ANOTHER ANOTHER 'PLANET OF THE APES' IN THE WORKS "…right now, in the halls of Fox, there is another new version of Planet of the Apes that has been kicking around for the last year. It's not a sequel to the Burton film, and it's not another remake of the original. To the general audience it's a prequel to Planet of the Apes, but for the initiated it's something totally different. It's a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Yup. It's the story of Caesar, the ape who said no, the first ape with speech who started the events that led to a world where monkeys were on top and humans were dumb beasts."

STILL NO NEW IDEAS "First 90210, now … Melrose? The CW and CBS Paramount Network Television are exploring the possibility of creating a new version of Melrose Place, according to a rep for the studio."

America's Next Top Model's Miss J (Alexander) and Mister Jay (Manuel) are getting their own show, far, far away from that crazy monster known as Tyra Banks. The problem? The new show's premise has already been done before. Many, many times.

Here's the description of the new Operation Fabulous:

'Jay and J' (as Manuel and Alexander are called on Top Model) will travel the country giving women makeovers. In various towns, the duo will select five participants and give them Top Model-style overhauls — how to dress, wear their hair and makeup and bring out their confidence with the support of family, friends and their community.

Oh man, that show is awesome! Remember when it was called Tim Gunn's Guide to Style? Or How to Look Good Naked? Or What Not to Wear? Or Queer Eye For the Straight Guy?

[Source]

YET ANOTHER SEQUEL TO RUIN THE ORIGINAL "Producer Thom Mount says a [Bull Durham II] script is indeed in development and he hopes to be shooting between April and June of next year. He said he plans to shoot in the Durham Bulls Athletic Park, but that he's not sure he will use the historic Durham Athletic Park that was part of the original movie. Because the script is still in development, Mount said he has no commitments from actors including the stars of the original movie — Kevin Costner, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. It’s likely Costner will return but it might take some art-twisting – he’s said in the past that a) he’s not a fan of sequels and b) he didn’t think 'Bull Durham' needed one."

SCI-FI CLASSIC TO BE RUINED "I recently attended a Q&A session with one of the writers of ‘Eagle Eye’ after a free screening organized by the magazine Creative Screenwriting. During the Q&A, the writer said that he and whomever it was that helped him co-write the ‘Eagle Eye’ screenplay were in the process of writing a sequel to Blade Runner, and had already contacted the producers of the original…" (emphasis ours)

A fast-tracked remake of 1987's Robocop has been set for release in 2010. In anticipation, a good friend of ours today sought out out the original Robocop, which he had never seen; here are his thoughts:

• "was it supposed to be laughable?"
• "I started cracking up when the dude got blown away in the board room"
• "the dad from that 70s show is the villain"
• "lots of swearing too."

Wonder if the new version will be able to coax out similarly delighted reactions!

OK, seriously, at first we were kind of kidding with the "There's No New Ideas" tag, but we're starting to shudder at its increasing accuracy.

Now there's this:

MTV is developing a remake of 1975 cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show, reports Variety.

Lou Adler, executive producer of the original film, is partnering with BermanBraun and Fox Television Studios on the new rendition.

The new version will use the original screenplay by Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien but may also include music not featured in the original.

Our prediction: hyper-sanitized, PG-13 schlock. And 88 percent less gay.

And another one.

Thought the Monster Squad remake was sacrilege? Get a load of this: MGM, the studio that brought you Barbershop 2, is reimagining 80s cult classic Valley Girl as a musical, melding the story's original punk-meets-square narrative with classic New Wave hits.

Pour out a little Bartles & Jaymes; the 80s are dead.

The assault on my childhood continues! First, twas the Smurfs, then Fraggle Rock, now those Hollywood bastards are planning a remake of The Monster Squad, one of the greatest B-movies to skateboard out of the 80s.

…Rob Cohen, director of Universal's upcoming The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor … revealed some interesting news about Fred Dekker's classic '87 movie. Cohen [says] that Paramount Pictures has acquired the remake rights to Monster Squad, which followed a group of kids hunting down Dracula and his minions who are attempting to take over the world. Cohen also reveals that he is planning to produce the remake, but does not intend on directing.

I swear to God, if Zac Efron gets his hair product anywhere near this freakin' probable abomination, I will write a very discourteous letter to whomever is in charge.

CONTINUED »

Now that the sole question driving Hollywood "creativity" is what do the people (and their money) want, and now that the answer to that question is video games, what's your bet on what will be the next video game to hit the big screen?

We say a live-action version of our childhood obsession, The Legend of Zelda, can't be too far off in the distance, because people love both seeing monsters and seeing monsters killed—Orlando Bloom would make a fine Link. And how about giving Mike Tyson's career a boost with Punch-Out: The Movie? Jude Law could be Glass Joe and Zac Efron could be the Little Mac! Somebody get me in contact with Uwe Boll.

EVERYTHING GOLD IS USED AGAIN "Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation are bringing a live-action/animated 'Smurfs' project to the bigscreen. … Best known in the United States for the long-running Hanna-Barbera cartoon, the Smurfs were created in 1958 by Belgian cartoonist Pierre Culliford, known throughout the world as Peyo. The Smurfs, originally called 'Les Schtroumpfs' in French, were created for a Belgian series of comic books, first as minor characters. The villagers, known for their blue skin and small statures, spawned a line of statuettes, games, toys, theme parks and a hit TV series, which ran as part of NBC's Saturday-morning lineup from 1981-90. … 'Smurfs' marks SPA's first hybrid film — a subgenre that proved popular given the success of 20th Century Fox's 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' …"

AND THE REMAKES KEEP COMING "MGM could be bringing back the Cold War. 'Red Dawn,' John Milius' 1984 tale of a group of American rebels fighting Soviet forces, is a candidate for a remake, studio toppers Harry Sloan and Mary Parent revealed Saturday at the American Pavilion in Cannes. They also confirmed that 1987's 'Robocop' could resurface in a new version."