See these smiling, joyous faces? They won't be around this year, because Oprah is no longer doing her Favorite Things, thanks to the flatlining economy. Well, technically she is, but it's all going to be stuff she dug out of a dumpster in her studio's back alley. According to Harpo, the show "will showcase some of Winfrey's things that cost next to nothing, including a special gift that won't cost a thing."
Did you hear that? Hugs for everyone!
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It's about time we all started flashing our money around a little bit more noticeably — it's not like it's going anywhere, right? Or at least, so the logic goes over in Dubai, that city on a cloud that's made out of sand, dreams and oil money.
Those kookie developers, not content to have merely a five-star hotel shaped like a sailboat or extra islands dredged up from the ocean floor, are trying to lure our most valuable resource, Paris Hilton, to their native lands by promising her a hotel named in her honor.
We hope you're happy with yourselves, poverty-stricken American moviegoers. The nation's greasy, smiling, apple-cheeked concession stand hot dogs are going uneaten because of you and your wise spending. For shame.
… Carmike Cinemas and Cinemark Holdings both reported weaker US revenue on Monday as dwindling concession spending added to smaller admissions figures in the third quarter.
The figures were down despite record-breaking results from Warner Bros.' "The Dark Knight."
Both the theater chains made reference to the tough economic environment, which could cut into consumers' willingness to spend on popcorn and movie tickets even though conventional wisdom holds that movie-going is a recession-proof activity.
Listen, freeloaders, if this frugality continues, this sneaking in of outside food and beverage and restraint when it comes to $6 cups of fizzy sugar water, theaters will have no choice but to raise ticket prices to an infeasible amount of money. And then the whole world's gonna be clogging up the BitTorrents for us normal movie watchers. YOU GET IN THERE AND GET THOSE $11 SOUR PATCH KIDS!!!!
OLSEN TWINS STARBUCKS' ONLY REMAINING CUSTOMERS • "Fewer U.S. customers and venti-sized costs for closing poorly performing stores led to lower sales and profit in the fourth quarter at Starbucks Corp., the company said Monday. … Seattle-based Starbucks said profit in the quarter fell 97 percent to $5.4 million, or a penny a share, from $158.5 million, or 21 cents per share."
Uh oh! Everyone's poor and the holidays are coming up! How to get through the next few months, during which we all SIMPLY MUST celebrate the birth of God by spending money on each other, without inching even closer to the poorhouse? HERE COMES WAL-MART, BITCHES!
Hahahaha! Earlier today, Sam Joe the Plumber unwisely took a phone call from CNN's Rick Sanchez, the network's own Fred Flintstone/dismissive party boy. Watch with glee as Sanchez calls Sam Joe a liar several times over before literally laughing at the McCain puppet's paltry excuses, flawed logic and hokey country gibberish ("IZ CALLED PRINCIPLES, BROTHER!!11).
I suppose that when a person spews so much bullshit, they've got no choice but to be a plumber, licensed or not.
Have no fear, increasingly poor readers, everything's gonna be fine. Some 700 Club glossolalist pronounced today a Day of Prayer for the World’s Economies and intends to fix all your financial woes! Here's a bunch of saddies huddled around the Charging Bull on Wall Street, praying for money to a false idol, just like their God told them not to. DESPERATE TIMES!
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WILL BOND PROVE RECESSION-PROOF? "The new James Bond film 'Quantum of Solace' may prove critic-and recession-proof … when it hits British cinemas this week and U.S. theatres on November 14, box office trackers predict. The second Bond movie with Daniel Craig as the suave secret agent is expected to build on the success of 2006's 'Casino Royale,' despite economic pressures on movie-goers and agreement among critics that the earlier film was comfortably the better. … Experts said financial turmoil and plunging values of stocks and property would have only a limited impact on ticket sales."
Whoops! Disney's Touchstone Pictures picked the wrong time to come out with Confessions of a Shopaholic. Now that everyone's broke and scared, ad folks believe it's going to be mighty tough to convince consumers to plop down $10 to watch a movie about a beautiful, young, white lady who likes to buy things, which, unfortunately, was once considered a winning storyline.
Much like the time Bart Simpson went to an auction and accidentally bought an abandoned warehouse, Macrovision finalized its deal with OpenGate Capital to sell the unprofitable TV Guide to the equity fund for $1. A buck.
IN CRISIS, THE RETURN OF GORDON GEKKO "As Wall Street continues to capture headlines due to market volatility, 20th Century Fox is moving forward with a 'Wall Street' sequel. Allan Loeb ('21') has been tapped to pen the screenplay, which is being fast-tracked by the studio as a Michael Douglas starrer, though the actor is not formally attached. The modern-day story will again center on Gordon Gekko, who has recently been sprung from prison and re-emerges into a much more tumultuous financial world than the one he once lorded over. The Bud Fox character, played by Charlie Sheen in the original, will not appear in the latest incarnation."
HOOKERS FINE IN TRYING TIMES "It's still a good time to be morally bankrupt. The plunging Dow Jones and panicky investors are hardly a problem for the world's oldest profession, where business is still brisk. 'The market is down, business is down, but we feel it less,' said Dylan, 24, a promotional model-turned-Manhattan prostitute. 'We're still busy.' The long-haired, long-legged hooker then explained why the red-light district remains a blue-chip commodity: 'If men are horny, they're going to come in here.' Take that, Ben Bernanke."
Buy Spam! We're now so poor that the devices we've created to tally just how poor we are don't work anymore.
THE END OF BLING? WE HOPE SO "Francesco Trapani, chief executive of Bulgari Group, is cutting back on the fixed costs of his jet-setting lifestyle. The jewelry, luxury-goods and hotel magnate recently sold his 137-foot yacht, the "Christianne B," and he's holding off on buying any more homes. Even his bespoke Micocci shirt was slightly frayed at the collar last week — a fact he acknowledged with an apologetic smile. … Not even the richest people are feeling untouched by our current financial crisis. In their personal lives, as in business, the purveyors of luxury are sizing up what it all means. Some of the questions: Is it unseemly to spend money publicly? Will people still shop for the all-important holiday season? Is this the end of bling?"
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK "Less than a week after the federal government had to bail out American International Group Inc. (AIG), the company sent executives on a $440,000 retreat to a posh California resort, lawmakers investigating the company's meltdown said Tuesday. The tab included $23,380 worth of spa treatments for AIG employees at the coastal St. Regis resort south of Los Angeles even as the company tapped into an $85 billion loan from the government it needed to stave off bankruptcy."
THE AMERICAN DREAM? "An unemployed financial adviser apparently despondent over his troubles shot and killed his wife, his mother-in-law and three children before taking his own life in a gated community, Los Angeles police said Monday. Officers responding to a call from concerned friends found the bodies about 8:30 a.m. in a two-story house in the upscale Porter Ranch neighborhood about 30 miles northwest of downtown, said Los Angeles Police Dept. Deputy Chief Michel Moore. … 'This is a perfect American family behind me that has absolutely been destroyed,' [Moore] said."
BAILOUT FINALLY APPROVED "The House of Representatives gave final approval on Friday to the $700 billion bailout for the financial system, reversing course to authorize what may be the most expensive government intervention in history. At 1:21 p.m., applause and cheers echoed through the House chamber as the number of 'aye' votes crossed the threshold needed for passage with just seconds remaining in the official 15-minute voting period. The vote was 263 to 171."
150,000 MORE AMERICANS CANNED When they're right, they're right, doggonnit! Look how well the Bush tax cuts Sarah Palin and John McCain want to make permanent are working out for the American people: "U.S. employers cut payrolls at the steepest rate in 5-1/2 years in September, slashing an unexpectedly large 159,000 jobs as employment contracted for a ninth straight month, suggesting the economy may be in recession." (emphasis ours)
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