AFTER Lynne Wu moved to New York from Cincinnati, she realized her body wasn’t prepared for the sheer amount of pavement-pounding required in her adopted city.
“At the end of the day my lower back and ankles would hurt,” said Ms. Wu, 40, a development consultant for nonprofit organizations. “I just wasn’t used to walking that much.”
Wellllllllll, this has never happened before: some Paris Hilton news that actually interests us.
Hilton, she of the sex tapes and the drunken club appearances and the jail time (and the Dubai hotelier fawning), has signed on to star in a "companion piece" to Todd Solondz' 1998 masterwork, Happiness. Quite a leap for an actress accustomed to horror operas and grainy stag flicks.
Solondz is a true artist, and Happiness, which stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dylan Baker, is one of the best dark comedies of the past decade. Watching it, you almost forget that it's awash in the semen of both grown men and young boys. (It would be crude and easy of us to suggest that fact is what helped sell Hilton on the sequel, so we'll not.)
What a delight it will be to see how Solondz goes about using Hilton's, uh, talents?
After the jump, some of our favorite Happiness moments. (NSFW!!!!)
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After 80 years of selling garbage adorned with the characters of a viciously anti-Semitic cartoonist, the Walt Disney Company has arrived at a conclusion: sticky kids and country folk in Donald Duck t-shirts don't have lots of money for the taking, elitists do. And elitists don't like their overpriced, useless crap to be covered with Goofys. Move over, Vera Wang, and say hello to Disney Couture!
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Here, in 136 words, is all that's wrong with America:
Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether. According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes. School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day. So the district decided to call off school the Friday before the game. And Clarke County is not alone; the schools in nearby Madison and Oglethorpe counties also are taking the day off.
Have no fear, increasingly poor readers, everything's gonna be fine. Some 700 Club glossolalist pronounced today a Day of Prayer for the World’s Economies and intends to fix all your financial woes! Here's a bunch of saddies huddled around the Charging Bull on Wall Street, praying for money to a false idol, just like their God told them not to. DESPERATE TIMES!
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Hi! I'm currently at a tennis club in Tucson, Arizona. Court moms are being catty and one woman just asked me where to find the best sushi in town. (Arizona is landlocked, lady! Nowhere!) Fun fact: Everywhere I look I see athletic shoes with metallic details.
Why am I telling you this? Slow day, for one, but also because I just witnessed a few septuagenarians have a ten minute discussion about the benefits of casting Julia Roberts and Tom Hanks opposite one another in Charlie Wilson's War. One kindly woman told two others she left the theater saying, "YES!"
The conversation terrified me on different levels, but mainly because I'm not certain that when I write I don't sound like these people; these chirping twits prattling on about fucking movie stars. Besides blood and bones and a heart, is there a commonality that exists between me and those three women fawning over Julia's hair?
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