Following his triumphant New York City society debut in the Observer, comedic actor turned punchline Steve Guttenberg received more attention than he had in years. A reality show was offered, he was honored at the Fire Island Film Festival and he even received an e-mail from a woman requesting to be his 601st romantic conquest. Surprisingly, The Goot wasn't angry about the article's undercurrent of mockery. Is he angry in general? Yes, but not about the article, as he explains in a newer, greater article:

“Sure. Am I a human?” he said. “Welcome to the real world. So you think everyone on TV is all happy, happy? So let me ask you a question: When you watch The Price is Right, you think Vanna’s in a good mood every day?” (Editor’s note: Vanna White actually appeared on Wheel of Fortune.) “Talk to people who have to go and fill the gas tank and then talk to their mom when she calls. Talk to some of the greatest artists of our time and see that they’ve got real desires and real needs—and sure, they’re full of angst and human emotions like envy and anxiety and certain neuroses. Look in the yellow pages under ‘psychologists’; see if there’s anything listed there. Damn right, I’m a little pissed off. I’m pissed off that John Belushi and River Phoenix were killed by Hollywood. I’m pissed off about all those young people getting off that bus right now and going after all those parts and how they’re going to be used and abused and thrown around and wound up. … Look at that line of people trying out for American Idol. That was me! I know what happened to those guys. I’m on the eighth floor. I want to be on the 20th floor. But on the other side of that, I wake up on the eighth floor and I go, ‘I’m happy I’m on the eighth floor. How many guys get to be on the eighth floor?’”

Not many, The Goot. Not many.

Every once in a while, a brave man (or woman!) emerges from the muck of Hollywood greater than they ever would have been had they not withstood the pressures of showbiz and its many ungodly tests. These people, these rare gifts, are like carbon that's squashed and roasted until out pops a diamond. Steve Guttenberg, The Goot, is not one of these people. But he really, really believes he is, and – God love him – we almost wish he were right.

“I am a seducer, I’m a salesman,” he said. “I’m trying to get people to buy my message. I do have a message. I’m as corny as Kansas in August. I’m as high as a kite on the Fourth of July. That’s from South Pacific, but yeah, I do have a message …” He looked at the busy street below and into the private park across the street. “The meek will inherit the earth,” he said, in a softer voice. “So be nice to the meek. The old man spitting on the corner. The janitor cleaning up. The man behind the counter at the convenience store. Those are our people—that guy driving that truck—they make the world go. And, you know, the powerful and the wealthy, there’s a place for everybody, but don’t put the regular guy down. And that comes from me. I’m an ordinary guy living an extraordinary life, but I’m an ordinary guy. I’m not a fancy fellow.”
…
“I think some people do understand that message, that I’m an ordinary guy trying to paint pictures of ordinary people, in an extraordinary life,” he said. And then there are the people he calls the “hippoisie. These are the people who think I’m not apathetic enough for them. That the tone in my voice goes up too often. That I smile too much. That I’m too happy. So, to them, I say, ‘Fuck you.’”

Do read the rest of The Goot's Observer profile. It's a wondrous thing.

It's amazing how even the voice over used to describe this abomination sounds cheap.

Punchline Steve Guttenberg is going to release a book of memoirs about his early years in Hollywood. According to a recent interview he gave to Daily News gossip Ben Widdicombe, the Police Academy actor's stories promise to be lurid ones of myriad sexual dalliances.

"I was 19 years old at a club on the Sunset Strip called Gazzari's," the Brooklyn native, now 49, told me.

He was invited home by an older lady, who promptly requested to be tied up. "She opened the closet and had like 55 outfits, with ropes and everything," Guttenberg recalled. He secured her to the four-poster bed, only to have to run out to a drugstore to get "protection."

"So I got the protection, along with flowers and candy and little sandwiches," the "Police Academy" star said. But when he returned to the apartment complex, he couldn't even remember which tower she lived in, let alone her floor or apartment number.

"So I went home and left her tied up," he recalled.

So, if you found your mother bound to her bed three decades ago in Los Angeles, it wasn't a robbery like she told you, she was about to have sex with Steve Guttenberg. Sue him for the cost of therapy.

[Source]

If you love the Hamptons so much, why don't you buy a house there and stay in it forever, only exiting the darkness of your splendor for $15 tomato soup? Please?

More merrymakers after the jump.

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