KEEP SENDING IN YOUR CRAZY FACEBOOK FRIENDS' STATUSES There's still time! We'll do a round-up tomorrow, so if you have any disturbing Facebook statuses from your sad Republican friends, send them in: whitney@mollygood.com.
Here it is, your Fox News briefing on just how frighteningly ignorant Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin is. Not sure what's scarier, that the middle-aged Palin thought Africa was simply the country where the blacks are, or that, had they won, the Republicans would be denying all this shit. What a rotten world.
The most entertaining portion of last night's election coverage wasn't on CNN or FOX News — it was on Facebook, where all of the crazies congregated to update their statuses in rapid succession. As you may know, I spent the first 22 years of my life in Texas, so 90 percent of my friends on the networking site are Republicans. I did not know, however, that most of them are also clinically insane.
After the jump, my top 10 favorite (and by favorite I mean infuriating) statuses from the aftermath of Barack Obama's victory — and yes, the picture at left is someone's actual Facebook photo.
Oh, and the names have been hidden to protect the ignorant.
Update: E-mail me any appalling statuses you find on your friends' Facebook pages! E-mail to: whitney@mollygood.com.
Barack Obama wasn't the only one giving a noteworthy speech last night — John McCain also spoke in Arizona upon handily losing the election to our new President-elect. His speech was everything it should have been: Inspiring, classy and full of "my friends." His supporters/"friends" in the audience were rowdy as usual, booing every two seconds and crying fearful tears as their leader attempted to explain to them that an Obama presidency is not the end of the world.
Respectable speech, John. Wish we could say the same thing for your campaign.
Actually, I already voted this morning. And when I went into that booth, I thought about how my battalion got deployed to Iraq four times! I thought about that and about my brothers that are still over there, so you don't talk to me.
-An Arlington, Virginia man to a GOP poll watcher attempting to hand him a sample Republican ballot this morning. Soon after the confrontation, the Republican volunteer, the only one at the polling place, gathered his things and left.
Arlington voter: Is this the garbage bag?
Obama poll watcher: No, that's the Republican poll watcher's literature.
Arlington voter: Oh, so the garbage bag.
Here, on Election Day eve, we have a new winner for stupidest Sarah Palin answer to a direct and reasonable question. Responding to a black supporter who asked about why he was the only minority at a particular Indiana rally, Palin responded, "We've got to be all about equality, the Constitution preaches," before noting that her husband, Todd, himself half-Eskimo, can totally understand the plight of black Republicans. Good. God. This. Woman.
Nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey…
[Source]
I woke up this morning to find a text from a friend reading, "Texas A&M is making quite a name for itself this election season." I groaned and pulled the covers over my head in an attempt to avoid whatever my alma mater had done to shame itself this time, but eventually headed over to CNN.com to find out the news: The Young Conservatives of Texas on campus set up an Anti-Obama Carnival, encouraging students to throw eggs at a picture of Barack Obama (video after the jump). Well, at least this stunt wasn't as bad as the College Station woman (and possible Aggie) who carved the backwards "B" in her cheek, but it's not helping the stereotype that the town is a "Texas hate community that usually loathes any African American who can't score a touchdown."
So this is the final straw, and I'm taking it upon myself to defend a school and town I love in an attempt to explain the unexplainable: How, despite all logic, these conservative towns aren't all that bad. CONTINUED »
Caught Gucci-handed by America's spiteful, Jewish, gotcha media, Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is struggling to do damage control at rallies across the United States.
Fingered by Politico last week as a hypocrite who hates elite people but loves elite clothing constructed by European homosexuals, Palin showed up to events in North Carolina and Florida yesterday in an outfit quite different from the finery she had worn to previous campaign stops. In frumpy mom jeans and earrings her mother-in-law made, Palin insisted that the $150,000 worth of designer clothing she received from the RNC is one big non-issue: "This whole thing with the wardrobe, I try to just ignore it because it's so ridiculous … Those clothes, they are not my property, just like the lighting and the staging and everything else the RNC purchased."
Hahaha. She's comparing $50,000 shopping sprees at Neiman Marcus to "staging" expenses! What an amazing lady who's really out to fight for the little guy and not lie like the rest of the jerks in Washington.
Fancy or not, we hope Palin's got a warm jacket for the trip home November 5.
Another former Bush staffer has publicly endorsed Barack Obama, and this time around the guy isn't black! There goes every stubborn right-winger's excuse as to why a Republican could possibly switch over to the Democratic ticket for this election.
So the traitor, former Bush press secretary Scott McClellen, isn't exactly a huge coup for the Dems: He published a tell-all about his time in the White House earlier this year, and he was highly critical of the war in Iraq, even calling it "a serious strategic blunder." According to McClellen, he's voting for Obama because "he is the candidate most likely to change Washington." We don't really care either way, we're just happy to see an answer to the crazies' flawed logic that Colin Powell only switched sides because he's black.
Does anyone else get the sense that these Weekend Update Thursdays only work because of YouTube and Hulu and the ilk? Because it's doubtful anyone watches this program on its own, but it is really convenient to have bite-size clips of it ready in the morning. Sort of like SNL itself? Discuss.
Anyway, Will Ferrell gave his promised cameo on the show last night, with a marked return of his President Bush character. It was funny! Especially when he referred to Sarah Palin and Barack Obama as "the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy."
See for yourself, after the jump:
Sarah Palin, bless her heart. In all honesty, she seems like a friendly lady who means well and just loves her children — but that's the problem. She has no business sitting up in the White House, assisting the Commander in Chief. If you have any last doubts about that, listen as Sarah explains the duties of the job to which she is applying: She has no idea what they are! The Vice President is not in charge of the Senate and can't "get in there" to make policy changes as she sees fit. Read up on this stuff, Sarah. It may come in useful — but Xenu willing, it won't.
Muslims voting for John McCain and his gun nut running mate are both courageous and rare, so one would imagine the Republican ticket would loudly herald the small constituency the way a botanist might a flower that blooms once a decade. One, it turns out, would be wrong. For their willingness to both see past the GOP's brass-bound ties to Israel and brave the hate pits of monkey dolls and epithets that McCain and Palin are calling rallies, Republican-voting Muslims are repaid with a whole lot of "get the fuck away from us before people think we support terrorism!"
To wit:
CONTINUED »
Threatening to box Barack Obama wasn't enough to prove Stephen Baldwin the craziest in his nut-job family, so now he's coming after the other team.
After Sarah Palin's comments on SNL this week that Stephen was her favorite Baldwin, the bass-mouthed brother took to the TV circuit, claiming he would beat down Joe the Plumber for a chance to become the next GOP mascot: "After Joe the Plumber and all the hype he’s getting, it’s making me think that to be the number one Republican kind of poster boy, I have to challenge Joe the Plumber to a UFC Smackdown.”
What does former secretary of state Colin Powell have in common with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the LA Times, the New York Times and the Washington Post? They're all in the tank for Barack Obama.
Powell, one of our most widely respected living Americans, appeared on Meet the Press yesterday to offer both a ringing endorsement of Obama and a scathing, overdue rebuke of the politics of hate, saying that his Republican party has become just too shameful, xenophobic and racist to support in this election. Powell said he will be voting for Obama on November 4, a decision he said was prompted by the senator's "style and substance."
Like the YouTube commenter who posted under a clip of Powell's endorsement, "Boy, them niggers sure do stick together!" obese drug addict Rush Limbaugh has already come out and said that he's certain Powell backs Obama solely because black people are a horribly racist fifth column out to destroy the white man and impregnate all his womens:
"Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race," Limbaugh wrote in an e-mail. "OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I'll let you know what I come up with."
Keep in mind that Limbaugh is an idiot.
Video of Powell's speech after the jump.
CONTINUED »
This from a GOP women's group in California, the president of which insists that she "doesn't think in racist terms."
WE'LL HELP YOU PACK "Stephen Baldwin, who has threatened to move to Canada if Barack Obama is elected, has now challenged the candidate to box for charity. 'I'd like to knock some good sense into Barack. … I wouldn't hurt him. But if he wins the election, he'll hurt me. He's a cultural terrorist.'"
[Source]
It's imploding!
Because the modern conservative movement has devolved into nothing more than an absurd circus of terrified ninnies whining about what consenting adults do with their lives, intelligent Republican Christopher Buckley has ankled his position at the National Review, the magazine his father founded more than 50 years ago.
Buckley had been receiving boatloads of hate mail from idiot fascists since declaring last Friday that any Republican with half a brain couldn't rationally vote for the McCain-Palin ticket, and today he decided he'd had enough.
Editor
