'POST' CRITIC BEATS MUTE CANCER PATIENT This story from the Toronto Film Festival explains a lot about the New York Post: "… the screening room was packed. Soon after the lights went down, a source tells us, 'a man in the audience started yelling, 'Don't touch me!' … Ten minutes later, the voice yells again, 'I said don't touch me!" … people shrugged off the disturbance. But a few minutes later … 'the guy stands up in the darkness and thwacks the guy behind him with a big festival binder. He hit him so hard everybody could hear it. Everyone freaked out and turned around.' The thwacker? New York Post film critic Lou Lumenick. The thwackee? Esteemed Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert. After battling thyroid and salivary gland cancer for years, Ebert, 66, can no longer speak. 'Apparently, Roger was just trying to tap Lumenick on the shoulder to signal him that he couldn't see the movie,' surmises our source. 'He was trying to ask him to move over a bit.'"

In a recent harangue to the New York Post, Vincent Gallo, perhaps best known for wishing cancer on Roger Ebert and having that wish granted, raged at length about Post critic Frank Scheck's assertion that the infamous oral sex scene from Gallo's 2003 effort, The Brown Bunny, might have been performed with a prosthetic penis. Speak on it, brother!

"Tell that hack to convince his mother, sister or wife to let me give it to her . . . and then she can report back to little Frank if she thought [it was fake]," Gallo raged to Page Six.

And then it gets oddly explanatory:

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