• Seriously, how do people like this get through life without being beaten to death? [INO]

• A new book of sex scandal stories about dead famous people will be released soon. Rest in shame! [DListed]

• Surprisingly, prima donna actors are having a difficult time on the set of Nailed, a film by David O Russel, the director known to call his actors and actresses "cunts." [PS]

• Kiefer Sutherland looks to be off the sauce. Good for him, bad for Anheuser-Busch. [CityRag]

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have again broken up. Wah wah. [Yeeeah]

• America Ferrera, on moving Ugly Betty filming to New York: "I’m excited. I’m a little nervous too. New Yorkers are really cool." And don't you forget it, hippie! [ICYDK]

Dog the Bounty Hunter, fan of Hawaiian sunsets, capturing human beings and using the word nigger as often as possible, is returning to television next month. Cable network A&E will begin airing reruns of Dog's show on June 25 and new episodes a few weeks after that.

"It's not about ratings," said a liar from A&E, totally lying. "We know his heart. We know him and know he's not a racist."

Dog the Not-Bigot is just glad to be back doing what he loves: stalking and arresting destitute brown men for the enjoyment of people watching television.

Last night, Whitney, a 20-year-old student from Florida, became the first ever plus-size winner of America's Next Top Model. It's a huge step for the advancement of the belief that all women deserve to be objectified.

… this morning MTV announced it has greenlit the 21st season of The Real World. It will be filmed in Brooklyn, the reigning home turf of post-teen drama, and broadcast in 13 one-hour episodes in early 2009. No word yet regarding in which neighborhood the attention-seeking hopefuls will reside …

Please, please, please, please, please let it be Brownsville. It could be the first accurate use of the titular "Real" in the show's history.

• Best "Afternoon Aural" in a long time. [Queerty]

• Heather Mills will be a contestant on next season's Celebrity Apprentice. Because a $50 million divorce settlement can't buy a person the common sense to not be on a reality show. [DListed]

• When in Rome, film commercials you'd be embarrassed to film in America. [PS]

• "There was a definite shift in my life when I decided to [dye my hair red]." Amy Adams, an actress, actually said that. [INO]

• Ashton Kutcher says he is not opposed to adopting a child. We certainly hope adoption agencies are opposed to letting Ashton Kutcher adopt a child. [ICYDK]

• Teeny-tiny girls in high heels! Thanks, Beyonce, you maniac. [Yeeeah]

• Mickey Rourke has a posse. [CityRag]

SWEAR IT OFF! SWEAR IT OFF! SWEAR IT OFF! "… VH1 is greenlighting a reality series in which eight male teen idols from the 1980s and '90s shack up together and reflect on the highs and lows of heartthrobbery. After receiving mentoring from a life coach and industry experts, each one decides whether to attempt a career comeback or to swear off Hollywood for good."

Tyra's face says it all: Shock! Dismay! Why is this show — this woman! – still on the air week after numbing week? WHY!!!!!!

To each their own, we suppose.

Last night the fake model asked to go back to from whence she came was the one who "looks like a fucking dude," according to my roommate.

I feel very strongly about this modern-day crisis of self esteem. There's a real epidemic going on, and if in some small way I can help a woman feel better about herself, there's nothing better.

So says Stacy London, half of the bitchy duo from TLC's fantastically stupid program What Not to Wear, in a new interview with the Rocky Mountain News.

After the jump, see London mock a successful, talented woman for looking "funny" and dressing "weird," all in the name of improving the self-confidence of ladies everywhere.

CONTINUED »

• Auf Wiedersehen: "How else will the new non-Bravo Project Runway screw things up, aside from moving to Lifetime and possibly filming without Nina Garcia? By moving to Los Angeles, the city that pretends to be a fashion capital with its own fashion week but is really just a town where Victoria Beckham pushes her crappy jeans at Kitson." [Jossip]

• Dennis Rodman! Remember that guy? He got arrested last night for roughing up his girlfriend. Now, go back to forgetting about him. [DListed]

• Surprise: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were wed in a secluded island ceremony. Unfortunately, they did not stay there after the wedding. [PS]

• Whitney Houston's daughter, Bobbi Kristina, tried to stab her mother. No word yet as to how much of her rage Bobbi Kristina blames on her name. [INO]

• Forbes says Gisele Bundchen now makes more money annually than every other person who stands around and has their picture taken wearing clothes and make-up. [ICYDK]

• Pete Wentz is being sued for assault and, unfortunately, the case has nothing to do with his music and our ears. [Yeeeah]

• You want mayo and shrimp on that pizza slice? Why are puking everywhere? [CityRag]

Alas, despite reports to the contrary, Jennifer Lopez's upcoming "reality program" is not a reality program at all, according to People magazine.

Instead, the show, airing on TLC, is going to be a very elaborate commercial for Lopez's upcoming fragrance. People shut off from the world enough to tune should not expect to get a glimpse into Lopez's life as a married mother of new twins, but rather to learn about the intricacies of "the creation, production and eventual launch" of a branded perfume. It's marketing and consumerism pawned off as entertainment and, unfortunately, it's reality.

SEACREST OUT "It’s no secret that 'American Idol' ratings have taken a turn for the worse this year, so it stands to reason that Fox would start wondering aloud about what can be done to reverse momentum. … An online market research survey was issued last week and, while the suits behind the show probe every aspect of the broadcast, there is a noticeable focus on “'dol' host Ryan Seacrest. While all of the main players were included in the question, 'How important are each of the following people to your overall enjoyment of ‘American Idol’?' the survey asks participants to weigh in on two extra statements: 'I like the interaction between Ryan and the contestants' and 'I like the interaction between the judges and Ryan.' The extra focus has some wondering whether a hosting change might be exactly what the show needs."

The idiot Kardashian sisters are fighting! Apparently Khloe believes it's unwise for sister Kim to waste hundreds of thousands of dollars on a Bentley. Kim thinks Kholoe's just jealous because she can't afford a Bentley. We think they're both right! Click through to see them come to very weak blows.

CONTINUED »

Three Florida universities recently barred from their campuses Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk, when the pop singer/blond asked if she could visit the schools and consider matriculating. It's what's called nipping it in the bud.

… Hogan was denied admission to three state universities this week before touring Florida Atlantic University's campus Tuesday.

But it wasn't her grades that were keeping her out of the schools. It was her nine-camera entourage filming for a VH1 television show.
…
FAU administrators haven't decided whether Hogan will be allowed to film on campus if she applies and is accepted as a student.

The Real Housewives of New York, that band of calloused tarts who won't realize how much life has passed them by until they're gasping on their deathbeds, are rumored to be hesitant to re-up their contracts with their Bravo reality show. Apparently, the filthy women are upset that Bravo paid them only $10,000 for their participation last season. A pittance, especially considering how labor intensive the show is.

The true slap to the NY Housewives' collective, painted face is that their equally contemptible counterparts, the Real Housewives of the OC, are paid $100,000. Life can be so unfair.

OH, OF COURSE THEY ARE "Gary Coleman and his disgruntled bride Shannon Price are thinking about getting divorced. Gary … is taking this matter straight to Divorce Court. He’s reportedly looking for a little guidance from Judge Toler in hopes of saving the marriage before it’s too late. … Look for their Divorce Court segment to air on May 1st." Keep in mind that gays and lesbians in this country still can't get married, because the sanctity of the institution is just too precious.

• Somebody get the host of this show an Emmy! [DListed]

• A gossip magazine is reporting that Katie Holmes is sick and tired of gossip magazines reporting about her. [INO]

• Megan Fox is on the cover of Christopher Amueroso Presents Paw Print, posed with a real fox. Out of frame is the shark that she's jumped. Bye, Megan Fox. [HT]

• Orlando Brown, star of That's So Raven, has gone missing. [ICYDK]

• "Hot men who look like lesbians" [CityRag]

• George Clooney is tired, just like Leatherheads. Zing! [PS]

We thought reality television had reached the pinnacle of its dizzying, doltish heights when that production crew really infected an Amazonian village with the flu, thus killing three children. But we should have known to never underestimate Hollywood, where it seems the only unbreakable law is gravity. Now, rather than simply feeding the zeitgeist poison, the entertainment business will also be awarding those whose efforts best shrivel culture.

A category recognizing "outstanding host for a reality or reality-competition program" was created by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences and will be presented at the 60th annual Emmys in September.
…
Besides Seacrest of "American Idol," Mandel of "Deal or No Deal" and Banks of "America's Next Top Model," other potential nominees identified by the academy include Ty Pennington of "Extreme Makeover Home Edition," Jeff Foxworthy of "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" and Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris of "Dancing With the Stars."

Because where would our country be without Jeff Foxworthy and his show about how American adults are so goshdang stupid?

Hide your pups, Britons. Paris Hilton, known murderer of animals, has inked a deal to star in a reality television show in which she will manage a dog grooming shop in London. Says a source to UK paper the Sunday Star: "Watching Paris act out her Los Angeles lifestyle, in which tiaras for Chihuahuas are of real importance, should be very entertaining. And she will no doubt be hitting the clubs and parties over here in the same way she does back home." Apparently, coiffed show dogs don't have to be canines.