Next month, Chris Ciccone, the charming gent at left and the younger sibling of former American Madonna, will be releasing a "graphic and devastating" tell-all about his astronomically more accomplished sister. What a dick! But rumors say Madge started it by ditching the gay Ciccone for Guy Ritchie, who, according to Rupert Everett, is "uncomfortable around queens." (Apparently not the "Queen of Pop" kind of queens.)

About what Christopher's book could reveal, one worried Madonna confidante said: "He was there through the crazy years and has many stories to tell, I'm sure. He's seen it all. Oh, my."

If we find out Madonna engaged in premarital sex and recreational drug use, she's dead to us.

Rupert Everett, winning over the British soldiers:

The whole point of being in the Army is wanting to get killed. … Now it is the opposite. They are always whining about the dangers of being killed. Oh my God, they are such wimps now!

[Source]