Oh gawd! It's like all the news anymore is a hurricane made of lies and garbage and bullshit, and it's ceaseless!

Are you mad we yell about the GOP on here? Listen, we'll stop taking the GOP to task when it stops pulling stunts like this:

CONTINUED »

HOLY SHIT! THE BAILOUT DIDN'T PASS IN THE HOUSE, SUBSEQUENTLY CAUSING THE DOW TO DROP 600 POINTS IN A FEW HORRIFYING MINUTES! SEE YOU GUYS ON THE BREAD LINES!

This whole feud between David Letterman and John McCain remained entertaining for the second day in a row after Dave found out even more damning evidence: Upon canceling his Late Show appearance Wednesday to rush to the aid of the dying economy, Johnny boy not only stopped off to visit with Katie Couric — he stayed in New York City until Thursday morning. Now there's a man in a hurry.

Letterman summed it up by admitting he felt like an ugly date: "I feel used. I feel cheap. I feel sullied. I feel cratered." John McCain has that effect on us, too, Dave.

The $700 billion federal bailout is in limbo this morning as bipartisan discussions on the matter unraveled yesterday just hours after the press got word that an agreement had been reached. Talks between the Treasury, White House and members of Congress will continue throughout the day today, and mavericky Senator John McCain says he'll only participate in tonight's scheduled presidential debate in Mississippi if he feels that a deal is impending. What a maverick!

Let's take a look at how effective and necessary a presence McCain was at yesterday's bailout meetings:

At the bipartisan White House meeting that Mr. McCain had called for a day earlier, he sat silently for more than 40 minutes, more observer than leader, and then offered only a vague sense of where he stood, said people in the meeting.
…
…there was no evidence that he was playing a major role in the frantic efforts on Capitol Hill to put a deal back together again.

(emphasis ours)

Maverick! (Just so we're all on the same page, "maverick" means "bullshit artist," right?)

REALLY? REALLY? "Republican presidential candidate John McCain said Wednesday he is suspending his campaign, and he is asking Democratic rival Barack Obama to join him in trying to postpone Friday night's debate so that both candidates and both parties can focus on a solution to the Wall Street crisis."

Update: "'The debate is on,' a senior Obama campaign official told ABC News."

Brett Easton Ellis' most famously depraved novel, American Psycho, is heading to the stage. The book and subsequent film prominently feature monologues about 80s Reagan-era bands, which will play a large part in the musical production's development.

Though taking a gamble on theater, producers Craig Roessler and Johnson-Roessler have high hopes that a satirical look at murder on Wall Street will strike a gallows-humor chord with the ex-Lehman brother crowd.

Below, one scene from the film version of AP that will definitely be a highlight of the dance numbers:

CONTINUED »

This is not good, you guys: Gas prices are so high that Diddy can't afford to fuel his private jet — and he's forced to fly commercial. Take a moment, sit down, wipe the tears from your eyes. We have word that Diddy is still alive and staying strong, even under these dreadful circumstances. To add insult to injury, he even has to fly coach! Except in the video it's pretty obvious he plops down in a first-class seat. Liar.

Here's Diddy's plea: "I wanna give a shoutout to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters and all my brothers and sisters from, um … all the countries that have oil. If y'all could please send me some oil for my jet I would truly appreciate it." We have a feeling Saudi Arabia has bigger issues to worry about, but we'll see what happens.

TOUGH COOKIES "Mrs. Fields Famous Brands LLC, which serves up fresh-baked cookies and TCBY frozen yogurt at more than 1,200 franchises across the country, is planning to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, according to a regulatory filing."

Now that we're tanking like Rome and everyone's been fired and air travel is a luxury few can afford, the airlines are doing exactly what you'd expect in these uncomfortable economic times: taking more of the consumer's money and offering him shittier service in return.

Not only have some carriers started charging for extra legroom and checked baggage, today, US Airways has stopped offering free water to its passengers.

US Airways says it will provide water and drinks for passengers in cases of medical emergency and during extensive delays. If a desperately thirsty passenger does forget a few extra dollars, US Airways spokesman Morgan Durrant says flight attendants will likely “err on the side of the customer” and give him or her water. After all, the airline wouldn’t want its customers drinking tap water from the aircraft bathroom. That water is safe to drink, just not very palatable, according to Durrant.

“Frankly, that’s just not classy,” he says.

A bottle of water now costs $2 on a US Airways flight.

STARVING ACTORS TO STARVE A LITTLE LESS "Moderate-income performers will likely benefit from a tax relief bill introduced in the Senate on Thursday. Bill will raise the current limit on adjusted gross income to allow deductions for work-related expenses. Currently, the U.S. tax code allows single performers to deduct business expenses only if they have an adjusted gross income below $16,000. The bill would raise that cap to $30,000."

MOVIE THEATERS WILL CONTINUE GOUGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU "With 31% of the total 2008 US corn crop expected to be devoted to ethanol, the price of popcorn would already be increasing again next year. Now, the disastrous flooding in the Midwest has apparently destroyed a significant portion of next year's crop. Ethanol production and heavy rains in America's Corn Belt have created a 'Perfect Storm' that could result in $7+ for a large popcorn sometime next year."

CRIME PAYS "Everyone should already know that 'Grand Theft Auto IV' is a hot-selling video game, but Take-Two Interactive Software CEO Ben Feder said Thursday that April sales of the product 'single-handedly propped up the U.K. economy.'"

Since going outside these days will result in you either drowning in a deluge of water or being shot by police officers, what else is there to do but sit on your couch and beat bloody the lifeless bodies of digital hookers?

Even with products priced at $50 and up, video-game marketers are finding the recession more friend than foe.

The $18 billion industry is on a tear, with sales up 31% over 2007 through April, according to NPD Group. And that's barely counting the April 29 release of "Grand Theft Auto IV," which shattered records with a $500 million opening week. That's five times what "Iron Man" made in its opening weekend.

The sputtering film industry isn't only causing grief for major studio executives. Like the true disloyal bastards they are, talent agencies, agents and actors have all begun backstabbing each other for the dwindling profits.

CONTINUED »

Bolstered marginally by the success of the horror movie Prom Night, this weekend's film revenues were down 20 percent compared to what they were the same time last year. Box office totals have been declining for a full month now, gradually giving more validity to claims that the movie business is in a recession buttery industry executives refuse to acknowledge. Year-to-date revenues are down 3.45 percent and attendance is down almost seven percent.

One week ago, ballsy Hollywood executives were bragging about how the coming recession doesn't concern them. As you'll remember, Dan Glickman, the president of the Motion Picture Association of America, said, "When times are bad, our business seems to buck the trend." Hubristic! Also: wrong. This weekend's box office proved that the money is not where Glickman's mouth is:

“21” beat the odds at the weekend box office, winning a respectable $23.7 million to land at No. 1. However, other new entries weren’t so fortunate, helping to drive the overall box office down more than 17% from the same weekend last year.