EVEN D-BAGS INJURE THEMSELVES FROM TIME TO TIME "Jesse Metcalfe is 'doing fine' after suffering a fall in Monaco over the weekend, his rep tells Usmagazine.com. 'He accidentally slipped off a balcony and was knocked unconscious,' the rep adds, 'but he is fine and now recovering from some minor bruises in a London hospital.'"

Today is a historic day, ladies and gentlemen. No, not because of the presidential election — Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake Incarcerated, was released from prison today.

Amy was busy slowly killing herself at her London home while the love of her life stepped back out into the world. She later appeared "in an agitated state … with make-up smeared across her face" as she lunged at a photographer. Business as usual.

Blake, however, didn't enjoy the taste of freedom for long — he checked straight into a rehab facility, per the terms of his release. The glorious, romance-filled reunion will have to wait.

Amy Winehouse is back! The more tragic (and British) version of Britney Spears has had an exciting past few days, including a bad move with London police and a trip to rehab, kinda. People are calling it rehab, but she's expected to be released within the week, so that doesn't make much sense.

Apparently police had summoned Amy to answer questions related to assault claims (she hit a female fan). Because she didn't show up, the authorities are threatening arrest — but we all know that's not going to happen. Instead, she did this:

Glassy-eyed and wearing a Hilda Odgen-style head-scarf, Amy was carted off cackling and grinning through stained teeth to her latest London clinic. … American pal Blake Wood helped her into the cab which ferried her away as she rolled around in the back.

The reason for her hospitalization? According to her enabler father, Mitch, she has a "chest infection." We're sure that's it.

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Sad money puppet Paris Hilton has purchased an East London building that once housed a brothel frequented by horny sailors. It's an odd investment for the Beverly Hills chihuahua, but even odder is that, for some reason, she's convinced her new building used to be a pirate dungeon:

It’s just beautiful. It doesn’t have regular rooms but is more like a maze. It used to be an opium den and still has iron joists where pirates and thieves were shackled to the wall.

Somewhere in London, a real estate agent is cackling all the way to the bank.

SARAH SILVERMAN HECKLED OFF STAGE IN LONDON "US comedian Sarah Silverman was heckled on stage during her UK stand-up debut in London. Fans, who had paid about £50 a ticket, slow hand clapped and shouted they wanted their money back after the star's short 40-minute set. After the audience refused to leave, Silverman was forced to give a Q&A session as an encore after admitting she had no other material prepared. … Unimpressed fans shouted 'you're over-hyped Sarah' and 'I've seen longer clips on YouTube', before the star told the audience to 'go home' and the left the stage. … The Daily Telegraph's Dominic Cavendish described the comic as 'skipping away in near-disgrace' after the 'excruciatingly embarrassing' question and answer session."

Look what we found! A picture of Madonna and Guy Ritchie appearing like they actually like each other. Enjoy it while you can, because the divorce proceedings are already starting to get nasty. A look at what each divorcée is saying about the other, after the jump.

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Amy Winehouse is truly a walking miracle for the mere fact that she remains living and breathing despite all odds. Here she is performing a "concert" in London, although we'd call it more of a freak show than anything. Seriously though, how does a person function when one's body looks like that?

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Pamela Anderson debuted a new date yesterday at the Vivienne Westwood show during London Fashion Week. Nightmare-inducing disguise aside, we can't blame the guy for being ashamed to be seen with Pam in public.

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Amy Winehouse is still a total mess.

The singer was hired to DJ at a pub in London, which is quite possibly one of the worst ideas when it comes to Winehouse. Who would hire her in this kind of state? We get that she probably draws a large crowd of ashamed onlookers, much like a car crash, but shouldn't somebody realize that this is exploitation and insist that she sober up before hiring her?

For more pictures of sobriety, click through.

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Our boy Christian Bale will likely get off with a warning after allegedly assaulting his mother and sister in a London hotel last month, as long as he admits guilt when he answers bail in September. Normally we would roll our eyes at another case of celebrity justice, but it truly seems the whole situation was much ado about nothing. Of course, your mileage may vary.

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After being released from custody just a few short hours ago, Christian Bale quickly had his rep issue a statement to the media denying the assault allegations the actor is currently facing. Of course, we still feel like we don't have any more answers than we did before.

Christian Bale attended a London police station today, on a voluntary basis, in order to assist with an allegation that had been made against him to the police by his mother and sister. Mr. Bale, who denies the allegation, co-operated throughout, gave his account in full of the events in question and has left the station without any charge being made against him by the police. At this time, there will be no further comment by Mr. Bale.

We're completely confused at this point, as we never suspected the lovely Bale to be violent (except, of course, during his stint in American Psycho). So this is the point where you all toss in your theories on what really went down Sunday night in that hotel room.

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PHEW "Christian Bale has just been released from a London pokey. … Scotland Yard tells TMZ Bale has been ordered to make an appearance back at the cop shop in September."

$62.50 PER WORD "A short Harry Potter prequel written by JK Rowling has been sold at auction for £25,000 following a bidding frenzy. The 800-word story was sold at a charity auction in central London. The prequel comes almost a year after the last book in the boy wizard series, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, hit shelves. The author said: 'I had great fun writing the card and I'm absolutely delighted that it has raised £25,000 for two such worthy causes.'"

Despite having a career trajectory that resembles the President's approval rating, Mischa Barton is still enough of a prima donna to have skipped all her press obligations for her new movie, You and I, at the Cannes Film Festival. And now she's gone missing in London, the film's next press stop. Says You and I director Roland Joffé: "She hasn't pulled out of interviews, she's pulled out of everything . . . Her room is here, she is here, but trying to get the two together has just been impossible. We just don't know where Mischa is."

After watching the film's trailer, above, we can't say we blame the poor girl. That Russian accent is ROUGH.

This little guy, Oscar, is one of the world's most popular dogs among Hollywood circles. He has been photographed with the likes of George Clooney and John Travolta thanks to his owner, Dennis Gill, who sold newspapers to celebrities in London. Oscar recently lost his three-year battle with cancer, but his legacy will live on through the animal lovers of the blogosphere.

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• Ha! The balls are the legs! He's walking with the balls! Jeez, why isn't Amy Sedaris more famous? (By the way, totally NSFW) [Queerty]

• "Christina Aguilera or Transvestite?" [CityRag]

• Mariah Carey demands bodyguards stand watch at bathrooms she uses. Gather from that what you may. [Yeeeah]

• Madge's adopted baby isn't hers again. [ICYDK]

• Mischa Barton now lives in Paris, where there's cheese and butter in everything. Take that, all you mean dipshits saying her legs and butt are "gross." [INO]

• So, that little kid on American Idol is unstoppable, huh? [PS]

• Paris is in London being a real Antwerp. (YES!) [DListed]