NOW THAT KATE HUDSON IS OUT OF THE WAY… "Lance Armstrong is hopping back on his bike — and returning to professional cycling, the athlete officially confirmed in a video blog posted on Tuesday. 'After long talks with my kids, the rest of my family and a close group of friends, I have decided to return to professional cycling in 2009,' Armstrong, 36, said in his video announcement."
THAT WAS FAST "Just a week after being dumped by Lance Armstrong, Kate Hudson was seen out with her ex-husband Chris Robinson. Better than that, they were seen kissing in the street."
WELL, AT LEAST THERE'S NO HARD FEELINGS "According to a [Lance] Armstrong associate at his Livestrong charity foundation, the sports hero felt [Kate] Hudson was 'just too needy,' and was coming on 'too strong, too fast … sensing Kate was way too desperate, a woman who clearly can't be on her own without a man in her life at all times.'"
The three-month fairytale romance of Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong has come to an end, according to sources close to the couple: "There was no drama or ugliness — they just decided to end things. There is no hatred, just sadness." Fair enough, but what fun is that for us?
[Source]
• Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are really trying to keep their relationship under wraps. [DListed]
• Steve-O is being charged with assault after punching someone at the launch party for Paris Hilton's clothing line. Seriously. [ICYDK]
• Rachel Hunter had the audacity to put on a few pounds. [Yeeeah]
• Ashlee Simpson's baby bump has inspired her to dress like a hippie. [HT]
• Angelina Jolie's doctor just held the most pointless press conference of all time. [PS]
• Starbucks is closing 600 stores due to poor sales. You think this has anything to do with Britney Spears getting her act together? [INO]
[Source]
• The New Kids on the Block reunion excitement has plateaued. [DListed]
• Barack Obama: "Any fool can have a child, but that doesn’t make you a father." And the great speeches continue. [SH]
• For Father's Day, Kate Hudson let her kids hang out with new boyfriend Lance Armstrong. Because that's bound to be healthy. [PS]
• How Whitney Houston treated her stepson: "She decided to turn me into one of her security personnel. I was a teenager but I was walking around dressed up in all black with a Security shirt and she’d have me work for her." [ICYDK]
• Billy Bob Thornton is obviously a bit jealous of Brad Pitt. [INO]
• This is why we love New York: "Gov. David A. Paterson has directed all state agencies to begin to revise their policies and regulations to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other jurisdictions, like Massachusetts, California and Canada." [NYT]
• Britney Spears is being courted by Broadway. Nope, not joking. [DListed]
• The Guess Who's Eating Quiz. [PS]
• In all seriousness, someone needs to be keeping an eye on Owen Wilson in light of the Kate Hudson-Lance Armstrong romance. [ICYDK]
• "Xzibit’s newborn son, who was born prematurely on May 15th, died earlier this week when his lungs gave out." [SH]
Lance Armstrong defeated cancer to become a world champion cyclist several times over and ignite a nation's admiration. Similarly, Lenny Kravitz didn't let his total lack of musical ability keep him from being a self-indulgent ass who won't deign to take off his sunglasses inside and look people in the eye.
It's nice to see these two come together, inspiring as they are to both cancer patients and jerks, alike.
[Source]
Even if the rumors he was dating an Olsen were true, Lance Armstrong obviously had the decency and competence to swiftly break things off with the fragile, fragile bird.
Maillot jaune was seen last night hugged up to blond fitness model Kim Strother, who "loves to do gymnastics." Dude definitely has a "type," doesn't he?
Lance Livestrong is addressing rumors that he is dating Ashley Olsen, that barely-there thing 15 years his junior. This from Page Six:
"Ashley Olsen and I are strictly friends," the world-renowned athlete told us. "We have hung out amongst other friends, and she strikes me as a nice, smart lady."
She's a "nice, smart lady"? Golly, Lance, maybe we was wrong about you being the older one. Run along now, scamp.
• We're not sure why Queerty posted the above clip, but we're fucking doing it now, too! Sense in numbers. [Queerty]
• Lance Armstrong's daughters are so baffled by his relationship with Ashley Olsen they've started to bring her to school to experiment on. [DListed]
• The fact that "different looking" has come to be synonymous with "ugly" is a scary societal shift. [EBG]
• Drew Barrymore on the set of Grey Gardens. We presume this is pre-meltdown of her character. If not, crazy looks pretty. [PS]
• Grey of Anatomy fame got married. [INO]
• Jennifer Hudson: Oscar winner turned hang-outer. [ICYDK]
• Lindsay Lohan's enabler aims her syringe. [Yeeeah]
• Celebrity aptronyms. Fun! [CityRag]
• More of this caged bird. [HT]
• Smiths reference! Can you find it? [DListed]
• Ashley Olsen takes in The Police without Lance Armstrong. Before his time? [PS]
• Sexy animals costumes are weird, because they seem to intend to promote zoophilic feelings. [HT]
• "Daddy's Little Girl" tattoo right next to the crotch. Interesting, but not! [ICYDK]
• Winehouse and Doherty: The Booziest Show on Earth! [INO]
• Paris wears a camouflage miniskirt to show solidarity with our men and women overseas. Or maybe it was just "cute." [Yeeeah]
• Get green in '08! [CityRag]
• Nick Cannon attempts to defile another beauty queen. [EBG]
• Jossip Initiatives' very own intern Whitney takes an indefensible position. Good luck, and heat up my coffee. [Queerty]
36-year-old Lance "Maybe Cheated" Armstrong is reportedly dating 21-year-old bogazillionaire Ashley Olsen. Dates include her sitting on his lap and them making out in front of all their friends for hours and hours. Kinda gross, but the guy's a cancer survivor, so he gets some leeway. Do what feels good, Lancey!
Also: Who pegged an Olsen to be mature enough to look past a guy having only one testicle?
Listen, I have no idea why Eva Mendes and Lance Armstrong had their photos taken in some oddly abandoned building. Or why the two were together in the first place. Or what it means that they were getting photographed "behind the scenes at 'Big Red Book,'" but I like it. At least I like the look of extreme discomfort on Lance's face. Is something jutting in places where no jutted objects should be or is he just unhappy to see me?
[Source]
As his best-buddy Lance Armstrong toiled away at the "hardest physical thing" in his life, Matthew McConaughey was putting in some physical effort of his own…to get as wasted as possible. It was McConaughey's 37th birthday and he was in Sydney to celebrate in style. The Sun's piece made me giggle:
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY would be a shoo-in for my caner of the year if he was a Brit.
Here’s the Texan bongoed again at his 37th birthday bash in Sydney.
He’d clearly had a few sherries as he worked up a sweat moshing during a gig at his party.
If it wasn’t for his bandanas and posing, I’d say he’s a top man.
I love me some Brit slang like Mateo loves throwing his hands in the air and waving them like he just don't care.
[Source]
In the newest issue of Details Magazine, Lance Armstrong cleared up some of the pesky rumors about his close and personal relationship with Matthew McConaughey. Most importantly, do they have any cutesy nicknames for each other? Well, of course they do, but sadly, they are the least original nicknames ev-er.
According to TMZ, in the article we learn that Matt calls Lance "Livestrong" (where'd they get that from?) and Lance calls Matt "J.K. Livin" (after Matt's classic quote from Dazed and Confused). Mediocre work boys, C for effort.
Lance also jokes in the article about any questions of secret man love with Jake Gyllenhaal, saying: "We tried it. Wasn't for us."
Jake seems not to have his own Life Positive buzz name yet, but I'm sure that the brain trust is working on it.
[Source]
Lance IN Paris. Ha! Sex joke!
Finally, the real reason Lance Armstrong dumped Sheryl Crow's ass: She's not diseased enough. Luckily, there was ample fodder for Lanc-a-lot to make a serious STDizzle Upgrade. Page Six reports:
COULD it be that Lance Armstrong has taken a break from incessantly working out with his new best friend, Matthew McConaughey - to spend time with Paris Hilton? The two showed up to the Key Club in L.A. Tuesday night to catch the band the Vacation. "They came together, they hung out and left together," said our spy.
Expect photos of the two exercising together within the next few days. Paris on a bike sounds like comedy gold.
[Source]
• Guess which A-lister this is? Nope wrong. Guess again but imagine her reeeallly reallly thin. [ONTD]
• Nick and Vanessa, dress for comfort while travelling, juse like US! [Splash]
• Here's the deal, James Blunt. You get to shoot rocks at your fans with your little rock gun if the rest of us get to shoot rocks at you anytime we hear that f-ing song. [A Socialite's Life]
• Were Matt and Jake just hanging out with Lance to vie for the role of playing the biker in a biopic? My fragile heart can't take such sorrow. [DListed]
• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn's video acceptance speech for best on screen chemistry is actually pretty adorable. [WoW]
• Rosie O'Donnell writes like a barely literate middle schooler texts. She should fit right in at the View. [Junkiness]
• Sure, we've all seen the photos of Matt Lauer ripped, but check out these Al Roker shots. [Velvet Hot Tub]
• If this Celebrity Weighing Scale actually had today's celebrities it would be the most demoralizing thing ever. [Cool Hunting]
• Just to brighten your Tuesday: 10,000 reasons why our civilization is doomed. [BWE]
Editor
