Good news, Brooke Hogan! Your delinquent brother, Nick, will be released from prison three months early due to good behavior. Well, he may have been behaving appropriately, but the rest of the Hogan family failed at that aspect. Will they be receiving any sort of punishment?
The littlest Hogan will be back on the streets Oct. 21, so let this be a warning to all of our Florida readers: You have four weeks; pack up all your belongings and run.
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The Hogans have this weird disorder where they cry for sympathy and privacy and yet constantly seek out the media to further embarrass themselves. Denise Richards suffers from the same affliction, as do half the famewhores in Hollywood. Nothing newsworthy has been happening in the family lately — Nick's still in jail, Brooke's still parading her stupidity on television, Hulk and Linda are still divorcing — but the patriarch just has to talk to Us Weekly, this time about his estranged wife:
Without a doubt, this one is the most formidable opponent I’ve ever run into. You talk about dirty tricks: Brass knuckles, steel knuckles, cheap shots, tripping people up. I’ve never seen anybody in the wrestling business that has more dirty tricks than she does! I guess I taught her well.
Well, that most certainly wasn't a waste of time. Thanks, Hulk.
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Brooke Hogan has graduated from making public accouncements via her MySpace blog to whoring her family problems out to the newest issue of Us Weekly. In Hollywood, that's considered a step up. We just wish she would keep her mouth shut and allow private things to remain private — like the fact that she is no longer on speaking terms with her mother. Also of note, Brooke still doesn't grasp the concept that her little precious baby brother Nick actually committed a serious crime. The police didn't just lock him up for fun, as much as you and your family try to convince yourselves otherwise.
An excerpt from the interview, after the jump. CONTINUED »
It's times like these we're grateful 911 calls are public record: An audio was just released featuring Linda Hogan and our new favorite dispatcher ever, who gave the Hogan matriarch some tough love. See, Hulk was evidently stalking Linda (driving by her house while reportedly being prohibited by a court order), so she decided to follow him around in her vehicle for a while. As you do.
The dispatcher was clearly not amused, wondering why Linda would be following around a guy who has frightened her to the point of filing a restraining order. Dude, don't bother trying to figure out the Hogans' thought process. It's really not worth it.
To listen to the tape, click here.
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Unsuccessful in their attempts to garner public sympathy via MySpace and Larry King Live, the Hogans are now making public threatening messages that the family believes are from Frank Graziano, the brother of the man left in a vegetative state after getting in the car with Nick.
Sure, the messages are cause for concern, but they were played on the radio this morning by host Bubba the Love Sponge, who just so happens to be a close Hogan family friend. This is obviously more of a publicity issue than it is about safety.
Also? We can guarantee the culprit isn't a member of the Graziano clan. The mystery man threatened to piss on the family's grave — it's obviously Sam Lutfi. Case closed.
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Hulk Hogan took to
Unfortunately for us, Brooke Hogan has yet to write another award-winning MySpace rant, but she is still giving ill-advised interviews in which she lets us in on the Hogan family drama. Nick has been given the week off, as the current topic is mother Linda and her 19-year-old boyfriend.
I’m totally freaked out. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support. … I went to school with [my mom's new boyfriend]. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well. Me and Nick are two years apart, and he was right between us (in school).
I thought we were one of the normal Hollywood families. It's crazy watching it all fall apart, but I hope for the best.
You know what doesn't help your situation, Brooke? Speaking to the media about concerns you should be sharing with your family. We can start with that. Next week, self-awareness.
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All that whining finally paid off: Nick Hogan has been transferred out of solitary confinement and is now in a communal cell with three other juvenile inmates. Unfortunately, he wasn't released from jail and he still hasn't won his lawsuit against the sheriff's office for releasing his phone conversations, so prepare for even more whining from the family as they discuss how terribly difficult this whole situation is on them via telephone.
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The Hogans have been keeping us busy lately, and, true to form, today has not been lacking in absurdity. The family filed a civil lawsuit against Pinellas County Sheriff Jim Coats for placing Nick in solitary confinement, but another legal battle involves the public release of phone calls from the jail, which is causing Nick "extreme emotional distress."
Surely the maternal Linda Hogan can help us make sense of all this. Why wouldn't the press be sympathetic to the family's plight? In a jailhouse phone call made public, she explained to Nick the ways of the world: "Everything's public record. Is nothing sacred anymore? Everyone's out for the money."
Well, she would know.
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The Hogans seriously need to cool it on the bad publicity, because it's not doing the family any favors. The latest drama: That loser Linda was grinding in Vegas is actually 19 years old and has been a longtime friend of Nick. Speaking of our favorite jailbird, the family is trying to stop the release of Nick's recorded pathetic phone calls from jail, claiming a violation of privacy. Except a recorded voice comes on the line during each call to remind everyone that the call is being recorded. Nice try, losers.
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Linda Hogan, seen here grinding up on some tool at the Palms Place Hotel opening in Vegas, is on a mission to steal Dina Lohan's Mother of the Year title.
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There was another Hogan car accident over the weekend, this time involving Brooke, everyone's favorite MySpace author. The wreck was not Brooke's fault, and she and her passenger walked away with no injuries. Thank God, because can you imagine the world with one less Hogan to spew nonsense?
To make sense of everything, Brooke took to the Internet with a new blog post — that has since been removed — thanking her jailbird brother and his passenger who has been in a coma since Nick's fateful car accident, because their mistakes saved her life. Well, at least the passenger has that to keep him going.
You can read the entire thing after the jump.
You know what's fun? Listening to Nick Hogan cry to his mother on the phone about how horrible jail is. The great thing about the Hogans is that they don't really grasp the concept of reality — take, for example, Nick's refusal to sympathize with his close friend who will have to live the rest of his life suffering the consequences of Nick's actions. Heaven forbid Nick experience trauma for eight months when someone else will never get their life back. Nick is truly an inspiration to America.
Listen to the conversation here.
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Brooke Hogan's latest MySpace rant (which has since been removed) was obviously not the ramblings of a perfectly sane person, and sources close to the Hogan family are convinced she is headed toward an emotional breakdown. Apparently her parents' divorce and brother's sentencing have gotten the best of her and "she just can't keep it together." Gee, you think?
In other family news, Hulk and Linda presented a united front at Nick's court hearing earlier this month (Linda even wore her wedding ring), but it was all an act to show support for their son. That shouldn't surprise anybody, because Hulk has based his entire career on acting, especially as of late — he even admitted that Hogan Knows Best was scripted (gasp!) and he was wary of the entire idea from the beginning:
I was offered lots of [reality] shows when I was making my career comeback against The Rock, but I kept saying no. But years later, it was my daughter’s career and son’s racing career that we were thinking about.
We saw the Ashlee Simpson show and Jessica Simpson’s and Lindsay Lohan on the big screen and we just didn’t haven’t a vehicle to compete. But I considered it, because this time it was about the Hogan family rather than Hulk Hogan; they all wanted to do it and I tried to warn them about what they were in for. Now look what happened.
The point where everything went downhill can be debated, but we believe it happened when Hulk tried to base his family's life on that of the Simpsons.
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The Hogan saga continues this week with a lawsuit filed against 3/4 of the clan. The family of John Graziano, the passenger in Nick Hogan's vehicle on that fateful August day when he wrecked his car in a street race, filed a suit against Hulk, Linda and Nick, alleging they were negligent and are directly liable for the crash.
In the suit, [Graziano's court-appointed guardian Peter] Musante alleges that Nick negligently operated his Toyota Supra by racing another man in a Dodge Viper, a car also owned by Hulk. The suit claims the Bolleas were aware of Nick's need for speed and knew that he had souped-up his vehicle for the purpose of racing.
Musante also says Hulk purchased alcohol the day of the accident — August 26 — and that Hulk 'knew or should have known' Nick was driving under the influence of the crash and he failed to take appropriate action.
The Hogans are also responsible for Brooke's music career. Can we hold them liable for that, too? Better yet, let's do another series of Hogan Knows Best, but this time it's in a remote location and there's no cameras. And also, there's an explosive of some sort.
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• So, one to 10, ten being huge, how much of an idiot coward is Mitt Romney? [Queerty]
• All this Dancing With the Stars merchandise is really going to sap the class from the thing. [DListed]
• Why is this baby always so happy? What's her secret? [PS]
• The mouse click that saved this flier in Photoshop was the official death knell of Tara Reid's career. Oh well. [Yeeeah]
• Drea de Matteo gave her baby a slur for a middle name. [INO]
• Linda Hogan wants half of the Hulkster's fortune! Lady, do you know many beatings that man took at the hands of Sargent Slaughter for those millions? [ICYDK]
• Mischa Barton? Where'd she go? [HT]
Defeated professional wrestler Hulk Hogan was suplexed by divorce papers last week. Filed Tuesday by Hulk's wife Linda Hogan, the divorce proceedings append a relationship fraught with tumult, often publicly on the Hogans' reality show, Hogan Knows Best.
Exacerbating the trauma, Hulk found out his wife was divorcing him after nosy reporters questioned him about it. His reaction: "Thank you for the great information." We think there's a good chance he was not being sarcastic, in which case, funny.
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