Montel Williams, host of an eponymous talk show that's very embarrassing to watch, is being canned by CBS after 17 years. Stations that carried Williams' program will be instead offered a series of the show's reruns, which highlight the man when he still had the magic.

Above is a clip of "psychic" Sylvia Browne, one of Montel's favorite guests, telling the parents of a missing child that he had been kidnapped by a "dark-skinned" man, killed and disposed of in the woods. She was wrong, and the boy was found very much alive months later. Peace, Montel.

In the wake of every celebrity tragedy there first comes the initial media firestorm; calls are made, headlines are punctuated by exclamation points and, oftentimes, inquiries are easily shattered under the weight of a simple "No comment." Next comes the speculation conjured by the silence. Because said celebrity is unwilling – or unable – to speak, "experts" of every stripe will be paraded out to offer their takes on the goings-on. (In the case of Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, expect this by tonight.) Testimony and conjecture will clog the news and last for as long as the star chooses to remain mum, at which point comes the final media step in the celebrity tragedy: The battle for the big, explanatory interview. Similar to the original news feed feeding frenzy, this is the race to get a personality face to face with the person closest to the major event, hopefully for an interview filled with weepy revelations and childhood trauma. It's all vicious and it's most definitely all predictable.

Knowing that, who's it gonna be this time around? Who do you think is going to get the "get" and be the first to ask, "Were you distraught over Kate, Owen?" The three most obvious choices are above, though I wouldn't be quick to exclude outliers like Oprah (if Wilson was black she'd be the odds-on favorite). Montel Williams pays out 8,000 to one.

Once, I heard Montel Williams explain to a rapt audience of detention moms that he didn't let his children kiss him on the lips. He felt that it crossed a sexual line and exposed his kids to a range of identity issues. That day he also proved himself to be a stupid idiot you should never take advice from.

Kissing friends and loved ones on the lips isn't a big deal (remember "a kiss is just a kiss"?). When morons like Montel Williams teach their children otherwise, they're creating a new generation of restrained puritans who get outraged by bare breasts; and those people can kiss my ass.

More smooches under here.

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