Here, in 136 words, is all that's wrong with America:

Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether. According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes. School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day. So the district decided to call off school the Friday before the game. And Clarke County is not alone; the schools in nearby Madison and Oglethorpe counties also are taking the day off.

Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley apologized Monday for posting an explicit photo of himself on his Web site.

Cooley accidentally revealed more of himself than he wanted when he took a picture Sunday morning while preparing for a game against the New Orleans Saints. Cooley wanted to show the readers of his popular blog some of the study materials the players were given by coach Jim Zorn.

Cooley, however, said he was studying in the nude, and he didn't examine his photo closely before posting it.

NSFW picture is here.

TV GETS A NEW, SWEATY 'SOUP' "E! Entertainment's 'The Soup' franchise is cooking up a new sports-flavored edition for sibling cabler Versus. 'Sports Soup,' which bows 10 p.m. Oct. 14, will be shot in L.A. and produced by the team behind 'The Soup.' Comedian Matt Iseman has been tapped to host. … "Sports Soup' will offer viewers an undistorted glimpse into sports,' said Marc Fein, exec VP of programming production and business operations at Versus. 'It's our way of providing a voice to sports fans as the show will say what we are all thinking but no one is actually saying."

Norwegian physicist Hans Eriksen has done the math and figured out that if Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt hadn't slowed down to showboat, he could have run the 100-meter Olympic final in 9.55 seconds. Even with the showboating, Bolt finished in 9.69 seconds, a new world record.

The moral of the story here is that if you're good enough, you can do whatever the fuck you want and still win.

GOLDEN BOY SIDELINED "The New England Patriots have come back from injuries before, winning three Super Bowls and reaching a fourth despite losing Rodney Harrison, Richard Seymour, Junior Seau and Drew Bledsoe. Now they will try to do it without Tom Brady. The 2007 NFL Most Valuable Player will miss the entire '08 season with a left knee injury that needs surgery, the team said Monday. That leaves the Patriots without one of the game's great quarterbacks and severely damages their hopes of a return trip to the Super Bowl."

Dogpile! Now that media outlets around the country are scrambling for stories about Alex Rodriguez's shattered personal life, no matter how unfounded they might be, strippers on shadowy, dollar-littered stages across this great United States are sashaying forth and bragging that they, too, fucked the married Yankee.

Exotic dancer Candice Houlihan, at left, says she had a loveless, two-night fling with A-Rod in Boston in 2004. And in Detroit, a strip club bartender recently called into a local radio show to claim that A-Rod used to fly one of her colleagues around the country for sex.

Yay, national pastime!

David Beckham is so sexy and irresistible that, in what one newspaper calls "a new first," even his male fans can't help themselves. One such fella stormed the field when the L.A. Galaxy star was playing, hugging and high-fiving his hero. Then teammate Chris Klein knocked the guy down and pinned him until security got to the scene to escort him away. Below, see the fan get shoved to the ground! Then escorted off the field! It's all tres romantic.

CONTINUED »

A Plano, Texas steroids dealer has learned the hard way that it's a bad idea to fuck with the lives of undereducated, strong millionaires amped up on mood-altering drugs.

David Jacobs and girlfriend Amanda Jo Earhart-Savell were found shot to death in Jacobs' Plano home yesterday, just 15 days after Jacobs met with NFL security officials and gave them the names of players he said bought steroids from him.

At the time of the couple's murder, Jacobs was on probation and cleaning up his life after pleading guilty last year to conspiring to possess with intent to distribute anabolic steroids.

You've got to hand it to jocks—they're very consistent bastards:

Yankee A-Rod drowned his sorrows over the team's loss to the birds last week at Baltimore's Hooters, and must have been so bummed that he dismissed a young fan who wanted his autograph.

"Excuse me, Mr. Rodriguez, may I please have your autograph?" the excited 10-year-old said to him.

The third baseman just mumbled, "Beat it."

He had two different words for the chesty waitress he bumped into as he left.

"Nice ass."

Prior to devoting his career to shouting about God and convincing white Midwesterners to fear things (especially black men), Bill O'Reilly hosted Inside Edition. There, unlike the current behavioral agreement he has with Fox News, the psychopathic O'Reilly was allowed to be a mercurial asshole only when off the air.

Click through to remember those days with a good, old-fashioned explosion that's NSFW and actually a bit frightening.

CONTINUED »

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, meat head and tank enthusiast, was in Columbus, Ohio last weekend to help celebrate the 20th anniversary of his eponymous sports and fitness festival.

Besides autograph sessions with Ultimate Fighting berserkers and endless energy drink giveaways, 2008's Arnold Sports Festival included this impromptu but delightful thing:

Some of the female bodybuilders at the competition…went to a local bar…"They started wrestling a bunch of midgets. It got nasty and went all night."

Presumably displeased with the outcome of the female bodybuilder-dwarf wrestling matches, Ahnold stormed out of Columbus the next morning with the fury of a robot sent from the future to murder the only hope for humanity.

As Schwarzenegger was exiting the Hyatt early Sunday…he had several goons run ahead of him screaming at hotel customers trying to get to the airport, "Get back against the wall! Stay against the wall! Do not move!"

When Schwarzenegger appeared, flanked by men in black suits, one fan broke free and begged for a photo, saying, "Every year I try and get a picture, please? You're my idol." Schwarzenegger didn't even make eye contact as he swept by.

After the jump, the Governor's finest performance to date.

CONTINUED »