WHO SAYS THE TIMES IS TOO POMPOUS? From an article entitled "Emperor’s Club Sold an Oxymoron: High-Class Prostitution": "Here’s the fantasy that the prostitution ring, the Emperor’s Club V.I.P., was selling Governor Spitzer about a young woman it called Kristen, who calls herself Ashley Alexandra Dupré: that she was a successful swimsuit model who’d traveled the world (as opposed to a singer getting nowhere with a boyfriend who’d paid her rent, as The Times reported yesterday); that she enjoyed civilized pursuits like dining at exclusive restaurants (actually, she’s been hoping for work at a friend’s restaurant); and that she liked sampling fine wines (no mention of the drug abuse she’d reported on her MySpace page). The site also described her as 24 (in fact, she’s 22, an age that might have sounded dangerously collegiate to an affluent clientele)."

• Wow! JLo's kids really do share names with a couple characters on an animated show about magical dragons. We thought that was just a joke, but we guess it still kind of is. [Yeeeah]

• In case you were wondering, nowadays, Mickey Rourke looks like a melted woman. [DListed]

• What does Kristin Cavallari even do anymore besides add pictures to her Facespace? [HT]

• "Rachel Bilson Is Pregnant" [INO]

• Mamma Mia, indeed, young lady! [ICYDK]

• Matt Dillon totes hates kids, too! Especially "celebrity photographer" ones. [CityRag]

• The New York Times ran an entire article about how being at some form of a computer 24/7 might not be healthy. Thanks, Times. We can always count on you to make common sense seem difficult and unheard of. [NYT]

Is the Times' Steve Friess harboring resentment towards acquitted killer-cum-accused kidnapper OJ Simpson? You decide:

Unlike Mr. Simpson’s famous “absolutely, 100 percent not guilty” proclamation when he was arraigned on murder charges in the killings of his ex-wife and her friend in 1994, this time the former football star and actor offered his plea without theatrics, a simple but firm "Not guilty."

Meow, Paper of Record!

This from the New York Times, that venerable paper of record:

“Andre,” said Mr. McKenna, “you look amazing!”

ACTUALLY, he did not say it in quite that way. It happens that the adjective “amazing,” pronounced with a bunch of superfluous vowels, is how fashion types, and also certain urban gay men and also one or two tuned-in heterosexual copycats, lately express their approval. Amazing has replaced such locutions as “genius” and “major,” which today sound even more old-hat than “fabulous.”

“You look amaaaaazing,” Mr. McKenna said.

More than the vowels are superfluous here!

Now then, Andre, would you mind braining me with that beautiful bottle of pinot? That would be amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.

If you thought Gwen Stefani's new LAMB line sucked, you were probably right. Here's an excerpt from the Times review:

If ever there was a reason for a pop star to concentrate on her vocal skills, it was Gwen Stefani’s fashion meltdown. Among the words I wrote in my notebook, until my pen came to a stop, were “blob,” “very last season,” “bad secretary,” “astonishingly bad,” and “Ditzville.” I’m amazed—now—I had that much to say.

In related news, as many bloggers have speculated, it looks as if the New York Times has indeed added Perez Hilton commenters to their editorial staff. What else can explain shorthand critiques like "Ditzville" and "blob"?

[Source]

Ummmmmm….so rumor has it that Perez Hilton has scooped CNN, the New York Times and Mollygood about Fidel Castro's death (HOLY SHIT, right?). And though everyone is appalled and WTFing and tearing at their hair as they shudder at the thought that an arriviste like Perez could have beaten out all the other media titans with information as globally important as this, consider this: Isn't that the way Castro would have wanted it?

[Source]

• Feast your eyes on the world's first drag man! [DListed]

• "You see your gypsy!" [DS]

• This girl's back and as ho-hum as ever. [HT]

• Ryan Reynolds says he has bad "gaydar." But unless you're gay, who cares? [ICYDK]

• Stars actually aren't just like us; I'd have wriggled out of jury duty. [Yeeeah]

• Trump's accused of having a mullet. His response: "A very rich mullet, fat ass." [CityRag]

• Thanks for this one, Times. It's alienating and impertinent. Perfect. [NYT]

• Can someone offer this guy a reality show where he fights already? [DListed]

• Wes Anderson's coming, and he's bringing lovable dummy parts for Owen Wilson with him. [BWE]

• Lohan during better days about two days ago. [HT]

• After reading this, you'll then be able to interrupt someone and say, "Actually, calling a deceitful person a rat is a misnomer," and then you'll have a brand new enemy. Fun! [NYT]

• Lindsay's attorney releases a statement. Surprisingly, it's not "Thanks for new Lexus, junkie." [ICYDK]

• Serena Williams showing more skin than I knew Jehovah's Witnesses were allowed to. I thought only Catholic girls did that. [Yeeeah]

• Brittany Murphy marries the Oliver Platt-ish bard who penned that astonishing work Factory Girl. [Us]

• Most of the time Paris gets pulled over, it's because the cops want to hit on her (no, seriously, she's saying this shit). [Yeeeah]

• Speaking of which, BWE takes you through the Paris case mistake by mistake. Clearly, not her fault. [BWE]

• Did you know Jessica Simpson has big boobs? [HT]

• What's that shirt still doing on, pal? [ICYDK]

• Goofball David Arquette likes weed? Next thing people will be saying Lohan likes coke. [CityRag]

• The New York Times delving in to the lives of affluent New Yorkers! What a rare delight! [NYT]

• Doing it while Nicholson's alive is bad enough, but this is almost sacrilege. [DListed]

• Beyonce is over down under. [SH]

• Live from New York, it's Scarlett Joansson's breasts! [HT]

• "Oh, this is my floor length dog walking gown." [Yeeeah]

• A day late, but not too late. [CityRag]

• New pics of Suri. [ICYDK]

• Yeltsin's dead! [NYT]

• CHA-fucking-CHING! Let the flashbulb holocaust begin! [ICYDK]

• Angelina used to be in a gang called the "Kissy Girls" that would go around and give boys "cooties." While Angelina's left those wild times far behind, sources say that, these days, the Kissy Girls remain the pussiest crew in Sing Sing. [DListed]

• Put out your torches and lower your rifles, Cowell says he just wasn't listening. [TMZ]

• Men in heels? That sounds even worse than Men in Trees. [ASL]

• In Touch proves they're slightly out of touch by giving only about 80 percent of their cover to VA Tech ("What? We had to give Brangelina their due!") [Jossip]

• Chris Rock being a stand-up, possibly illegitimate father. [INO]

• Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's, Orwell! [NYT]

• Well, it happened, but it wasn't as bad as you'd think and she handled it with dignity. "Get up you son of a bitch, 'cause the judges love ya!" [DListed]

• Brit's back and she's already showing her back end. Congrats! [PITNB]

• Wintour with a huge diss on Tyra, proving that models can't beat Vogue, they can only wear clothes for them. [Jossip]

• $50,000 for McConaughey's personal chef? What does that fucking guy eat besides weed brownies and margs? [DH]

• Jennifer Garner for Mom of the Year. [INO]

• Beckham's back on the pitch and playing some real soccer before coming to America to fuck around with the Galaxy. [PopSugar]

• Gunman was a student. [NYT]

Today, the New York Times asked, "Is it too late to bring civility to the web?" If Joe Rogan is any indication, yes, it is. But, in the hope that a short-tempered 40-year-old calling a heckler half his age a "cunt of man" isn't a Zeitgeist defining moment, I think we should all continue to do our best to keep the web genteel.

So in an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, today MollyGood will be ushering in a new feature called "Someone Haiku;" because what's more civilized than poetry, motherfuckers?

Each day—using 17 syllables or less—you'll get the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that's washed up on the shores of MollyGood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that's devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

The best submitted poem will be posted in Someone Haiku the following day, and the winner will certainly glow with satisfaction.

If you don't know how to write a haiku, a very basic tutorial can be found here (five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second, and five in the last).

This first installment of Someone Haiku will focus on Jason Wahler, "star" of The Hills who was recently taken into police custody before calling his arresting officer a "nigger," a "faggot" and a "poor fuck."

Too bad for Jason, but lucky us—nigger, faggot and poor fuck are only two syllables each! Here's a sample to get you started:

Can you hate someone
and also not care 'bout them?
What a poor, poor fuck.

See? Simple enough. Leave your entries in the comments section or e-mail them to me here. As this is the very first Someone Haiku, the author of today's best haiku will receive a MollyGood t-shirt, so that they might share their pastimes with the world while being slightly more stylish.

Good luck 'ku-ing, all.

[Source]

• Britney's ex fling looks exactly like the kid from oft overlooked Josh and SAM, and he talks like an idiot. [DListed]

• Stern says he won't try for custody when it's proven he's definitely not the baby daddy. [TMZ]

• Guess what: Brandon Davis feels entitled! [ASL]

• Avril Lavigne needs 10 bathrooms to handle all her bullshit. [ICYDK]

• Shape thinks outies are ugly. [INO]

• Kate Beckinsale sounding like a scumbag by claiming she wants Queen Latifah's body just for the boobs. [IDLYITW]

• "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs" [NYT]

Leave it to the NY Times to take the mystery that is celebrity nuptial agreements and boil it down to a mathematical equation. An equation that makes my head at to look at since I haven't done math other than working out tips since 2001, but math nonetheless. (Don't even get me started on the graphic to the side here. I had to stare at that for hours to figure it out, and it still makes little sense. I'm an idiot.) You know, since we needed an equation to tell us that most famous people relationships don't work out. To create this masterpiece, John Tierney of the Times writes:

I went to Garth Sundem, the wickedly ingenious author of “Geek Logik,” a new book of mathematical formulas for deciding questions like whether you should sleep with a co-worker, whether you should join a gym or see a therapist, and whether you can wear a Speedo without frightening small children.

I asked Sundem to set his sights even higher. The result of our labors (well, mostly his labors, but I want a piece of this scientific breakthrough) is the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, an equation for predicting the odds that a celebrity marriage will last.

By comparing the many failed marriages with the few successes (like Johnny Cash and June Carter, or Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward), Sundem identified telltale factors likes celebrities’ ages, marital track records and levels of fame.

Younger couples have worse prospects than older couples do, particularly if they rush to the altar before getting to know each other. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have only a 1 percent chance of making it to their fifth anniversary, according to our equation, and the most famously impetuous young couple of all, Romeo and Juliet, would have had zero chance of lasting five years.

Fame, as measured by Google hits, is no good for a marriage. The odds get even worse when the woman’s Google hits outnumber the man’s, as when Jennifer Lopez fell for a waiter named Ojani Noa. Our equation gave their marriage less than 1 percent chance of surviving five years; it actually lasted 13 months.

A crucial predictor is the sex-symbol factor, determined by looking at the woman’s first five Google hits and counting how many show her in sexy attire (or no attire). The skimpier the outfits, the skimpier the marriage, as illustrated in the short unions of Jessica Simpson (three years to Nick) and Marilyn Monroe (274 days to Joe DiMaggio).

(Sorry for the long quote, but the article is TimesSelect, so you must subscribe.)

The article goes on to doom Brad and Angelina based on this "sex-symbol factor" and Tom and Katie for, well, everything. Thank god, though, that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith will make it, cause I was totally worried about those crazy kids.

[Source]

It's not just about having babies anymore (what fun is that, what with the pain and the mess and the crying)–it's about being pregnant. As if you needed me to tell you, pregs is all the rage in Hollywood these days. Its the best way to deter rumors that your man is gay, the best way to have an excuse for getting fat, and the best way to ensure some positve press, at least until you start fucking up the kid.

It's not even just about being pregnant, though, its about how you're pregnant. The NY Times tackled this pressing issue in today's Style Section:

JENNIFER KOLITCH, a mother of four in New York, recalls with clarity a defining moment during her latest pregnancy last year. "I was having a very good hair day, wearing my Seven jeans and a black tank top with a black knit shrug and little black ballerina flats," she said. "I was shopping for a pair of sunglasses, and the saleswoman came up to me and said, 'Oh, you are so Angelina Jolie-pregnant.'

"It made my day," she recalled.

Jolie-pregant or Heidi Klum-pregnant is one thing, but imagine the horror being called Katie Homes-pregnant, or, gasp, Britney Spears-pregnant. That's enough to make a sane woman wish her unborn child never even existed.

[Source]