OLSEN TWINS STARBUCKS' ONLY REMAINING CUSTOMERS • "Fewer U.S. customers and venti-sized costs for closing poorly performing stores led to lower sales and profit in the fourth quarter at Starbucks Corp., the company said Monday. … Seattle-based Starbucks said profit in the quarter fell 97 percent to $5.4 million, or a penny a share, from $158.5 million, or 21 cents per share."

Sarah Palin's folksy shtick loses its charm pretty quickly when she's using it to tell you to go fuck yourself. And if you're a liberal woman, telling you to screw off she is:

At a rally on Saturday in California, Sarah Palin offered up a rather jarring argument for supporting the Republican ticket. "There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women," the Alaska Governor said, claiming she was quoting former Clinton Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

The statement came after Palin had recounted [an experience at Starbucks] on Saturday: "I'm reading on my Starbucks mocha cup, okay? The quote of the day… It was Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State [crowd boos] and UN ambassador. … Now she said it, I didn't. She said, 'There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women.'"

As if basing her speeches off her mochas wasn't crazy enough, Palin prefaces the quote by saying it was "providential." See, God gave Palin that mocha cup so that she might better insult all the abortioning bitches standing in her way.

Ms Albright's quote is actually, "There's a special place in Hell reserved for women who don't help other women," which is completely different than what Palin said, but don't hold your breath waiting for tax-cheating Governor Palin to start worrying about accuracy.

Make the right decision in November, ladies, and then go to hell.

Video and Albright's response after the jump.

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It's good to see Britney Spears hasn't completely given up her Starbucks habit and paparazzi attraction. The former walking disaster hit up Robertson Boulevard yesterday looking better than expected, presumably because she missed the attention. True, the photographers follow her everywhere, but surely there's a better place to shop than one of the most paparazzi-infested streets in LA.

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Where Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are concerned, sometimes it takes a village to keep the twins alive. A barista at the girls' local NY Starbucks has admitted to changing their drink orders to help them gain weight. The two miniature hobbit-like creatures typically order fat-free beverages, but "the barista thought the Olsens were too thin, so whenever they ordered their usual drink, he would replace the skim milk with full-fat." The actresses' rep, however, insists the story is "ridiculous." Unfortunately.

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Last night, after googling "malaria" and discovering that children in Africa can die from special kinds of mosquito bites, professional victim Britney Spears donated $25,000 to the hyperpublicized Idol Gives Back telethon. That's about 5,000 venti frappuccinos in Spears currency, a major sacrifice for the caffeinated princess. We're proud of her.

Jason Davis — who appears to be drinking coffee through a straw — debuted a new body yesterday in LA. We're not surprised to see he's dropped the weight — between his inheritance and drug habit, he has all the resources in the world to shed the fat. Unfortunately for him, he still looks like a disgusting, sweaty pig.

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The last couple of days has us concerned about Britney Spears' recovery. She finally returned to her old stomping grounds, Starbucks, and got herself a venti frappalovehandles. Don't get back into that habit, B! But what has us really worried is that old pink wig — it's still in existence, and someone is flaunting it in front of Brit. Doesn't that guy know it triggers the crazy?

Also: What the hell is FOX News doing there, hanging out in front of Starbucks with the TMZ crew?

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In a move that makes no sense to us, Starbucks has decided to close all 7,100 stores nationwide this afternoon for employee training.

Starting at 5:30 p.m., the stores will host a three-hour in-store training program that is supposed to "foster enthusiasm" in the employees. Or just drum up publicity.

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Lynne Spears took a break from the psych ward today to get some Starbucks. Let's hope she doesn't go near the hospital with that, because you just know Britney would kill for a frappuchino.

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Britney Spears is stuck in the hospital for at least a few days, and during that time we can't help but wonder what will happen to the LA Starbucks she frequents. Will the store close due to lack of business? We know half their revenue came from Britney alone.

Then came news that 100 Starbucks nationwide will close. This is what happens when Britney gets carted away: The coffee giant suffers.

But all hope is not lost: In a harrowing act of bravery, Lindsay Lohan took one for the team yesterday and bought two coffees from the Starbucks on Robertson Boulevard. That's respectable, but she needs to be purchasing at least five drinks at a time if she wants to keep this store in business.

Get well soon, Brit. Your frappuccinos need you.

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In order to demonstrate our extreme case of pop culture amnesia, every Sunday I bring you What a difference a year makes, a pleasant retrospective on our favorite celebrity self-loathing-inducers' past. One year ago today, here's what everyone was talking about:

• Pictures emerged of the Nanny Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller with. Yeah, a year later even knowing how annoying Sienna is, it still makes no sense. [IDLYITW]

• It took us a while, but last summer we all, finally realized that celebrities are crazy. All of them. [NY Magazine]

• Lindsay Lohan bit the paparazzi hand that fit her. She's come such a long way since then. [A Socialite's Life]

• Meanwhile Pez came out with limited edition Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan dispensers. [CityRag]

• Colin Farrell tried to sue the pants off (like it's that hard) the Playmate trying to sell their sex tape. It's a good thing for Colin that we never actually got to see that tape…[Defamer]

• We also figured out that celebrities love themselves some Starbucks. It was a summer of breakthroughs, really. [PITNB]