It's no wonder Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears are such messes — with matriarch Lynne steering the girls' upbringing, they didn't have a chance. Now that Lynne's published a tell-all book to bring in the cash, she wants to turn it into a movie. And, naturally, she has the cast already selected:

Lynne Spears believes Through The Storm — which details Britney's troubles with drink, drugs and teenage sex — would be a box office smash.

Scary Movie star Anna Faris has apparently been lined up to play Britney and Lynne has Julia Roberts in mind to play the part of her.

Ba! Hahaha! Julia Roberts? To play Lynne Spears? That's the most glorious, delusional thing we've heard all day.

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Oh, Lynne Spears, bless her heart. The mother of three is still promoting that pathetic book, Through the Storm, this time taking her inane ramblings to The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, where she admitted that she doesn't know a heck of a lot. My mother used to always say "I didn't just fall off the turnip truck," but I'm pretty sure Lynne Spears did — the lady admits to not knowing whether Britney's first music video was too sexual or if she was doing drugs at some point in her career — and she thought Jamie-Lynn was a virgin! Ha! This, from the lady who allowed JL's boyfriend to enjoy multiple overnight visits. What did you think they were doing, Lynne?

Normally we wouldn't trust this story, courtesy of the National Enquirer, but we would have never believed that Britney Spears would shave her head and hold her child hostage in a bathroom, so it's safe to say that the Spears family isn't exactly predictable. And then there's the source, who was right that one time about John Edwards, so we can't fully doubt the credibility of this rumor. Instead, we'll just pray it's not true.

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again, y'all! Only three months after giving birth to her first child, the teenage mother is already knocked up for a second time.

'Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical. … Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding. She’d expected to have her period by early September.' A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.

OK, first off, why is Lynne furious? This is just another child to add to her pot of boiling cash cows. You know she's already got OK! on the phone for yet another million dollar exclusive. Secondly, friends are supposedly urging JL to abort this baby so she can focus on the first. It's a shame there's no way to avoid getting pregnant in the first place … perhaps some sort of protection? Oh right, they make that. And JL obviously doesn't use it.

Poor Lynne Spears. The mother of two cash cows (Britney and Jamie Lynn) and one disappointment (non-celebrity Bryan) has had a tough go at it lately, what with Brit going insane and JL doing the whole teen pregnancy thing. But even worse than that, she has been crucified in the tabloid world for her horrible parenting skills. This is an issue, Lynne says, because the woman who is potentially "a heartbeat away" from the presidency has been applauded for being in a very similar situation:

It's a totally different reaction. It's as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. … Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn—you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand … I just feel like it's been a very hypocritical situation.

Now, we're not trying to defend Sarah Palin here, but the situations were a teensy weensy bit different: She didn't raise her child on a Hollywood set, and she didn't pimp out her issues to OK! magazine for a million dollars. That aside, Sarah actually did get quite a bit of criticism for having a pregnant teenager — but Lynne probably only watches Entertainment Tonight for her breaking news.

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Oh, Lynne Spears. Watching you on The Today Show trying to justify how badly you screwed up in raising Britney was one of the most entertaining things we've seen in quite some time. Sure, you had to raise Jamie Lynn back at home, but it's pretty obvious you turned over your daughter's childhood in exchange for a paycheck. And no, sending Britney away at 16 to be a star is not the same thing as normal parents watching their children go off to college. Not in the least. It's no wonder Brit is so troubled.

• Just in time for the weekend: Drunk celebrities! [CityRag]

• DMX is behind bars. Try to hide your shock. [ICYDK]

• Pete Wentz can't stop being a d-bag. [DListed]

• Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears organized a mini family reunion, and somebody forgot to leave Lynne off the invite list. [PS]

• The latest celebrity to join Scientology. [Yeeeah]

• Jamie Kennedy can't keep it in his pants. [INO]

• This guy was arrested after assaulting someone with an 8-inch sausage. Seriously. [DListed]

• Lynne Spears desperately attempts to make nice with Britney. [ICYDK]

• Please tell us arm warmers are not the new trend for fall/winter. [HT]

• Poor Jessica Simpson can't win. [PS]

• The peg leg jeans have descended upon Fashion Week. Everybody take cover. [INO]

• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt had a secret date at the Toronto Film Festival, according to some crazy liar. [Yeeeah]

All those rumors about Lynne Spears' parenting book, Through the Storm, detailing Britney's sex life and drug use turned out to be false. Obviously. Lynne knows not to bite the hand that feeds her. But Britney, in a rare moment of wisdom, has still cut off contact with her mother:

While the book doesn't dish on Britney's sex life or drug use, it blames all of Britney's problems on her daughter's former managers. Spears — who already considered her mother a siphon on her purse — is 'upset' about the book, spies said, especially when she feels Lynne herself caused so many of her problems and issues.

We'd have to agree with Brit on this one; while we'd normally get onto her for not accepting part of the blame, it's not really a 14-year-old girl's responsibility to make sure her mother isn't whoring her out. And we applaud her for recognizing that Lynne is still doing just that.

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For the last few idiots left who look to Lynne Spears for parenting advice, consider this: The woman just leaked some of the "shocking" revelations from her new tell-all disguised as a celebrity parenting how-to in an effort to garner some publicity. The revelations include stories about Britney's sex life and drug and alcohol abuse, which would be surprising if the wise Road Kill Willie hadn't already spilled the beans.

Apparently Lynne claims that Britney began drinking alcohol at the age of 13, when she joined the Mickey Mouse Club. By 14, she had lost her virginity to an 18-year-old football player from her hometown, and by 15 she was taking drugs. Lynne details "the horror when Britney, just 16, was caught with cocaine and cannabis on a private jet." While Brit was the same age, Lynne allowed her to sleep with then-boyfriend Justin Timberlake because "Lynne thought Britney was in love and Justin was good for her."

So lessons learned? Lynne says she "regrets handing over control of Britney’s career to managers and allowing her daughter to be promoted as a sex object in raunchy videos at such a young age," which is basically saying, "I'm sorry those other people screwed up." Sounds like Mother of the Year to us.

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Five days, people, and the long-awaited, understandably mocked Lynne Spears memoir, Through the Storm, will be upon us.

The cover photo finds Spears, deliverer of Britney and Jamie Lynn, staring pensively out of a window, thinking on some unknown turbulence, surely considering how her daughters' money will help her carry on. And the tome's content is just as ridiculous.

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Why this is just coming out now, we have no idea: Lynne Spears ran over and killed a 12-year-old boy on his bike back in 1975. She was a mere 20 years old at the time and was driving her injured brother to the hospital in Kentwood, La. when she accidentally struck the child. A source close to the family blabbed to the Enquirer:

To this day, Lynne hasn't gotten over what she did. She gets that terrified look in her eye when she is thinking about it. She has told only a few people about the accident and always says, 'Please don't think I'm a bad person.'

And to top it off, Lynne's rep confirmed the story, saying, "It bothers Lynne still to this day." Obviously.

Just when we were beginning to think the Spears family could surprise us no longer. Touche, Lynne. Touche.

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Try as she may, Britney Spears just can't drum up much excitement about her new album that's in the works, even when she starts singing songs called "ATM." The lyrics to that fine song are as follows: "Hey Mama, I know it’s my cash you seek. … You know they treat me like an ATM, but y'all know that I’m too good for 'em."

Taking her frustrations out on her mother? Nothing new. What is new, however, is her claim in another song, "Already Bad," which contains a confession for Justin Timberlake: "I know you thought you were the first, but I had already quenched my thirst, I was already bad." Unfortunately for Britney, this would have been shocking had it been the year 2003. Now, after witnessing the head-shaving incident and Brit being carted away in an ambulance, that's nothing.

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Good news, everyone! (And by "everyone," we mean "Dina Lohan.") Lynne Spears will be releasing her memoir this fall after a minor setback that included her 16-year-old daughter getting knocked up and her other daughter having a very public mental breakdown.

The book, which will be called Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, will not be a parenting book, but instead it's "her story of what it was like being a mom and raising two very famous people." Sources say that, even when it was put on hold, Lynne never stopped writing, because "she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes." Also? She needs a paycheck now that both daughters are out of work.

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This is the last thing we expected to happen: Jamie Lynn Spears is already tired of baby daddy Casey Aldridge. Shocking, right? We predicted these two would be together forever.

It seems that Jamie Lynn 'has not wanted to be around Casey,' our source says, and the two look to be "on the outs right now, but not officially over yet." But since Jamie Lynn's mom, Lynne Spears, is trying to create a good public impression (well, as good as one can create for a pregnant 16-year-old), everyone is acting like everything is fine.

Lynne needs to give up on the role model idea. Is there anybody left who is stupid enough to look at the Spears family as an example of fine living?

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Broadway has officially lost it. After offering roles in Chicago to Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, it only makes sense that Kevin Federline would be invited to join the cast of Legally Blonde in September.

The former backup dancer and aspiring hip-hop artist … will test his song-and-dance chops in a trio of roles — including the UPS guy who inspires the 'bend and snap.'

'This is his chance to show the world what he can do,' says a pal.

And now that he has physical custody, sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 18 months, might join him in the Big Apple. 'This is his dream and he wants to bring the kids,” says the insider. “Jamie and Lynne [Spears] promised to help him make it work.'

The last things these kids need is to be on the other side of the country from their mother. Actually … that might not be such a bad idea. Let's just hope he doesn't attempt to rap.

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Britney Spears' family has done an impressive job so far of keeping her away from the likes of Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib. They've also succeeded at coming across as sympathetic in the media, although we might argue that they haven't exactly been world-class parents in the past.

And now they're reverting back to milking the cash cow:

The buzz at the Grammys was that Spears' newfound focus on her dancing is preparation for a world tour. Britney 'will be leaving the country in the next few weeks,' a source confided to Page Six. 'She'll train in privacy for a month, then go on a global tour.'

Yes, fabulous. Because what better way to cure Brit than to put her back in the environment that ruined her in the first place?

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All the Britney Spears news so far today seems positive. We would proclaim this a miracle, but the day is far from over.

First off, she has a new bodyguard who seems semi-effective. The ex-Israeli Army soldier, hired by Jamie and Lynn Spears, was once employed by Lindsay Lohan. Apparently this new guy has a reputation among the paps for being ruthless and keeping his clients safe "at all costs." Here's hoping he can handle Sam Lutfi.

Other good news: She's getting rid of that awful weave. Brit called up a celebrity hairstylist to help her achieve a "longer and sexy" hairstyle. The stylist informed her to put the wigs away: "This is crazy. You don't want to be crazy." We like this guy already.

Meanwhile, there are rumors that the LAPD may press charges against Sam "Piss On Your Grave" Lutfi because of his claims he drugged and manipulated Brit. Sounds like a great idea, so you can be sure that probably won't be happening.

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In the restraining order Britney Spears' family filed against Sam Lutfi there are some pretty amazing allegations. We couldn't make this stuff up:

According to the document, '[Lutfi] has cut Britney's home phone line and removed her cell phone chargers. He yells at her. He claims to control everything.'

According to a declaration filed by Lynne Spears, on January 28, Lynne and Jamie arrived for an intervention — 'Sam had told Britney that she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan, her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids, and that she does not deserve the kids.'

At one point, Britney 'picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, "What does insomnia mean?" Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.' Lynne continues, 'Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney's pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel.' The docs continue, 'He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain.'

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs 'to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun.'

During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, 'If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave.'

This guy talks about pissing on graves more than we thought humanly possible. It's amazing he has time to terrorize Britney when it sounds like he spends lots of hours lurking around cemeteries.

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