R.I.P. TV "Real-life broadcasters get set to announce their fall schedules next week in New York, they're still scratching their way out of a trench, otherwise known as the worst season in the history of the network TV business. Not a single one of the new fall series broke through to a big audience, even the ones that looked can't-fail on paper, such as ABC's spinoff 'Private Practice' and NBC's now-dead revival of 'Bionic Woman.' Every network except Fox has posted significant ratings declines for the season so far, according to data from Nielsen Media Research."

BENEDICT BRAFF "Like a tipsy party guest, it's going to be pretty tough for 'Scrubs' to gracefully exit NBC. The network's final 'Scrubs' episode airs next week, concluding its run with the network after seven seasons. But you'd never know it from watching NBC or perusing the entertainment media. At the conclusion of what was the comedy's third-to-last episode on NBC on Thursday, viewers were simply urged to check out the show's interactive features on NBC.com. The usual array of creator and cast interviews that usually accompany the final episodes of a concluding series are likewise largely absent. The super low-key exit for 'Scrubs' is tied to what's become the worst-kept secret in Hollywood: that the veteran comedy is moving to ABC. The long-pending deal for ABC to pick up 18 episodes of 'Scrubs' for next season is effectively, pretty much, essentially, done."

TIM GUNN GETS NO CREDIT "The Weinstein Co.'s decision to take Project Runway away from NBC Universal comes down to the same two factors that conspire to destroy every successful entertainment-industry relationship: money and ego. According to more than a half-dozen sources inside or close to both The Weinstein Co., which owns the show, and NBC, Harvey Weinstein felt that Bravo, which aired it, had 'always underpaid' for the show while 'taking all of the credit' for its success."

THE TELEVISION WILL BE EUTHANIZED? "NBC Universal President-CEO Jeff Zucker delivered a dire warning today about the potential impact of an actors strike, saying it could be 'incredibly devastating' on network TV. … Mr. Zucker said the recently ended strike by movie and television writers hurt Hollywood, the state of California and the entire TV industry. A follow-up strike by actors, he said, could cause real economic damage. 'If we go through that again, I severely question … the future on the broadcast side,' he said. ' … I don't think … the TV business would be able to survive something like that."

Do you need television just as much as you need e-mail and texts and phone calls and pictures and IM? If so, it's your lucky day, you weirdo! Yesterday, Sony Pictures Television, Fox, NBC Universal and MTV all announced major mobile content deals with wireless providers like AT&T and Verizon. Now you'll never have to go without Nip/Tuck or look into the ugly faces of the humanity that populates your respective city. And because it'll be on your cell phone, you can just tell your kid you were doing business when he asks why you weren't watching when he scored the goal.

SVU IS UNSTOPPABLE "Oscar winner Robin Williams will make a rare TV appearance on NBC's crime drama 'Law & Order: SVU.' On an episode slated to air April 29, he will play a law-abiding engineer whose life takes a tragic turn, he becomes an ardent believer in the necessity of challenging authority."

IT'S ALL RELATIVES "If exploring the lives of celebrities seems a little tired, NBC has a solution: Find their relatives. The network has ordered a genealogy reality series called "Who Do You Think You Are" from U.K. production house Wall to Wall … The one-hour series is based on the hit British series where stars are shown the oft-surprising details of their ancestors' lives. In the U.K. version, the uncovered backstories included tales of bigamy, wartime heroism and, in one case, attempted murder."

We're sure you've heard: Thanks to the WGA strike, the Golden Globes were canceled, and it is completely plausible that the Oscars might also be canned. Huzzah! Use the hours that would have been spent gown-spotting in front of the television to play with your kids. Or, spend some time making kids (which we hear is all the rage).

Of course, not everyone shares our delight with the abandonment of the masturbatory ceremonies. Prone as they are to worship false Gods, Hollywood heavies are bemoaning the quashing of the golden statues.

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Fox Entertainment chief Kevin Reilly got the last word Tuesday with Ben Silverman, who fired him when he took over at NBC. The two were on a panel of network bigs…where Reilly told us, "I'm about as happy personally as I've been in a long time. Life goes on." But when moderator Barry Sonnenfeld asked the busy programmers how they fit in time for their families, the skirt-chasing Silverman noted that he is single and "dates all their kids." Reilly retorted, "I have boys."

Take that, queer! I guess you can take the News out of Fox…

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As his time at the office comes to a close, Stone Phillips, the recently ousted NBC News veteran, proved that he's got the class and dignity to match that impressive jawline.

Budget cuts cost the lantern-jawed anchor his reported $7 million-a-year job in June. But on the way out, he bought a car for his longtime assistant to thank her for her loyalty.

"She's still at 'Dateline,'" said one NBC insider, who confirmed the gift. (The source could not confirm the make of car, but I'm told it was an Audi.)

Solid name, solid dude.

One more of the kilted mensch after the jump.

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The incomparable and intrepid Matt Lauer took on Princes William and Harry the other night in an NBC News special. Certainly emboldened by the reports that his approach would prove far more professional than that of the 25-year-old tart given prior access to the brothers, Lauer delved deep, asking (and I'm paraphrasing only slightly), "How does it feel to be more famous than Michael Jordan?" and "Is it tough to make true bros?" Wonderful! Don't anyone ever again say that blogs don't matter when this is what passes for serious news. Unless you're from Al Jazeera.

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Despite reports to the contrary, both NBC and representatives for Victoria Beckham say that Beckham has not pulled out of her reality show. This news from Us:

“Victoria has not pulled out of the TV show," her rep tells Usmagazine.com. "She has had so much fun filming the show but it is true that she took last week off and is taking this week off to look after the boys and support David. However, she will be back in L.A. in mid-June to continue filming. It’s completely up to the network how long and in what format they decide to broadcast the show.”

If this is all smoke, and mirrors and the show never airs a single episode, it should be easy to mimic the effect the program would have had on you. Just go to Beverly Hills and then hit yourself in the head with a fucking hammer.

PS I should probably mention how much I would like to have sex with her. I am, of course, so very, very heterosexual.

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