Maxim held its Hot 100 party last night in LA, which played host to many horny males hoping to score with desperate women. This event would have been the perfect time to lock everyone in and save the rest of the world from STDs.
After the jump: More pictures of "hot" people than you could ever ask for. CONTINUED »
The problem with the term "beautiful girl" is that girls are rarely, if ever, beautiful. Girls are pretty and girls are cute — and that's fine because there's a time and place for cute (the age 16 and prom, respectively) — but they're not beautiful. Women are beautiful. Women are sexy.
We're reminded of how many people ignore that important distinction around this time every year: the lad mag "Hot List" season, when Maxim et al group together the names of every sad, drunk, Botoxed, sutured, bleached, commodified and infected girl in Hollywood and try to pretend the resultant stable has sex appeal. We're sick of it, so we've compiled our own lineup of truly beautiful women. Feel free to suggest additions or complain.
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In its annual, consistently wrong Hot 100 list, Maxim magazine names Ashley Olsen the world's 47th "hottest" woman, but fails to include Ashley's twin sister, Mary Kate, anywhere on the roster.
We think Mary Kate's omission is due to the fact that Maxim's Hot 100 list is arbitrary and stupid, but leave it up to the New York Post to subtly suggest that it could have something to do with the young lady's involvement in Heath Ledger's death.
Click through for the Post's copy.
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• Some things don't ever need to "git dun." [BWE]
• The New York Times is now sparking gay rumors. Give it two more years before Family Circus is next to Maureen Dowd. [DListed]
• This just keeps getting better: Eliot Spitzer's number one lady was once the star of a Girls Gone Wild scene. [HT]
• It's NYC graffiti, son! Co-opt that shit. [CityRag]
• Carrie Bradshaw says she's angry about Maxim naming her the least sexy woman in the world, and that it made her husband, Matthew Broderick, question his taste in women. Understandable, but they should both realize they're getting mad at Maxim, laugh and then use that paper erection as kindling. [Yeeeah]
• Candy Spelling gets blog space on the Huffington Post? Really? Oh, cruel media. [ICYDK]
• Ashley Tisdale is a Muppet, right? [INO]
• Not all overzealous Christians vote Republican. [YouTube]
• The world's still not fair: Kevin Federline is being paid $175,000 just for having his party at a particular place in Vegas. Poop. [DListed]
• Clooney puts his money where his mouth is. Specifically, Darfur. His mouth and money are in Darfur. [PS]
• Does Audrina Patridge even like Audrina Patridge? [INO]
• Remember when this chick was Clarissa and she explained it all? Now she's a mother of two. [ICYDK]
• There's a lad mag out of France called Maximal. Sound familiar? One can't trademark chauvinism. [HT]
• "Cartoon-alikes" [CityRag]
• Babies with baby weight. How depressing. [Yeeeah]
Schlock rocker/incense fan (we're sure of it) Lenny Kravitz has told Maxim magazine that he has been celibate for three years and is waiting until marriage to start having sex again.
Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the mind and spirit. It usually trips them out, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm looking at the big picture.
Edited for Maxim, his quote will read: "Where I'm at in life, the women have got to come with something else, not just the body, but the face and lips. It usually trips them out, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm looking at the face and lips."
[Source]
Heidi Montag, after finally finding her way into the sweaty embrace of Maxim, opened up about her semi-charmed kind of life for the magazine's February issue. Naïve is much too light a term…
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• OH NO! She liked it, too! How humiliating. [HT]
• Here, the lowest of the Lowest. [DListed]
• Natasha Lyonne kicked H! Good for her! [EBG]
• Fur: Ugly aesthetically and morally! [PS]
• Nicole Richie and her frail, frail hips are afraid to give birth, and they damn well should be. [INO]
• "The Body of 2008"? Really? No wonder magazines are dying. [ICYDK]
• DiFara's is great pizza! But what about a greasy Anna Maria's slice at 4 in the morning? No love for the tastes of night owls? [CityRag]
• Paris Hilton hangs with the cast of The L Word. You wouldn't believe how many times she asked if L stood for laser! [Queerty]
How have neither of these gone away? How is do-nothing* Mischa Barton in say-nothing Maxim? We feel like a zoologist who's just seen a unicorn chasing a dodo bird.
*Before anyone starts in with, "She's got six movies on IMDB blah blah blah," how about citing things that aren't called Malice in Sunderland and You and I (Finding tATu).
• Janet Jackson's new track has barely any Janet Jackson on it. Yay? Nay? [DListed]
• Are these the sexiest women of 2007? Maxim picked them, so probably not. [CityRag]
• That's not a monkey paw? [Yeeeah]
• Jessica Simpson's reverse Midas touch has proven too strong for even Luke Wilson's jawline. [ICYDK]
• Already pissy! Good luck with that one, Dad! [INO]
• Labor strikes are the new black. [PS]
• And here's why: Because strikes work! Damn the man. [EBG]
• "What do you want to do with your life?" [HT]
Though you wouldn't know it from body spray sales, America's pricks are turning prudish. And because it relies on the attention of those very pricks to sell Old Spice ads, Maxim magazine has decided to follow suit and become refined.
Their first bare naked cover lady since going "classy"? Sarah Michelle Gellar, who obviously thinks highly of the lad mag's newfound idealism.
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Upon being dubbed by the "brohams" at Maxim the least sexy lady in the whole wide world, many women might already be attempting to steady their trembly hands while signing the release papers for their lipoplastytoxmentation. But Sarah Jessica Parker powers on, just like Carrie did that time she ate shit on the runway in those teeny shorts.
She says, "What they don't know is that one day I'll wake up fat. But I'll still be happy, just like I am now.
"I believe in the old 'sticks and stones' philosophy, so frankly their words don't come close to hurting. And it does not bother me in the least if people don't think I'm sexy.
Asked for a response to Parker's response, Maxim was too busy giving Out a wedgie.
Hey, macho straight guys, two girls getting naked together is called lesbianism, and it means there's no need for your penis. What's up with fantasizing about being in the way? It's like getting horny when you walk slowly up the subway stairs.
Many detestable things have made it into Mollygood's inbox. (It's what makes it like Paris Hilton.) There have been threats of violence, invites to parties in LA (I'll take the violence) and a cornucopia of foreign spam designed to relieve recipients of their money. However, today we received an e-mail so grotesque we felt everyone interested should be privy to it. Note that it's really, really [sic]:
Sure… she's a master of DUI's, a repeat-rehabber, and an ankle
bracet wearer, but Maxim.com
still loves the year's hottest mess: Lindsay Lohan. While she may
surpass Britney Spears for trainwreck of the year, she still looks
good in the photoshoot from Maxim.com
. At least she's still got all her hair, right?
Wrong, you evil bastards. Wrong on many, many different planes.
• "I doubt the Dread Pirate Roberts here will be scaling up the Cliffs of Insanity anytime soon." [BWE]
• In-N-Out's coming to NYC. Take that LA and cows! [DListed]
• Hilary Duff looking more uncomfortable than usual. [HT]
• Hairspray is out Friday. Travolta will remain very much in. [ICYDK]
• Maxim is still around? Still? [Yeeeah]
• Some probably untrue lesbian rumors. [CityRag]
When not even Dennis Publishing—the brains and raging hormones behind Maxim, Stuff and Blender, above—can get you out of your bra and straddling the hobby horse, you're officially more punk than all the girls who think they're blowing people's minds by spitting in public. Now that the 60s are over, it's not really rebellious to throw around your sexuality, but it'll always be radical to say to jocks, "Fuck off, this is who I am."
There's Moore.
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• Here's Oprah showing off that Oscar-winning-actress skill. [BWE]
• Margaret Cho chimes in with a Korean perspective on the VA Tech shooting. [JJ]
• Whoda thunk that the man behind "I Wanna Fuck You" might be sexually aggressive? [DH]
• Maxim's still around? Just get Cinemax. [HT]
• Aguilera getting swarmed. [CityRag]
• Baldwin says his wife made him call his daughter a pig. [TMZ]
• Heather Mills with an act of foxtrot on an intercontinental flight. Where was security? [Yeeeah]
• Photoshop Awards. [ICYDK]
• America's Got Talent boots Brandy, proving that at the very least America's got common sense. [ASL]
Editor
