Tyra Banks and some of her top models attempted to show off how to smile with your eyes at the CW Network 2008 Upfronts last night in NYC. It's safe to say Tyra is still the only one who has mastered that concept, but we applaud Anya (second from right) for making a solid attempt. The rest seem to have just given up hope.

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Shoving my way through the streets of New York last evening, I saw a Hitler, a freshly dead Robert Goulet and a gent in a suit with a blow up doll tied to him in such a way that gave the impression it was giving him oral sex. The most common bad costumes were the "sexy" ones worn by hairless jocks; the ones the costumees try to pass off as silly, but which are actually just an excuse for them to bare delts, pecs and bis to a generally indifferent crowd. They're terrible because they're the costume equivalent of lying, and they're never funny. These costumes include: baby, pimp, marathoner, wrestler, woman, gladiator and caveman. (Hunter S Thompson and droogies are boring-ass layups, too, but for different reasons.)

All those: terrible, indeed. But last night – and every Halloween prior – I've winced at nothing harder than the "ethnic" characters; those fossilized costumes bobbing among the rest that the wearer describes as "Jewish" or "black." One would think as a society we'd collectively be over race as a costume, and yet every year oblivious turds pull out the shoe polish and continue to sap my faith in the educational system.

The dipshits in Maroon 5 had both sexy dudes and blackface guys at their party last night. Thanks for groping and jive talkin' the fun out of Halloween, privileged white men.

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Besides being a gallows for Britney Spears to hang herself – for now, just figuratively – last night's MTV Video Music Awards also proved to be a boring, insipid and massive forum for rewarding mediocrity. In short, Miss Teen South Carolina was there. Bravo, MTV!

After the jump, many, many more.

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