Well, that was boring. Kevin Federline's overly-hyped interview with People magazine could have been full of scandalous, disturbing stories about his life with Britney Spears (you know he has plenty), but instead the father of four continued to seek the title of America's Sweetheart. Kevin, why must you attempt to be a respectable human being? This isn't fun for us.

When asked to dish about Crazy Brit, this is all we got:

That whole night [when Britney locked herself in the bathroom with Jayden] is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her 'cause I care about her. That's the mother of my children. Just because I'm not in love with her doesn't mean that I don't love her. I'm definitely rooting for her. There's nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

He also goes on to say that their dysfunctional family life is "totally turning around," and he just wants his children to be able to have as normal of a life as possible. Someone totally coached him, right? Because he couldn't have come up with all these safe answers on his own.

Surprise! Kevin Federline is going to tell his side of the story (um, what story?) at 8 a.m. tomorrow on People.com. Everyone needs to go to bed extra early tonight to make sure they're ready for this ground-breaking interview.

In other news, it's good to see K-Fed's back to his money-grubbing ways. He can only go so long looking good by comparison to Britney Spears.

Britney graces her millionth cover of Rolling Stone next month as an obligatory stop on the Spears Comeback Train, but instead of reassuring the masses, the interview has caused us to grow even more concerned.

To kick things off, the interviewer admitted that she was never left alone with the star and the entire process was "rigorously micromanaged." Then Britney admits that she feels "like an old person" thanks to her 9:30 p.m. bedtime and lack of a social life. But the real shocking-but-not-really part came when she discussed her children:

[Sean Preston and Jayden James] are starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.

Yep, those kids are officially up a creek without a paddle.

Clips from the Britney: For the Record documentary are being leaked on YouTube, prompting Perez Hilton to be all, "EXCLUSIVE!!! WE CAN REVEAL EXCLUSIVELY THAT BRITNEY SAID THIS!!!" even though it's all over the Internets. Anyhoo, there's a big fuss over Brit's admission that she probably married Kevin Federline for less-than-ideal reasons. Gasp!

This earth-shattering revelation overshadows the clips of Brit recording "Womanizer" in the studio — and she sounds just slightly less tone deaf than The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim. It's a good thing she's a pro at lip-syncing.

OH, DEAR "A source confirms to ET that Britney Spears' son, Jayden James, has been admitted to the hospital. The two-year-old was rushed to the emergency room when he became ill. The family was on a trip to Britney's family home in Kentwood, Louisiana."

[Source]

Dean McDermott, the father of three who is currently in Tori Spelling's clutches, has something to say to the people who cleverly compare him to deadbeat and professional hanger-on Kevin Federline: "I take that as a compliment." No, seriously, he said that with a straight face.

Someone said when I first stared dating [Tori], I was K- Fed junior, they meant it as an insult. They thought I was after Tori for money and stuff. They thought that K-Fed was after Brit for money and stuff lalalala … and you know what? I said, ‘I take that as a compliment.’ I take that as a compliment, because every time I see K-Fed he is always with the kids. He seems like a really good dad, so it’s like, ‘Thanks for the compliment.’

Bwa! He seems like a really good dad? Really? Are we comparing him to Crazy Britney circa 2007 or perhaps a drugged-out hobo on the street? Are we grading on a curve? We desperately need to know, because no sane person would take being compared to K-Fed as a compliment. Something's not right with poor Dean.

[Source]

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas — even at the expense of children's birthdays, if you're Kevin Federline. The father of the year was in town for the Friday preview party for a new nightclub and had so much fun that he decided to stay for the weekend. One small problem: His sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, were celebrating their birthdays back in LA:

Saturday [Kevin] spent the day by the pool, then had dinner at TAO and hit the Lavo grand opening, red carpet and all, where he partied til 4am. It was more of a guys’ weekend, but a very good time was had by all.

According to a K-Fed friend, he loves his children, "but if he's having fun someplace else he'll stick with that."

Hey, remember when Britney was so crazy that everyone wanted Kevin to have sole custody of the kids? And after time went on, we were all like, "Hey, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all"? Those children are screwed.

[Source]

A year after Britney Spears' infamous OK! magazine interview that wasn't, the singer returned to show off her newly acquired basic social skills. Among the self-aware realizations include her desire to keep her kids out of Hollywood: "I'd just as soon they have a more normal childhood," Brit says, scoring points for mothering skills and the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Her father, Jamie, also spoke to the mag, presumably because that's the only way he got a piece of the paycheck:

Kevin [Federline] is all for everything. He wants her to have 50/50 custody. He wants them to raise these kids together. Kevin’s heart is right.

[My relationship with Britney] is new for both of us. She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot.

Alright Jamie, we'll give you a pass for the Kevin comment because we, too, reached a point where K-Fed seemed like Father of the Year. But you should probably stop talking to the media and get back to work — Brit still has a long way to go.

Uh oh! Just one day after we were called "assy" for daring to suggest that Britney Spears should focus her energy on things other than making a new pop album, the perennially hysterical singer has lost a long-standing custody dispute with her ex-husband, self-styled pimp Kevin Federline (of the Fresno Federlines). Under the ruling, Federline will retain sole legal and physical custody of the couple's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears will continue to be allowed twice a week visitation and once a week monitored overnights.

Sad, but don't feel too bad for Britney, she can use the emotions this decision will inevitably yield to liven up her new record. We can see the hits now: "My Kids Aren't Coming Home Tonight (So Stay a While Longer)" and "I Just Wanna Dance and Forget About Motherfuckin' Family Court. Shit! Goddammit!"

UM, WHO WERE THE OTHER NOMINEES? "Kevin Federline is the new father of the year! Just in time for Father's Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his 'father of the year' status at a party he is slated to host there June 13."

Kevin Federline, America's scapegoat, assured us again on Tuesday that each one of his many children is destined for the very heights of addiction. This time, Federline lost five-year-old daughter Kori at Disneyland.

Sources told HollyWire that the child, wearing a bright yellow Belle Costume, was left roaming alone near the Finding Nemo ride. When an employee asked her where her parents were, she said she didn’t know.

She was then asked the standard who-what-when-where questions:

Disney employee: What’s your name?

5 year old daughter of K-fed: Kori

Employee: How old are you?

Kori: 5

Employee: What’s your parent’s name?

Kori: Kevin
…
Little did the employee know that “Kevin” meant Kevin Federline! About ten to fifteen minutes after the employee found the lost little Kori, a frantic nanny spotted her and came running over.

Kori went missing despite the fact that Federline, two nannies, two Disnelyand ushers and a bodyguard were present and attempting to keep an eye on the children.

CariDee English, the seventh season winner of America's Next Top Model, first exercised her bad judgment when auditioning for the Tyra Banks-created reality show. Then she admitted to dating a guy who stole $10,000 of her money to spend in Vegas (we never knew she and Kevin Federline were an item).

But the latest bit of idiocy came last night when CariDee announced that she is currently dating fellow model (and ginormous tool) Tyson Beckford. Um, Cari? Perhaps you should get back with that K-Fed-esque guy.

[Source]

BABY STEPS "Britney Spears has gained more visitation of her two young sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James — though how much more is unclear. [Kevin Federline]'s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said after the court hearing today that he wouldn't talk about the custodial timeshare between Brit and K-Fed — except to say that it is 'more than it has been.'"

You can be sure it's a huge day in the TMZ newsroom: Britney and K-Fed are back in court today for their child custody hearing. And Brit even showed up, looking like she had bathed and put some effort into her clothing (no grease stains!). It's a huge turnaround after the last time she attempted to go to court with Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib in tow; one thing that hasn't changed, however, is good ol' TMZ, who is streaming live outside the courthouse. It's fascinating, if you like staring at a horde of desperate photographers and random cars.

It seems nobody learned anything from Chaotic, the reality show in which Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were allowed to use a video camera and tape themselves.

Britney is threatening to release her video diaries, which chronicle her problems over the past six months.

The "Toxic" star is reportedly planning to release them online — or on MTV.

As well as rants about her mom, dad, sister Jamie Lynn, and friends, the singer, 26, reveals intimate information about her ex, Justin Timberlake, and her rivalry with Christina Aguilera.

Sources are afraid the tapes will be "explosive" … because people are going to believe every word that comes out of a headcase's mouth? Someone is giving Brit too much credit.

[Source]

Does anyone remember Larry Rudolph? He is the manager responsible for the Britney Spears America fell in love with, and he also played a role in her 2007 trip to rehab. Brit, of course, shunned him — twice — because why trust a guy you've known for years when Sam Lutfi is around, alerting the paparazzi to your every move and pissing on your mother's grave?

Here's the good news: Jamie Spears has convinced Larry to give Brit another chance and take her under his wing. We're not sure what Larry's asking price was, but we'll even pitch in a few bucks if he can turn the former Mrs. Federline back into America's favorite Catholic schoolgirl. Because let's face it: Nobody really cares if Britney's mentally stable so long as she gets back to being the picture-perfect pop star of yesteryear.

Here's hoping the third time's a charm.

[Source]

Kevin Federline celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend in Las Vegas and was booed off the stage at his own party. We're more interested in finding out who was watching the kids, because it sure as hell wasn't Britney — and at this point, they're probably better off with a monkey.

• Not all overzealous Christians vote Republican. [YouTube]

• The world's still not fair: Kevin Federline is being paid $175,000 just for having his party at a particular place in Vegas. Poop. [DListed]

• Clooney puts his money where his mouth is. Specifically, Darfur. His mouth and money are in Darfur. [PS]

• Does Audrina Patridge even like Audrina Patridge? [INO]

• Remember when this chick was Clarissa and she explained it all? Now she's a mother of two. [ICYDK]

• There's a lad mag out of France called Maximal. Sound familiar? One can't trademark chauvinism. [HT]

• "Cartoon-alikes" [CityRag]

• Babies with baby weight. How depressing. [Yeeeah]