sentence. [X17]

…Cause I bet she'd totally be a booze hound.

Three years ago if Lindsay Lohan somehow stumbled into Jeremy Piven's birthday celebration it would have been awkward for all parties. Today, however, she stumbles in on purpose, poses in a few bathing suits, wait for it..hugs it out a bit with the birthday boy (groan), and from the looks of it, spends some QT in the bathroom. These pictures reek of a girl who was in no way cognizant of this photoshoot, or taking off her overdress in the first place, and will see them later and make up a memory of the event just to make herself sleep better at night. Too depressing? I'm sure she had a helluva time.

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Can someone please tell Jeremy Piven that he is not actually Ari Gold? Sure it must feel good to finally be invited to the hot nubile young starlet's birthday celebrations, but they like you just the way you are, Piven, no need to put on the act all the time. Page Six has the story:

The "Entourage" party boy was wandering the beach in Malibu the day after attending Lindsay Lohan's 20th birthday blowout when several twentysomethings at a Smashbox Cares soiree offered him what appeared to be a "blunt" - a hollowed-out cigar filled with marijuana. "Piven gladly partook but then realized it had tobacco in it," says our bemused spy. "He launched into a tirade about how smoking ages you. He was with people in their 20s telling them he looked younger than them and took off his sunglasses so they could inspect his skin."

I know, I know, he has been all Zen and shit for a while now, but forcing a bunch of younger kids to inspect his skin, well, that just reeks of his Entourage egomaniac.

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All signs point to Jeremy Piven having lost all ability to differentiate himself from his Entourage character Ari Gold. The latest infraction took place this weekend at a Chicago Cubs game. I'll let the Tribune tell the story:

Chatting on the field before Sunday's Tigers-Cubs game, actor Jeremy Piven and Cubs marketing chief John McDonough discussed how Piven would incorporate his signature line into his singing of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

They came up with: "Hug it out, Cubs fans."

But Piven couldn't resist going nearly word-for-word with his line from HBO's "Entourage."

"Let's hug it out, you little bitches," he yelled to the crowd at Wrigley Field.

McDonough, while noting that Piven has been a loyal Cubs fan and friend to the team, was disappointed and issued an apology.

"I don't know if professional adrenaline took over, but we don't ever want to introduce profanity into the seventh-inning stretch," he said.

Uh, Happy Father's Day? At least, the kids in the audience were probably too busy making themselves obese on hot dogs and cotton candy to even notice, and hell, it's not like they don't hear that language on network TV these days. In the meantime, someone get Piven into therapy, he's becoming a delusional liability.

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