In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day—using 17 syllables or less—you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

Today's Someone Haiku winner is Surgeonsgirl:

hippie hangs from tent
awaiting rebirth into
future yuppiedom

That was fantastic, Surgeonsgirl. (I especially liked the acknowledgment that many hippies abandon their beliefs once they stand in the way of major profits.) Though DWF might have edged you out had they pruned their syllables by only two.

New Someone Haiku after the jump.

CONTINUED »

This guy won the Heisman, ran for over 11,000 yards in his professional career, nearly decapitated his ex-wife before also killing her friend and now he's written a bestseller. Is there anything he can't do?

Just minutes ago, the Los Angeles District Attorney's office filed their charges against defendant Lindsay Lohan, and there's not a felony amongst them. Only seven misdemeanors as small as Snow White's dwarfs. (It's better to start thinking of these things in childish, fabled terms, considering how ridiculous it's all become.) As luck would have it, possessing a little coke in LA County ain't no big thang.

As to why no felony charges were filed, the DA says Lohan's cocaine traces "were below the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing."

But there's more to the story: In deciding whether to file felony cocaine charges, the D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age — 21 — and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable — also worked in her favor.

Great news, every prisoner in California: As long as you had a shitty life prior to committing your crime(s), you're innocent—pack your things! And next time you commit some crimes, make sure they're done in a quick succession, that way it'll be labeled a "problem," not an "act punishable by law."

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Stars: They're just like Houdini!

With a little help from a wondrously slack DA's office, rumor is that Lindsay Lohan will only serve about four days in prison, despite two narcotics and two DUI arrests within four months of each other.

Sources say the D.A. almost certainly will not file cocaine charges in connection with her DUI bust Memorial Day weekend in Beverly Hills.

As for her July 24 arrest in Santa Monica, the D.A. could charge her with felony cocaine possession, and bringing cocaine into a correctional facility — also a felony. But we're told that the D.A. is inclined not to file those felony charges either.

That basically leaves misdemeanor DUI charges for both incidents.

It sounds like she'll be back on the road in no time. (Hell, she kinda already is!) Safe travels, America.

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Lane Garrison, whose love of fast automobiles is widely known, was just sentenced by an LA County judge to submit to diagnostic testing at with Department of Corrections. What's that mean? Here's the breakdown, courtesy of TMZ (who, of course, are having a shit fit the likes of which haven't been seen since Lohan got another dewey):

Garrison's lawyers, Richard Hutton and Harland Braun, have apparently asked the court for a "diagnostic." That means Garrison will be sent to a California prison for 90 days, where shrinks and others will determine if Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation.

If the judge goes along with the defense request, the smart money is that the shrinks will say Garrison is a suitable candidate for probation and the judge will agree. That would mean Garrison would serve 90 days.

Only 90 days for killing a kid? Why, had I known that…erm.

Exclusive Mollygood sources inside the courtroom say that though Garrison's case seems to be moving along in his favor, there was a minor kink in the works when, during testimony, Garrison shouted, "Yes they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!"

[Source]