Scientology's biggest advocate and worst spokesperson, Tom Cruise, is addressing that whole misunderstanding in which he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch like a crazy person. Of course, none of it makes much sense:

There are things that I could have done better. I could have handled things better. I was surprised at the criticism but it brought everyone closer together: Katie's entire family and my family. Going through that stuff is not pleasant and I think it hit an extreme, but Kate's a very sure and confident and strong woman. She gets it, you know.

She gets that you're insane? That's good. And on to daughter Suri, who is constantly paraded in front of the paparazzi like a circus pony:

I don't want her to be afraid of people. I'm not going to live in fear or have her be frightened of people. She's very open and warm with lots of love and understanding. She's happy and fun. She'll just wave to people in the street.

Fair enough, Tom, but remember: It's one thing to raise a child to be friendly, it's another to raise a child to be emotionally unstable. We have a feeling you're teetering on the latter scenario.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME "[Larry] Birkhead will be showing off his parenting skills in a new reality show, to air on E! in 2009. He says Tori Spelling (who stars on So noTORIous with husband Dean McDermott) convinced him to do the show, telling him: 'Dean and I will support you. Why not? Your life is out there anyway.'"

Dean McDermott, the father of three who is currently in Tori Spelling's clutches, has something to say to the people who cleverly compare him to deadbeat and professional hanger-on Kevin Federline: "I take that as a compliment." No, seriously, he said that with a straight face.

Someone said when I first stared dating [Tori], I was K- Fed junior, they meant it as an insult. They thought I was after Tori for money and stuff. They thought that K-Fed was after Brit for money and stuff lalalala … and you know what? I said, ‘I take that as a compliment.’ I take that as a compliment, because every time I see K-Fed he is always with the kids. He seems like a really good dad, so it’s like, ‘Thanks for the compliment.’

Bwa! He seems like a really good dad? Really? Are we comparing him to Crazy Britney circa 2007 or perhaps a drugged-out hobo on the street? Are we grading on a curve? We desperately need to know, because no sane person would take being compared to K-Fed as a compliment. Something's not right with poor Dean.

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Lil Wayne, the emotionally stunted rapper who has no control over his own life, is about to take charge of another: A son. Upon accepting an award at the BET Hip Hop Awards over the weekend, he announced that he has a baby on the way and asked everyone to pray for him. It's going to take lots of prayers, dude.

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Oh, Lynne Spears. Watching you on The Today Show trying to justify how badly you screwed up in raising Britney was one of the most entertaining things we've seen in quite some time. Sure, you had to raise Jamie Lynn back at home, but it's pretty obvious you turned over your daughter's childhood in exchange for a paycheck. And no, sending Britney away at 16 to be a star is not the same thing as normal parents watching their children go off to college. Not in the least. It's no wonder Brit is so troubled.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas — even at the expense of children's birthdays, if you're Kevin Federline. The father of the year was in town for the Friday preview party for a new nightclub and had so much fun that he decided to stay for the weekend. One small problem: His sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, were celebrating their birthdays back in LA:

Saturday [Kevin] spent the day by the pool, then had dinner at TAO and hit the Lavo grand opening, red carpet and all, where he partied til 4am. It was more of a guys’ weekend, but a very good time was had by all.

According to a K-Fed friend, he loves his children, "but if he's having fun someplace else he'll stick with that."

Hey, remember when Britney was so crazy that everyone wanted Kevin to have sole custody of the kids? And after time went on, we were all like, "Hey, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all"? Those children are screwed.

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If you ever wondered how Matthew McConaughey got to be so crazy, may we present Exhibition No. 1: His mother, Kay. The lovely Kay has many great stories to share — did you hear the one about her husband's death?

On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go! [He was taken from the house naked because] I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift.

That's one of those stories we would never want to hear our mother tell. TMI, Kay. TMI.

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Hayden Panettiere's father, Alan, decided he wants a piece of the spotlight too — so he went and got arrested for hitting Hayden's mother, Lesley, in the face early this morning.

Alan was charged with a felony count of domestic violence and is being held on $50,000 bail.

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LOWERING THE BAR "Tori Spelling is writing a book tentatively titled Mommywood, a followup to her best-selling memoir sTori Telling. … Mommywood will focus on her life as mom to one-year-old son Liam and newborn daughter Stella with husband Dean McDermott."

Will Ferrell, offering thoughtful parenting advice to former co-star Nicole Kidman:

For me, talk to your children, at least once a week. If you've got time, do it two or three times a week. But otherwise, I find the times where I let weeks and weeks go by without talking to my children, that adds up.

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Denise Richards has received quite a bit of negative publicity in recent years for her inability to act like a decent human being, but now she has taken to her favorite tabloid to brag about what a great mother she has become. In fact, she's so selfless, she put her children in therapy! … And then announced it to the entire world.

My kids are in therapy. It’s very sad that they need to be there, but they do for now. On the other hand, it’s good they have an outlet to deal with their feelings and someone who is just their advocate.

Yes, that is good, Denise. If only the girls had an advocate who lived with them and cared for them full-time — let's just call this person a "mother" — who isn't busy blabbing about her children's personal lives to In Touch.

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The reasoning behind Living Lohan, according to Dina and Ali, was to show America that the Lohans are just like any other typical family. Luckily, the project has instead turned into a showcase of the repulsiveness of Ali. I specifically remember having this exact same conversation with my mother — I wanted a cat of my own, but I didn't show responsibility for the other pets — except things ended a bit differently. Now I understand why Dina won that parenting award: She has yet to kill Ali.

Click through for the clip from last night's show.

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ANOTHER CAT FIGHT "You want some risky business? Raise questions about Tom Cruise's mental health. Dr. Drew Pinsky, the host of VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, speculates in an interview with Playboy that Cruise's Scientology beliefs could be a result of childlhood 'neglect.'"

Good news, everyone! (And by "everyone," we mean "Dina Lohan.") Lynne Spears will be releasing her memoir this fall after a minor setback that included her 16-year-old daughter getting knocked up and her other daughter having a very public mental breakdown.

The book, which will be called Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, will not be a parenting book, but instead it's "her story of what it was like being a mom and raising two very famous people." Sources say that, even when it was put on hold, Lynne never stopped writing, because "she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes." Also? She needs a paycheck now that both daughters are out of work.

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Ever the media-savvy businessman, Joe Simpson has publicly responded to the same rumors we hear about him every week (he's a creepy control-freak), and his defense isn't helping. "The media says that I try to plan everything," Joe says. "If I had half of the power they give me…" Um, then what? Do we want to know?

He then went on to address reports that he's jealous of the men in his daughters' lives:

[Tony Romo]'s a great guy. I love Tony to death. He’s just a good kid.

I love Pete [Wentz] to death. He has a patient spirit and a kind heart. I’m honored to have Pete as my son-in-law.

Key word, of course, being "death."

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• Heidi Montag's sister, ladies and gentleman. (Site NSFW) [DS]

• John Mayer doesn't like Guitar Hero, because he obviously feels threatened by the masses who spend all day playing video games. [ICYDK]

• Gavin Rossdale was named best celebrity dad by In Touch. Because if there's anything a tabloid knows, it's good parenting skills. [INO]

• Jessica Simpson continues to infect Nashville. [PS]

• Vin Diesel reproduced — get ready for The Pacifier 2! [DListed]

• This is Christina Aguilera's idea of "mommy-daddy" time. [DListed]

• A member of the paparazzi has been arrested for stalking Jamie Lynn Spears. Um, isn't that his job? [ICYDK]

• "ABC breaks obvious, rude news." [QT]

• The Sex and the City women have competing Marie Claire covers. We smell yet another catfight. [PS]

• Pete Wentz says he felt "content" once he heard the heartbeat of Ashlee and Joe Simpson's unborn child. [Us]

We already knew Joe Simpson was the main reason behind Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo's breakup, but now more sources are coming forward to reveal exactly how bad things got with Papa Joe. Rumor has it he advised Tony to drop his agent so Joe could take over his NFL career and contract worth almost $70 million. How Tony managed to turn down that offer is beyond us. But it gets better: Joe then informed Tony that if he proposed to Jessica, Joe could "do the same that [he] did with Ashlee." Meaning he could whore out their precious memories.

But media-savvy Papa Joe fired back, releasing a statement that just makes him sound as ridiculous as ever:

It’s unfair to criticize me for what every manager does for his or her clients. And in this business, where people can quickly turn on you, who better than a parent to be working for his children?

Preach it, Joe! Parent managers are definitely the way to go, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Just look at Dina Lohan.

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