Britney graces her millionth cover of Rolling Stone next month as an obligatory stop on the Spears Comeback Train, but instead of reassuring the masses, the interview has caused us to grow even more concerned.

To kick things off, the interviewer admitted that she was never left alone with the star and the entire process was "rigorously micromanaged." Then Britney admits that she feels "like an old person" thanks to her 9:30 p.m. bedtime and lack of a social life. But the real shocking-but-not-really part came when she discussed her children:

[Sean Preston and Jayden James] are starting to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the f-word now sometimes. He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.

Yep, those kids are officially up a creek without a paddle.

Britney Spears was welcomed by a throng of paparazzi when she arrived in New York City this week, but the singer didn't experience the usual fanfare when she stopped by NYC radio station Z-100 to promote her new single — because nobody knew she was coming. According to a station rep, the crew randomly "received a call from the Spears camp saying she was just two blocks away and wanted to come in" — and she was only accompanied by manager Larry Rudolph. Well, we're pleased to see that she needs just one person around to reign in the crazy.

The interview included a segment where Brit got nostalgic about the old days, before she lost her mind: "I wish I still had my apartment here … I love [New York City]." We agree that she would perhaps be less of a freak show in Manhattan, but we would prefer the madness to stay on the opposite side of the country. Besides, her poor kids have enough to worry about without having to move thousands of miles away from their not-so-stable environment.

Meanwhile, Brit hit up a Broadway show last night and looked as good as ever. You can't even tell she has a rat's nest on her head! Things are looking up.

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What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas — even at the expense of children's birthdays, if you're Kevin Federline. The father of the year was in town for the Friday preview party for a new nightclub and had so much fun that he decided to stay for the weekend. One small problem: His sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James, were celebrating their birthdays back in LA:

Saturday [Kevin] spent the day by the pool, then had dinner at TAO and hit the Lavo grand opening, red carpet and all, where he partied til 4am. It was more of a guys’ weekend, but a very good time was had by all.

According to a K-Fed friend, he loves his children, "but if he's having fun someplace else he'll stick with that."

Hey, remember when Britney was so crazy that everyone wanted Kevin to have sole custody of the kids? And after time went on, we were all like, "Hey, maybe he's not such a bad guy after all"? Those children are screwed.

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• Brad Altman made an honest man out of Sulu. [DListed]

• Since when is 15-year-old Nick Jonas rumored to be dating Kim Kardashian? [ICYDK]

• Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag debut the latest Hollywood trend. [HT]

• Britney Spears threw a birthday party for her two kids; everyone survived. [PS]

• Nicole Kidman isn't letting anyone catch a glimpse of daughter Sunday Rose. [INO]

• A brief description of Matthew McConaughey's new Oscar-worthy movie: "The dude needs a wave, and there’s never been a drought like this." [Yeeeah]

Oh, Britney. Britney, Britney, Britney. You just make it so easy sometimes. Did you have to include the bag of Cheetos in your "Look, I'm a good mom!" photo shoot?

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A year after Britney Spears' infamous OK! magazine interview that wasn't, the singer returned to show off her newly acquired basic social skills. Among the self-aware realizations include her desire to keep her kids out of Hollywood: "I'd just as soon they have a more normal childhood," Brit says, scoring points for mothering skills and the ability to form a coherent sentence.

Her father, Jamie, also spoke to the mag, presumably because that's the only way he got a piece of the paycheck:

Kevin [Federline] is all for everything. He wants her to have 50/50 custody. He wants them to raise these kids together. Kevin’s heart is right.

[My relationship with Britney] is new for both of us. She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot.

Alright Jamie, we'll give you a pass for the Kevin comment because we, too, reached a point where K-Fed seemed like Father of the Year. But you should probably stop talking to the media and get back to work — Brit still has a long way to go.

Uh oh! Just one day after we were called "assy" for daring to suggest that Britney Spears should focus her energy on things other than making a new pop album, the perennially hysterical singer has lost a long-standing custody dispute with her ex-husband, self-styled pimp Kevin Federline (of the Fresno Federlines). Under the ruling, Federline will retain sole legal and physical custody of the couple's two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Spears will continue to be allowed twice a week visitation and once a week monitored overnights.

Sad, but don't feel too bad for Britney, she can use the emotions this decision will inevitably yield to liven up her new record. We can see the hits now: "My Kids Aren't Coming Home Tonight (So Stay a While Longer)" and "I Just Wanna Dance and Forget About Motherfuckin' Family Court. Shit! Goddammit!"

BABY STEPS "Sources tell us [Britney Spears], who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the [commissioner] agreed in court today she's ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight."

BABY STEPS "Britney Spears has gained more visitation of her two young sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James — though how much more is unclear. [Kevin Federline]'s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, said after the court hearing today that he wouldn't talk about the custodial timeshare between Brit and K-Fed — except to say that it is 'more than it has been.'"

Kevin Federline celebrated his 30th birthday this weekend in Las Vegas and was booed off the stage at his own party. We're more interested in finding out who was watching the kids, because it sure as hell wasn't Britney — and at this point, they're probably better off with a monkey.

Broadway has officially lost it. After offering roles in Chicago to Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, it only makes sense that Kevin Federline would be invited to join the cast of Legally Blonde in September.

The former backup dancer and aspiring hip-hop artist … will test his song-and-dance chops in a trio of roles — including the UPS guy who inspires the 'bend and snap.'

'This is his chance to show the world what he can do,' says a pal.

And now that he has physical custody, sons Sean, 2, and Jayden, 18 months, might join him in the Big Apple. 'This is his dream and he wants to bring the kids,” says the insider. “Jamie and Lynne [Spears] promised to help him make it work.'

The last things these kids need is to be on the other side of the country from their mother. Actually … that might not be such a bad idea. Let's just hope he doesn't attempt to rap.

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Although it seemed like a good idea to allow Britney Spears visitation with her children, the kids don't seem to be coping with the arrangement as well as hoped.

Sean Preston has been sleeping in the same room as father Kevin Federline lately because he’s been having nightmares.

According to insiders, Preston, 2, also cried for his dad at first when Britney picked them up, but Kevin soothed him and he settled down.

Britney has her own way of trying to soothe her sons. 'Britney always sings to them. She loves lullabies.'

The boys are said to be confused when it comes to their mom.

Welcome to the club, boys.

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A judge today ruled that Britney Spears may not drive with her two sons in the car. The court's decision follows on the heels of Spears' widely-ballyhooed, hasty-but-graceful dash through a red light. And just last night she was seen driving her children while wearing sunglasses. Nice.

Whaddya mean impaired vision, your honor?

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According to TMZ, the primary reason Britney Spears lost custody of her children was her failure to traverse the proper bureaucratic channels.

Britney was supposed to sign a document that would have given the green light for a custody evaluator to conduct psychological evaluations. Commissioner Gordon ordered Spears to get the signed document to Mark Vincent Kaplan, K-Fed's lawyer, by Monday at 10:00 AM or appear in court. She did neither.

The judge ordered both Kevin and Britney to submit proof they had valid California driver's licenses and insurance. He also ordered that neither party drive with the children if they didn't have the proper license. Over the weekend, TMZ posted video of Spears driving with the kids in Malibu. She did not have a California license and still doesn't.

But who likes the DMV? One can't begrudge her for not wanting to go there. Ah, but then there's all that unabashed drinking to consider.

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In an effort to bolster the ever-assailed decorum of the Internet, Mollygood looks to poetry with Someone Haiku. Each day—using 17 syllables or less—you’re given the opportunity to wax poetic about some piece of flotsam or jetsam that’s washed up on the shores of Mollygood. Hopefully this Zen practice will not only bathe you in self-discovery, but also bring a touch of Eastern class to a global network of information that’s devolved into nothing more than tit websites and provocative MySpace pictures.

Today's Someone Haiku winner is lale:

Angry lesbian
meets terrorist anarchists.
Closed minds think alike.

Cheers, lale, despite the complaint.

New one after the jump.

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Just hours after losing custodial rights to her children for her clear disregard of court mandates, one would hope that Britney Spears would go home and ponder her wrong turns and how she might keep her life from capsizing. Those hopes would be dashed:

An ass-flashing Spears showed up to the Peninsula Hotel last night, where hotel security flanked the popwreck and tried to chase away any photogs who ventured onto the property.

Ass-flashing, mind you.

Today, Britney Spears lost physical custody of her kids to their father, Kevin Federline, in the conclusion of a lengthy court case that Spears seemed almost uninterested in winning. Expect Spears' next defeats to be her will to live succumbing to the weight of her daunting depression, followed by her renal system losing out to the pills. Tremendously sad, but probably true.

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It would appear that Jayden and Sean are well aware of their ex-bodyguard's frightening new accounts, published today in Page Six: "…at times she would drive through town and go into oncoming traffic and we just didn't understand what she was doing or what her motivation was." Why, paranoia and vertigo caused by drug abuse and constant attention, of course.

Under here, more of these cute li'l babes bracing for impact.

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