CHARLOTTE IS A LADY "Monday afternoon, some fuzzy — and certainly not safe for work — photos began to spread like wildfire on the Internet claiming to be shots of Sex and the City star Kristin Davis caught in the middle of a very private act. … 'This is not a photo of Kristin Davis,' a rep for the actress tells OK!. 'There is no sex tape.'"
Perez Hilton, the pastel git who's so famous he's not really our competition so much as our cautionary tale, is indeed ugly on the inside, too.
A taut, handsome, gay gossip blogger named Jonathan Jaxson tells Page Six that Hilton promised him hot leads for his blog in exchange for sexually explicit footage. Unfortch, the arriviste foolishly agreed, sending Hilton numerous clips of him masturbating and even meeting with him personally a couple times for some tickling or whatever.
And then: not a damn thing! Hilton took the amateur porno and ran, leaving JJ alone, his thumb literally up his ass and without any insidery material for his blog. (Fucking duh!) "I fell in love with Perez," said Jaxson, "I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he's just a [bleep]hole."
As of this posting, Jaxson has not updated his blog since yesterday afternoon, but commenters wait for no man:
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Kiss bassist/celebrity apprentice/father/creep Gene Simmons loves to play the role of experienced Lothario in television interviews and on his reality show Family Jewels, but a new sex-tape of the self-touted love god penetrating an Australian model called "Elsa" is burning up the Internets and belying his Don Juan fairytales.
For instance, can you believe the Tongued One keeps his t-shirt and black socks on while having intercourse (and Elsa her flip-flops!)? And watch throughout as the poor girl refuses to kiss him! Oh, the life of a rock superstar.
Simmons' penis? We'll just say, if he hasn't already, he should take out a major policy on that tongue.
Disney star Vanessa Hudgens is slutting it up for attention again — this time with a sex tape. Vanessa, hon, we understand how it must feel to be used as Zac Efron's beard, but you're turning men around the world into pedophiles. It's weird.
Sources say the 45 second video was taken on a cell phone. Hudgens is shown sitting under a Christmas tree wearing only a red Santa hat and red thong decorated with mistletoe.
'I want Santa to come up my chimney because I’ve been a good little girl this year,' Hudgens says.
Leave it to those Disney kids to keep up with the latest sex tape trends. Who knew you could even film that on a cell phone? We're still trying to figure out the logistics; maybe those young whippersnappers can also teach us how to program that damn DVR while they're at it.
[Source]
• Amy Fisher knows how to DJ? What does she listen to? Gangster rap? [DListed]
• She is now dating literal sharks. Good for her. [PS]
• One must have been a terrible person to be reincarnated as Mariah Carey's dog. [HT]
• The cheeks have plumped! [INO]
• Lynne Spears has asked everyone to "just say prayers" for Britney. Or don't! It won't matter. Promise. [ICYDK]
• Vivica A Fox has an oral sex tape floating around. Embarrassing, especially because she gets no reciprocation. [Yeeeah]
• Oh, weed, how clowns like David Arquette love thee. [CityRag]
Kate Moss' legal team is filing an injunction to prevent her funny ex-boyfriend, Pete Doherty, from participating in the documentary Kate & Pete: A Love Story. According to sources, the sweet title belies the film's sordid content:
"Producers hope he'll let them use a lot of film he and Kate shot on camcorders." But an insider told PageSix.com, "Kate is furious with Pete. She has contacted her lawyers and plans to get an injunction to stop the production." Moss will be horrified if the tapes surface. "Some of it is really raunchy stuff Kate believed would never be seen by anyone else…"
And we thought the celebrity sex tape genre couldn't get any more unappealing. Can you imagine? With the accents and the track marks? No fanks, mate.
[Source]
This week, Spencer Pratt, seen here making his girlfriend feel terrible about herself, is combating rumors that he is shopping around a sex tape he filmed years ago in South America.
A recent National Enquirer report claimed that Pratt, 24, has been shopping footage of himself and some pals hooking up with a bevy of Brazilian women (before he met fiance [sic] Heidi Montag, 21) and wants it released on the sly under the guise that it had been “stolen.”
Please don't! And Pratt says he won't, because, according to him, such a tape does not exist. Nor does, we hope, a world in which "a bevy of Brazilian women" would sleep with Spencer Pratt and his schmuck friends.
• "One eighty seven on an em ef cop." Hoooooooooo boyyyyyyyyy! There's so much wrong here. [SH]
• The gentleman Kid Rock has told Rolling Stone he thinks Pamela Anderson lied about a miscarriage to dissuade him from going to a Laker's game. Yowza! [DListed]
• A Britney Spears sex tape might exist! Amazing how five years and dozens of wigs can completely sap my interest in that statement. [HT]
• Real tattoo twins share needles. Until then, it's all child's play. [PS]
• Kevin Federline arrived to court today wearing an eye patch. Arrrrrrrrrrr-some! [INO]
• Ray J said he has slept with over 1,000 women, before immediately adding, "Well, at least 994 definite women and possibly six more." [ICYDK]
• Rehab still not the boss of Lohan. [Yeeeah]
• Kitten's fighting even harder than ex Partridge Family psychotics with major chips on their bulky shoulders. [CityRag]
• Why do jocks make it so easy? [Jossip]
• In boring news: Usher's going to father a son. [DListed]
• Beard and beard. [INO]
• There's rumblings of an Eva Longoria sex tape. Our flaccidity is beyond compare! [HT]
• Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom together in Mexico. Add tequila and you've got unfamiliar, angry intercourse. [Yeeeah]
• That CSI woman is jumping the shark in a major way! See you never again, whatever-your-name-is. [ICYDK]
• Witty, Brazilian street art: Making vandalism fun. [CityRag]
Here is the infamous "Meg White sex tape" currently shooting down the information superhighway (NSFW). According to speculation, the release of this video was the impetus for the recent cancellation of a large chunk of White Stripes tour dates, though reps from the band's camp will only say that the shows were called off due to Meg's "acute anxiety."
Take a look at the images and decide for yourself, our guess is it's not Meg at all, but instead New York's own tastemaker Ultragrrrl. If so, give it a month until all the kids with asymmetrical haircuts are exhibiting their sexual exploits.
If you've not yet tired of wealthy, educated, maternal, black talking heads sporadically using country shibboleths ("keep ya' draws on") in order to exude approachability, then get excited for Star Jones' new talk show. Today's episode looked into the intricacies of the Dustin Diamond sex tape, which premiered on TMZ about a year ago. Common and timely, Ms Jones!
PS Watch until the end to see Screech rendered speechless by a pornographer.
PPS What the fuck is up with this woman's bronchial wheeze? I call not walking up a flight of stairs with Star Jones.
Pamela Anderson recently discovered that the amateur porno tape skeletons in her closet are going to be harder to hide than her cartoonish breasts, and inquiring sons want to know: "Wait, my college buddies will have seen you blow a guy?"
Pam Anderson says she let her kids watch “Borat” — but beforehand had to explain about the infamous sex tape she’d made with their father.
“They really wanted to see ‘Borat’ and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had,” the former “Baywatch” babe told the London Sun. “I said, ‘There are a few things we have to talk about before you see ‘Borat.’’ And they go: ‘We know about the magazines.’ So that was one gone!”
Still, she said, she verbally bleeped out the parts of the flick that mention the sex tape Anderson made with their father Tommy Lee, which is mentioned in the movie. “I kind of went ‘la la la la la la la’ over the parts I didn’t want them to hear,” she said. “Actually, I did tell them, I said: ‘You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape.”
Something tells me that the kids will be alright with the "hugging" and "kissing," but will probably take issue with "that good stuff."
Yesterday's Headline on Your Shoulders got a mite indelicate, didn't it? But I suppose that's to be expected when cups runneth over with both breasts and liquor.
bedbugsandballyhoo wins with this mutedly ribald entry:
Selma Speaks Candidly About Events Leading Up to Her Pregnancy
Cheers, bedbugsandballyhoo!
Let's keep our minds in the gutter for today's HOYS. Headlines today should focus on the story that Hills lame-os LC and Jason Wahler have dodged a bullet and had their sex tape shelved by the company that had purchased it with the intent to distribute because it was hardly hardcore. A TMZ source called the tape "very vanilla." But isn't everything in The Hills?
Gawker ran "Lauren Conrad Sex Tape Deemed Flaccid" for this one. Top that!
[Source]
While last week's teaser was ultimately not our pop princess, there is really no doubt that the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape exists (if not many, many of them, seeing as I think she has home videos covering most of her life). News of the World (salt grain taken) is now saying that The Fed is using said tape(s) as leverage in the divorce:
Federline, 28, has bragged to pals that his X-rated tape shows the Oops, I Did It Again singer performing a series of explicit sex acts.
The home-made video is believed to show the naked couple enjoying an uninhibited range of love-making and sexual games.It was made during the first weeks of their relationship two years ago when they were holed up in one of the exclusive bungalows at the Beverly Hills Hotel in Los Angeles.
The source close to Federline said: "At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn't keep their hands off each other.
"They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.
"They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever.
"Britney didn't think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last.
"They adored filming each other. They lived their lives in front of the cameras—even making a short-lived reality TV show of their exploits.
"Sex was no different to them, it seems. Now this video could prove very costly to her.
"Millions of people will be prepared to pay to watch.
"Kevin has told Britney she should comply with his demands otherwise the whole world will see her having sex, which will be devastating."
He added: "At the moment Kev is in talks with a company in Arizona about putting the four-hour sex vid online. If it all goes to plan he'll make £26million from it."
The source explained that Federline is so enraged with his estranged wife he will do anything to hurt her.
Although I would like to say I respect the couple's privacy too much to want to see the video, it would probably be hilarious. I mean, there's no way she isn't giggling the whole time. Also, can we back up in this article for a minute and reflect on the point at which this "close source" implies that Spederline play chess? Give me a break, dude.
MollyGood reader Jennifer wrote in about Kevin Federline's show in Chicago last week (for which they were giving away tickets…sweet) saying that he made direct refernce to his "ex-wife who liked to smoke chronic." Helllooooo mature.
In other news, here are some more pics of Brit showing off her stomach and blue bra. Also, Splash News caught Kevin moving along on his tour proudly displaying a FedEx package, perhaps an homage to his newly anointed nickname, K-FedEx? Cheeky bastard.
Phew, that was a lot of Deaderline talk. Let's see how quickly we tire of this.
Ahhh, personal low point. After the jump is possibly maybe probably not butifyouthinkaboutitthegirlkindalookslike… 19 seconds of the Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape. The timing is too good to be true, and there is no evidence to support the claim that this tape is real, but I'm here to give you the juicy gossip. And this, this is it. Keep in mind, what lays after the jump is NSFW. Not NSFW in the teehee nipple sense, it's porn. There is a man part and a woman mouth. Please proceed carefully.
[PornoTube via Fleshbot]
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News broke yesterday that a Dustin Diamond (Screeeech) Sex Tape is imminent. There was talk of Dirty Sanchez (wow, apparently Screech doesn't realize that no one actually does that). And of course, within hours, TMZ had a clip. In short: it's horrifying, but would you ever doubt that Screech would bring feces into this? The full tape will be leaked soon. Expect to never sleep again.
[Source]
In order to demonstrate our extreme case of pop culture amnesia, every Sunday I bring you What a difference a year makes, a pleasant retrospective on our favorite celebrity self-loathing-inducers' past. One year ago today, here's what everyone was talking about:
• Pictures emerged of the Nanny Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller with. Yeah, a year later even knowing how annoying Sienna is, it still makes no sense. [IDLYITW]
• It took us a while, but last summer we all, finally realized that celebrities are crazy. All of them. [NY Magazine]
• Lindsay Lohan bit the paparazzi hand that fit her. She's come such a long way since then. [A Socialite's Life]
• Meanwhile Pez came out with limited edition Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan dispensers. [CityRag]
• Colin Farrell tried to sue the pants off (like it's that hard) the Playmate trying to sell their sex tape. It's a good thing for Colin that we never actually got to see that tape…[Defamer]
• We also figured out that celebrities love themselves some Starbucks. It was a summer of breakthroughs, really. [PITNB]
Turns out we're not going to get a chance to read the tell-all Jennifer Lopez book after all. What? You know nothing of this book because no one has paid attention to J-Lo in years and you barely remember who was famous last week let alone in 2004? Well, Lopez's first husband Ojani Noa penned a nasty book about his relationship with the star and gave her a lovely $5 Million Or I Publish This ultimatum. Good thing he was just a starter husband, sounds like a real a-hole. The matter was set to go to court today, but no dice. TMZ has the thrilling tale:
Ojani Noa has agreed to a preliminary injunction to stop him from publishing (what Lopez describes as) a "negative, denigrating and disparaging" tell-all book about the multi-talented actress until the matter goes to court.
…
The injunction states that Noa may not disclose for financial gain "any private or intimate details about Lopez or Noa's relationship with her." He is also directed not to sell or disseminate a manuscript of the book and to retrieve any book materials and copies from anyone who may have possession of them.
This is just one thing in a long list of Noa related problems.
Last October, Noa and Lopez settled a lawsuit he brought against her, alleging Lopez fired him as manager of her restaurant Madre's illegally.
According to her lawsuit, Noa also tried selling video to the National Enquirer of Lopez getting ready on their wedding day and honeymoon and of her in a bikini "showing her posterior".
No book AND no sex tape? It's like she doesn't even want to be famous anymore. If you can't live without seeing a video of Jennifer Lopez "showing her posterior" off, I recommend you just watch the one for "Jenny from the Block."
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