Behold: 'Tis the infamous Bonaduce vs Fairplay scuffle! The Rumble in the Mire! The Clash of the Has-Beens! The Washed-Up Fisticuffs! Enjoy, and just try not to cringe at the sickening sound of a reality television anti-hero's incisors making unmitigated contact with the floor of a Hollywood stage. Metaphor!

Steroid enthusiast and probable racist Danny Bonaduce is a felony suspect, wanted for allegedly smashing Survivor star Johnny Fairplay in the face and knocking out some of his teeth. And, boy, if that's not exciting news! They're killing each other before the rest of us beg God to take them! Related: I've just thought of an exciting reality show that will rid us of reality shows. Ready your defenses, Top Model, The Biggest Loser looks hungry.