A piece now running in the highly-ignorable News of the World claims that comedian Eddie Murphy and Spice Girl Melanie Brown only had sex three times during the course of their relationship. "But incredibly," the article states, "that was enough to get her pregnant," meaning we don't think the News of the World knows how babies are made.
We were blissfully unaware a third celebrity dancer was competing against Marie Osmond and Melanie Brown to become America's Starriest Dancer. But last night Brazilian dark horse Hélio Castroneves bested both ladies, making this the fourth season in a row a man has won Dancing With the Stars. We're not certain what all these male victories say about the voting public, but we believe it has something to do with women hating each other. (Do click on the link immediately preceding this. It is a New York Times article from the 19th century and it is funny and interesting in the same way many old people are.)
Huzzah! The latest season of prime time placeholder Dancing With the Stars ends this evening. This season, never have we wished more that a television show had unsung writers who could cripple it at will, but that is currently neither here nor there; the issue at hand is this: Tonight, who will wail with glee at being named the Dancingest Star and simultaneously sound the death knell for this bullshit talent show (until its inevitable resurrection in the spring)?
Will it be Marie Osmond, whose triple-whammy of calamities (in order of sadness: father passing, rehabbed son, fainting) is sure to draw some sympathy voters? Or, will the much more deserving Melanie Brown be able to remind America that the show isn't called Feeling Sorry for the Stars and finally prove to Eddie Murphy that "he don't know what he's missing"?
Our breath is bated, we tell you!
Former Spice Girl and current bane of Eddie Murphy's existence, Melanie Brown, has been accused of leaving her two-month-old daughter, Angel Iris, alone with her housekeeper for four days while she eloped with Stephen Belafonte.
"One evening of baby-sitting turned into four days!" [the housekeeper] tells Star magazine.
"The child was sick, there was no nanny, and when Mel called, she never even asked about the baby."
Lamere also claims she was forced to buy food for baby Iris and her older half-sister (Phoenix Chi, 8) out of her own pocket during the four days Brown was away.
Fantastic. At least the child will have abandonment issues stemming from both parents' neglect. It makes the therapy a whole lot easier to navigate. Until then, who's the lucky guy who gets to take this girl out on her first date?
More of the happy, derelict couple after the jump.
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Besides being a gallows for Britney Spears to hang herself – for now, just figuratively – last night's MTV Video Music Awards also proved to be a boring, insipid and massive forum for rewarding mediocrity. In short, Miss Teen South Carolina was there. Bravo, MTV!
After the jump, many, many more.
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Now, I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger, I'm just sayin' her and her lawyer's tightly choreographed maneuvering when faced with the question, "Did you ask him for a $9 million home?" makes her old Spice Girls routines look like arthritic lumbering.
PS What up with Larry King getting fresh with Mel B but walking on eggshells for Paris Hilton?
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Last night David and Victoria Beckham and dozens of notable names in Hollywood converged on the Geffen Gallery at LA's Museum of Contemporary Art in order to celebrate the British couple's arrival to the states. Dubbed their official "Welcome to LA" party, the even was co-hosted by actors Will Smith and Tom Cruise. Insiders who attended the event said it was a perfect way to welcome the Beckhams to the city they'll now call home, as it was grandiose, wasteful and painfully uninventive.
It seems that Eddie Murphy won't be doing the "Not My Baby Shimmy" made famous by scores of ethnically insensitive Maury guests. People magazine is reporting that a DNA test has confirmed that Murphy is the father of Melanie Brown's 2-month-old daughter.
"He's the baby's father, it's official," says a source close to Brown. "The baby is undoubtedly, 110 percent his."
Of Brown, the source said, "There was no doubt in people's minds anyways, least of all hers. It wasn't a surprise to her. She knew all along."
If there was ever a case for using condoms, it's that if you don't, there's a possibility you'll have to deal with a woman named Scary Spice for at least 18 years.
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