RITCHIE RECEIVING THREATENING TEXTS FROM MADGE "Madonna has been taunting Guy Ritchie with dozens of weird text messages. Director Guy, 40, showed crew on the set of his latest film Sherlock Holmes one which read: 'You’re going down.' He said he found his estranged wife’s behaviour odd, but that he is used to it by now. And he confided in one pal: 'This is her idea of a joke – but it’s not funny. Imagine what it was like living with her.'"

NEW CALIFORNIA LAW DEMANDS COMMON SENSE "Get ready to remove your fingers from that tiny keyboard while driving. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Wednesday signed into law a measure banning motorists from text-messaging and e-mailing while operating a vehicle. The law, written by Sen. Joe Simitian, D-Palo Alto, takes effect Jan. 1."

You have to hand it to Lindsay Lohan: The girl is persistent. After sending a text to Debbie Phelps in which she claimed Michael was "f–king amazing," LiLo attempted to appear with him onstage at the MTV VMAs. (Um, hello? Samantha Ronson?) There was one small problem: Disney brat Miley Cyrus also wanted in on the Phelps love, according to a source who introduced a new vocabulary word.

It was nightmate. Both Lindsay and Miley were wildly excited at the prospect of waltzing on-stage with Michael, so producers proposed draping one on each arm — but the girls did not want to be with each other and neither would back down!

It was nightmate?! Wow, this is worse than we thought. Of course, as we all saw, Michael did his bit alone, sans any annoying starlets. Nightmate averted.

John Mayer sure knows how to treat a girl. We can reveal the cad singer dumped poor Jennifer Aniston by text.

A friend told us: "She is so intent on getting married and having children, he felt hemmed in. After a 20-minute phone conversation, he just said, 'I can't take it any more,' and hung up. Then he texted, "That's it - the end."