NY DOESN'T HEART YOU One out of 10 women who ride New York City's subways will be fondled.

R Kelly, the reprehensible genius behind the Trapped in the Closet series and a plethora of songs about having sex with things, is facing mounting evidence in his child pornography trial, which will begin jury selection later this week.

The singer is facing a host of charges stemming from a video said to portray him having sex with and urinating on a 13-year-old girl. Though the alleged victim of Kelly's abuse — now 23 — has for years denied a sexual relationship with Kelly, a new female witness for the prosecution will reportedly admit to having a threesome with Kelly and the underage girl.

In the past, three other women have filed civil suits against Kelly in which they claimed to have had sex with him before they were 17, and a fourth was paid a settlement to not sue. In 1994, a 27-year-old Kelly illegally married the now late Aaliyah, who was then then 15, by falsifying the marriage license and claiming she was 18 years old.

THE WORLD IS A GHETTO "A former top Hollywood studio lawyer and his wife were on Monday sentenced by a Los Angeles judge after admitting to mistreating their Filipino maid in a case of 'modern-day slavery,' a court heard…In passing sentence, [the judge] said [they] had treated the victim, former schoolteacher Nena Ruiz, worse than [a] dog. Ruiz was forced to eat three-day-old food and to sleep on a dog basket after working 18 hours a day. Over the course of several months' employment between 2001 and 2002 she was paid only 300 dollars…Ruiz finally fled after she was hit in the mouth with a water bottle in February 2002."

ASHES TO ASHES The scuzzy geniuses at TMZ have again scoffed at morality and are delivering a live feed from IKE TURNER'S FUNERAL. Thanks to them, from the discomfort of your cubicle, you can ogle the people who turn out to ogle Ike's dead body. Hurry and check it out before Levin et al get a conscience and shut off the camera. JUST KIDDING! Take your time.