The great (and by "great" we mean "annoying") thing about Heidi Montag is that she's a mystery: Does she really believe the stuff that comes out of her mouth or is it all a big joke? And if it's a joke, why does she insist on being the punch line?
Lately, Horse Face has gone off on a Christianity tangent, claiming she reads the Bible every day and is a "kind of non-denominational Baptist." Whatever that means. Also? She plans to insult God through the power of her terrible music by recording a Christian album.
I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God. … God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I'm going to get persecuted, ya know?
Because if there's anyone who reminds us of Christ, it's Heidi Montag. And to further prove her point, Heidi says she and Spencer Pratt plan to go be missionaries in Africa to "feed children and help build things."
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LIKE A NEW RELIGION "… The Dark Knight's running time has been confirmed at 152 minutes. … 'In the 1950s and early '60s we had long, self-important movies about Jesus. In the 21st Century we have long, self-important movies about Batman.'"
Every week, a bunch of “real” people say really stupid things on reality TV. These are their stories.
10. "If there's somebody there to help you through each thing, then who are you? Are you you? Or are you us? And then if you're us, then who the hell are we?" — Nicky2States, Miss Rap Supreme
Michael Lohan is back in the news for reopening his divorce case against Mother of the Year Dina. His reasoning? He claims Dina stole his idea for a reality show, name and all: "It's the exact same show I pitched. She even used my title." Of course the genius that is Living Lohan came from Michael — it was obviously developed through the power of Jesus.
He also takes issue with the fact that none of his kids have visited their grandparents:
[Dina] told me, 'It's up to the kids if they want to see their grandparents.' But she's made no effort to put them in touch or make this happen. That is the bottom line. My mother, Marilyn Lohan, was medevacked by helicopter to the hospital on Easter Sunday after hitting a telephone poll and tree. Thank God, she's okay, but the car was totaled. Every window blew out. My father went into heart failure again yesterday — and yet not one of the kids has seen him.
Here's the problem, Mike: You created a bunch of selfish monsters. Congrats!
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GOD COMPLEXES Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis is profiled in the new issue of GQ. This is our favorite excerpt: "His enemies list has grown as he sits in jail, and it was recently expanded to include Access Hollywood reporter Maria Menounos, who did an interview Francis didn’t like. 'She called me the 'ever defiant Joe Francis,' ' he howls. 'Fuck yeah, I’m defiant! It’s like that defiant Rosa Parks won’t give up her seat. Fuck you, Maria. The ever defiant Nelson Mandela just can’t stand apartheid. The ever defiant Martin Luther King. The ever defiant Jesus Christ. You fucking stupid whore. If I saw Maria Menounos, I’d punch her in the face.'"
Remember when we tortured you with Heidi Montag's new single and music video? Well, this should make up for it.
Jesus would be proud.
Us Weekly has the new Heidi Montag single, "Higher," for those three fans out there who can't wait until it hits iTunes on Tuesday.
We listened to it and contemplated stabbing our eardrums until we could no longer hear anything. It's really bad. The Hills' star cited Jesus and Britney Spears as her musical influences, and we are positive Jesus wants nothing to do with that mess. Actually, now that we think about it, Brit would probably even have the good sense to stay away.
Oh, and in a total coincidence, today just so happens to be Lauren Conrad's 22nd birthday.
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Michael Lohan is on a mission to find the dealers who sold drugs to his daughter and forced her to use them.
Michael tells the Daily News that he's been looking for the people who sold the drugs to Lindsay Lohan and other kids: "Come hell or high water, one day I'm going to find these guys and I'm going to expose them. … God is going to get even with this guy."
And besides hunting down the world's drug dealers, LiLo's dad is also involved in a youth ministry called Teen Challenges. We're assuming they preach things such as placing blame on other people and avoiding responsibility at all costs.
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Oh, the irony! This year, in the 2nd Annual Times Square Nativity Scene, event organizers chose Michael Lohan to portray Joseph, cuckolded stepfather of magic man Jesus Christ. Were we religious, we might be offended. But as it stands, we're so very amused, and we think someone might be making a political statement. If so: kudos!
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