Oh that liberal elite media and its terrible sense of humor! Everyone needs to get their heads checked, because Stephen Baldwin was simply making a hilarious joke when he said he would leave the country if Barack Obama became president. According to our least favorite Baldwin brother, "The liberal Democrats who didn't get that I was joking need to lighten up." Here's a thought, Steve-O: Perhaps everyone knew you were joking but, deep down, secretly hoped that you were serious and would pack your bags after Nov. 4.
The Jesus Freak (minus the Jesus) also takes issue with — surprise! — gay marriage: "If they legalize gay marriage in all 50 states in my lifetime, I'll get a Billy Ray Cyrus tattoo on my butt to go with the Hannah Montana one." Even more of a reason to help out the gays.
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Stuck without a Halloween costume to wear tonight? Don't panic — we have seven fool-proof ideas to impress your friends and guarantee you extra candy (or at least a few concerned looks), all inspired by some of our favorite celebrities. They're not exactly scary in the traditional sense, but these costumes are frightening nonetheless. Don't say we never do anything for you.
When you're done, feel free to guess what Whitney will be dressing up as for Halloween (Cord accidentally revealed his costume already). Winner gets a free Internet hug and pride.
The insufferable Perez Hilton, dressed as Jesus Christ, helped Katy Perry (as the late Freddie Mercury) celebrate her 24th birthday party last night in West Hollywood. This just begs the question: What kind of person invites Perez Hilton to his or her birthday party?
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I'm not voting for that nigger, and I ain't no racist when I say that either.
-An anonymous West Virginian McCain supporter, on his benign views on McCain's black opponent
Heyo! Did you know over in Israel they created a beautifier machine that can take any picture of you and analyze your facial structure and then improve upon it as dictated by social norms of physical attributes?
And did you know that James Franco's face, when run through this program, does not reveal any differences whatsoever, meaning that the Pineapple Express actor is basically the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. It's true! Pretty sure that it's in the Bible somewhere that Jesus had a perfect jawline and eyes that were symmetrically far apart.
To be fair, the program's purpose was only to subtly change the composite of facial features, to show society that it doesn't always take extreme plastic surgery to improve your looks.
But guess which actor was actually made less attractive after being run through the beautification process?
If anyone doesn't want to talk politics, I'm offering a different alternative: Let's discuss The Hills in depth, shall we? For the three of you who didn't run back to the Palin posts, let's proceed. Last night's episode was fairly awesome thanks to Darlene Montag, the woman who birthed and raised the nightmare we know as Heidi. Darlene suffered through a one-on-one lunch with devilish Spencer, who was a complete and total ass to her ("I don't get uncomfortable, my dear") and then cried real tears for her lost cause of a daughter, claiming that Spence is the biggest d-bag that ever lived.
Except, you know, it was all fake. First off, Darlene showed up in this episode to "surprise" Heidi for her birthday. Heidi's birthday is Sept. 15. Darlene claimed she hadn't seen Heidi in months and had no idea she was living with Spencer. Please. It's not like she hasn't DVR'd every episode of The Hills and cut out each cheesy tabloid spread featuring Speidi to tape to her refrigerator. Also? If Darlene just showed up two weeks ago, how does she explain this, the photo shoot she had with Speidi and Joe Francis in early August?
Methinks this desperate need for the MTV cameras' attention runs in the family.
Say hello to Miley Cyrus' new boyfriend and church buddy, Justin Gaston. Justin is the ripe age of 20 while Miley is a mere 15 years old, but age is just a number, right? This strapping young lad was on Nashville Star, where he looked good but sang horribly (proof here). But that's not his day job, which you can click through to admire (slightly NSFW).
• Have you ever stepped on a cat's tail? That's what Kat DeLuna's rendition of the National Anthem sounds like, except it goes on for two minutes. [DListed]
• Megan Fox in GQ. Men everywhere rejoice. [Yeeeah]
• What happened to Christina Aguilera? [PS]
• Heidi Montag tries on a large cross necklace covered in diamonds and poses for the paparazzi, because that's what Jesus would do. [HT]
• For those of you who forgot, the Jonas Brothers are just teenage boys and not the second coming of Xenu. [ICYDK]
• A couple made in cleanliness heaven: Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett. [INO]
Heidi Montag isn't a typical singer in that she can't sing in any way, shape or form, she doesn't tour the country with her music and she feels the urge to release a new single every few days. The latest is titled "Party's Wherever I Am," which we can only assume is another song about Christianity and Jesus. It's gotten to the point now where we can listen to an entire Heidi song without feeling the urge to stab our eardrums — it's like our body has developed a defense mechanism in which it tunes out the "music" and makes us numb inside. This can't be good.
Ah, CBS. We were expecting for Big Brother to not air preacher's son Ollie's homophobic rants that were captured on the live feeds — but during last night's episode, the show completely fabricated the entire scene. As you may recall, Ollie lashed out at fellow contestant Memphis during a heated argument in the backyard, and as Ollie walked away he told Memphis to "suck my dick, little faggot." Memphis replied, "What did you just call me?" and followed him inside as Ollie repeated himself multiple times. But according to last night's episode, Ollie muttered "red-headed cabbage patch kid" instead of his original rant. Uh, OK? Would it have killed CBS to either a) completely edit out that segment or b) bleep out the offensive words? Why the golden child edit? (Scene in question is at 0:50, compared to the real fight here.)
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "This wine tastes like a mar-lett." — Creepa, From G's to Gents
Yes, I'm still the only person watching Big Brother. I can't help it, I'm addicted — mainly because the producers have perfected the art of casting people on the verge of insanity who come across as perfectly normal during the regular broadcast three times a week. On the live feeds, however, is where the real crazies come out, which brings us to Ollie, the preacher's son. CBS cast him as the straight-laced religious guy, as you can tell from his bio: "As the son of a preacher, Ollie grew up in a strict Pentecostal family where, in his father's church, faith healing and speaking in tongues were practiced. … To this day, Ollie does not drink, smoke or curse; staying true to the values he was raised with as a child."
Interesting, then, that he is the one in the house who constantly spouts off hateful and homophobic remarks. Last night he announced that Memphis, one of his enemies in the game, is "an undercover fag" — to which Jerry, the 75-year-old ex-Marine, warned him, "You gotta stay away from those little dirty old nasties." (Don't even get me started on Jerry.) To top it all off, Ollie told Memphis to "suck my dick, little faggot." You can catch that clip after the jump (around the 7:40 mark). CONTINUED »
After the hoopla surrounding last weekend's bizarre K-Ci and JoJo concert — in which JoJo collapsed on stage and nobody bothered to pick him up — K-Ci took to the airwaves to defend his brother and refute all those "ridiculous" drug claims.
See, the reason his brother passed out on stage after repeatedly acting like a crazy person was because he suffers from epilepsy. Fair enough — let's pack it up and call it a day, shall we? Oh, you want to keep talking? Well in that case, you're digging your own hole.
K-Ci says that Jesus decided JoJo needed to pass out mid-concert, and nobody can argue with God. Also? He hates Bill Gates for inventing the computer. And if you're still questioning his sobriety after those perfectly sane statements, he denies the rumors of drug use: "All that cocaine stuff man — I don't even know how to spell cocaine man, you feel me? I don't even drink Coca-Cola cause it say 'coke.'"
Well, that should clear everything up.
As if Jesus didn't have enough problems, now he has to deal with his latest fan, Spencer Pratt. We'll let Spence do the talking:
I’m a work in progress. I’d never been to church until I met Heidi. She got me to go — it was a big step. The walls shook a little bit as I first cruised in, but Jesus and I are making the connection. I’m trying to live a more positive, holy life, but it takes work. It’s hard not sinning, you know?
Heidi’s there going, ‘What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?’ And I’m like, ‘Jesus gave me these great comebacks.' And she’s like, ‘No, that’s the devil.’
Interesting, Heidi. We weren't aware that Jesus got breast implants and spread sex tape rumors to Perez Hilton, but maybe we missed that part of the Bible.
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This is the handiwork of Florida businessman Mike Meehan, and he’s paid to have three of them raised around Orlando. According to Meehan, who says it’s important for voters to remember to focus on the war, he is a proud Republican and “a man of God.”
How does a hip, knife-wielding vixen like Katy Perry get such backwards ideas about gay people despite living in Hollywood, one of the gayest places in the entire world? We can't be certain, but we think it might have something to do with the fact that in 2001, Perry was a devout Christian releasing religious albums under her real name, Katy Hudson. Here's a lyrical sampling from Hudson's "Faith Won't Fail":
For His angels surround me
And You've poured out this blood covering
And I will walk and not fail
For time and time again my faith won't fail
Might some of Hudson's reverence for the Church – particularly its notorious unwillingness to accept alternative lifestyles – exist within Perry seven years later? Could be!
Either way, a little down home homophobia isn't enough to sate Perry's pious former fans, many of whom are pissed about the tarted-up floozy she's become. Says a YouTube commenter called rayray1808:
My very best friend turned away from jesus , she was the worship leader at my church , amazing singer , now she is goth and in a band called holophonic porno , but she will come back to jesus and so will Katy .
HA! We'll end this post there.
After the jump, "Faith Won't Fail."
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Heidi Montag just released yet another single to the masses, because we know everyone has been waiting on the edge of their seats for more "music" from the D-list loser. This one is called "One More Drink," in which she talks about getting wasted and going home with a guy. This all makes sense, because she hopes to glorify God through her music and claims to never drink alcohol, ever.
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