Nationwide Insurance must be incredibly desperate, because the company went all out to promote its newest spokeswhore, American Idol laughingstock Sanjaya. We would not be proud to have the creator of the ponyhawk pimping out our insurance, but to each his own.

The most disturbing part of this campaign is the ability to Sanjaya-ize yourself, which will give us nightmares for weeks to come. Feel free to create your own and then send it to whitney@mollygood.com. Perhaps we can put together some sort of Sanjaya Hall of Shame.

SORRY, LADIES "Maybe the most shocking news of the morning: [Former American Idol contestant] Sanjaya Malakar has a girlfriend. … He tells the Hartford Courant that he's dating a girl 'who's still in school' — high school, we're presuming — and that they'll be doing the long distance thing."

In all seven seasons of American Idol, never have I seen this expression on Simon Cowell's face. The sheer horror and confusion were warranted: The performance he had just witnessed was, in a word, disturbing — and courtesy of former Idol winner Fantasia Barrino. Perhaps you would expect something manic from William Hung or Sanjaya, but this was from the "talented" individual who took home season three's crown. I'm unsure as to why they chose this night to unleash Fantasia, but it has to be encouraging to the two Davids (yes, Syesha finally went home) — come next week, all this will be theirs for the taking. I wouldn't be surprised if they both haven't already dropped out at this point.

To restore your faith in the voting public, click through and view what will surely go down in the record books as one of the greatest performances in Idol history.

CONTINUED »

Anyone remember Ashley Ferl, the crying girl from last season's American Idol? Little Ashley was starstruck by Sanjaya every week, and the producers were obsessed with the tween who sat sobbing in the audience. Well, she's found a new target:

During one of the commercial breaks, as Jason Castro took his seat on the interview stool, Debbie the stage manager called out into the audience, 'Ashley? Ashley, where are you? Are you crying?' Sorry, Sanjaya, it looks like you’ve been replaced by this season’s hair phenomenon, Mr. Jason Castro, who has not only received a slew of fan mail from the same girl, but has also become the object of Crying Girl Ashley Ferl’s tearful affections.

[Source]

• Demi Moore has a great new beauty treatment: Allowing leeches to prey on her. Which works out nicely, since she's with Ashton Kutcher. [PS]

• Amy Winehouse cleaned up her act! Just kidding, she looks like hell. [DListed]

• Priscilla Presley's face is all messed up because it was injected with "silicone used to lubricate auto parts." We're going to pretend that's also what happened to Jocelyn Wildenstein. [TMZ]

• Genealogists believe Hillary Clinton is related to Angelina Jolie and Barack Obama is related to Brad Pitt. You know who else they say Barack is related to? George Bush. [Yahoo]

• Britney knows talent when she sees it: American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook, this season's Sanjaya, was signed to Spears' label many years ago and was even mentored by the pop star. We can see that worked out. [INO]

• Denise Richards legally dropped Sheen as her last name; still no word on what she did with her dignity. [Us]

Last night on American Idol: Danny Noriega received the sad news that he is not Sanjaya 2.0 as he was voted off the competition.

Keep your head up, Danny. You obviously have a bright career in Christmas greeting cards ahead of you.

• Brad Pitt: He-Man or frat boy? [ICYDK]

• Anna Nicole Law & Order is on tonight! They don't waste any time. [TMZ]

• More talk of Jessica Simpson being a "tranny." [Yeeeah]

• Once Hefner's forgetting what year the Boobs of the Year exist in, it's time to hang up the silk robe. [HT]

• "Play lesbian"? [CityRag]

• I suggest you don't sign the "Free Paris" petition. [DH]

• Sanjaya, on I Love New York, nobody can hear you scream. [SH]

Yesterday's Headline on Your Shoulders marked the first instance of a Someone Haiku crossover. They were good entries, but unacceptable for HOYS. Sorry.

Also, as per readers' suggestions, the HOYS winner's headline will run above the photo it references the next day.

Today's winner is Kimberly:

O'Donnell quits, The View lowers the Barr

Excellent entry, Kimberly.

New HOYS is just beyond the jump.

CONTINUED »

For months now, Sanjaya Malakar has faced the wrath of thousands. At just 17, his mere participation in a stupid game show has provoked a level of hatred and ridicule some men don't see until they've made awful trespasses after a career spanning decades.

But it appears that Sanjaya is getting the last laugh. He's attending the White House Correspondents' Dinner, taking cute pictures with models and stepping out with huge feet, which, despite all the evidence to the contrary, really make you hope that this kid's packing a microphone big enough silence all the haters.

Congrats, Sanjaya! Now that you've proven yourself unexceptional, it's time to start attending important events and cashing large checks. That's the new American way, idol or not.

[Source]

• What are you guys, fucking Wilson from Home Improvement? [ONTD]

• It's gross, but keep in mind that it could have been much grosser. [DListed]

• I can't resist a Vada Sultenfuss reference. [BWE]

• Want an iPod signed by Britney Spears? No? Just think of it as a slightly damaged iPod, then. Now you want it. [INO]

• Love Hewitt shilling for Hanes. [ICYDK]

• How does someone with such an easy target of a name (Nick La-gay, Dick Lachey, Dick La-gay) not learn how to verbally defend themselves in 6th grade? [Jossip]

Well, the reign of mediocrity on American Idol came to an end last night. Sanjaya Malakar, the svelte, crustachioed king who for so long belittled musical classics—oftentimes done brazenly and sadistically in front of those who had originally given life to the tunes—toppled like the statues of so many cruel despots to come before him. And boy did he cry.

Seriously though, Sanjaya, when thousands of people hate you for being who you are—in this case a 17-year-old kid with a touch of talent and a lot of hope—it usually means that you're doing something right. We'll kinda miss you. But this family won't. And if they get this big of a kick out of you being sad, you probably shouldn't care if they like you or not.