American Idol executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, explaining why he originally didn't want George W. Bush to appear on the show's charity episode:

We didn't ask the President this year to say anything because we are all a bit embarrassed about him, and the office insisted that, because the [primary] candidates were on it, the President would like to come on and say ‘thank you.’

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Angelina Jolie, on her non-marriage to Brad Pitt:

People have made a lot out of it that we’re not, but we both have been married before, and it’s very easy to get married, but it’s not easy to build a family and be parents together. And maybe we’ve done it backwards, but we certainly feel married.

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Lydia Hearst (who?), trying to start a stupid feud in order to make us care:

I went to college. I'm a supermodel. I have a legitimate career in journalism, television, fashion and designing. I'm a Hearst, not a Hilton!

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Ne-Yo, losing all street cred:

I gotta admit, we were like … Lindsay Lohan? I mean, I've written for Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Celine Dion and … Lindsay Lohan? But I will say this; we gave her a quality record and she did a ridiculously fabulous job. I was so shocked I had to call her and apologize for what I was thinking because she did so good. I think the world is gonna be surprised.

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Charlie Sheen to Denise Richards, via text:

I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.

What a charmer.

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Beyonce, explaining God's preferential treatment:

I can’t really go to church any more, which is a shame. People have come up to me in church during the sermon and, of course, people watch everything I do. They come up and take my picture on their mobile phones. They’re very nice, but I think God understands if I miss Sunday service.

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Tila Tequila, unsuccessfully trying to convince us she is done with reality television:

I wanna do meaningful stuff. After a while you reach your goals and then what? You just prance around like Paris Hilton all day long and feel like you have to find the next scandal to stay big.

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Angelina Jolie, reminding everyone that she and Brad have the perfect little family:

Our three-year-old and four-year-old keep saying they have animals in their bellies. Our daughter keeps saying that she's got little piggies and she has to eat brownies because the piggies need to eat brownies. And our four-year-old says he's got monkeys. So [my pregnancy has] become fun in the house.

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Jimmy Fallon, proving the point that he will never in a million years be as funny as Conan:

I was thinking of naming my kid Doctor if I have one. Doctor Fallon. Then whatever he does, he's set.

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Shia LaBeouf, continuing in his quest to make us kind of love him in a weird way:

I used to shit on myself until I was 12 years old. I didn’t stop until I got a job.

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Lil' Wayne, encouraging kids everywhere to just say no:

I don’t do too many [drugs]; I just smoke weed and drink sip. But I’ll never f–k with no more coke. It’s not about a bad high, it’s just about the acne: Cocaine makes your face break out, and I’m a pretty boy.

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Ryan Seacrest, proving he indeed has no taste:

I've heard some of [Lindsay Lohan's new album], I like what I've heard so far. Lindsay is taking it very seriously. She's working really hard.

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Mariah Carey, who seems to have forgotten about that whole laser removal technique:

One thing [few people] knew was we got tattoos a few weeks earlier. So anyone who saw my ["Mrs. Cannon"] tattoo wasn’t surprised. To me rings are special and exciting, but tattoos mean more than anything. They’re forever and ever.

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